Real Housewives of New Jersey

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Christmas Dinner

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Melissa hosted the Gorga/Giudice Christmas Eve Dinner and reunited with Teresa for the first time in a year, Dolores tried to broker a truce in Teresa’s feud with Jacqueline, and Gia tried to escape.

CHRISTMAS DINNER

On December 23rd Teresa’s lawyer stood before news cameras to alert the public she would be spending Christmas dinner her family. (Is it really a New Jersey Christmas without a relative getting released from prison?)

She would on occasion be permitted to leave her house but would be required to wear a device strapped to her ankles. Her first trip outside her marble covered mansion would be to her brother’s home. It would be the first time she would reunite with her sister-in-law with whom she had spent the last few years loathing. Do you like Melissa, people would ask? “I don’t know,” she would reply, “I am not a fan of gold digging strippers.”

As Milania got her eyebrows waxed Teresa explained how her time behind bars disallowed her from shilling her cookbooks, Bellinis, and hair products. She would need to rebuild the Giudice fortune since the well was now dry. Christmas presents, for example, would be hugs instead of iPhones, designer bags, and motorized vehicles like yesteryear. Her first check would be made selling post-prison Christmas photos taken by tabloid staff photographers in the foyer. It was a drastic change from the days when she would dress her girls up in fairy costumes or fur coats.

LET’S BE REAL

Melissa was surprised by the way Teresa walked through her door covered with the aid of a winter jacket to shield from paparazzi, as if nothing had changed. Should we ignore the fact that you just endured a calendar year in a green jumpsuit? Or are we just going to dig into the seven fishes as if you just went on a long vacation? After the first coarse Teresa pulled her into the kitchen. I know I never responded to your letters or allowed you on my visitor’s list, but perhaps if you started becoming a real sister things could change? Melissa highlighted how Teresa’s busted Pink Ladies tried their best to bully her in season’s past. How can anyone forget the way Kim D who owns the pleather leggings boutique in a strip mall tried to destroy my life? What about the woman with a spray tan and pock marked skin who revealed on national television you were behind rumors I danced on a pole?

They agreed to move forward.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

Teresa hosted a New Year’s Eve party. It was easier than worrying about making curfew and she didn’t want to lose potential fees for photographs taken without a contract from a media outlet.

Joe Giudice was happy to have his wife home. Raising four daughters alone had taken a toll. How do you explain, for example, how to use a Maxi pad other than to wipe up oil stains off the floor of the garage? Can you also use a flat iron on your armpit hair? He was so emotionally exhausted he could barely remember the meaning of Christmas. “Is this the day Jesus was resurrected? Or is this the day he died?” he asked. “It’s the day he was born,” Teresa replied. Then he asked Gia, whom he affectionately referred to as “fat head” to not leave home on New Years Eve. Stay here and take care of your sisters like a good Italian girl, he would say. Milania fell asleep under a chair.

NOT INVITED

Jacqueline wasn’t invited. Despite the text Teresa sent from jail she wasn’t yet ready to include her former friend in a celebration for the coming year. Instead she called her at 10:30 to wish her well. She was surprised, however, to find out her call was played on speakerphone so that the guests whom she also hated could hear. “Happy New Year,” said Kathy Wakile in the background. “You always take calls on speaker?” asked Teresa forgetting it was a required during days of filming. She had no interest in catching up with the cousin who made cannolis or her husband who looks like a Lebanese Jeff Goldblum. She wasn’t even interested in chatting with Rosie whom Rosie O’Donnell once considered the brightest star of the New Jersey franchise. “What did I do wrong?” asked Rosie. Before Teresa came home she would text regularly with Joe Giudice.

Rosie: You got an extra riding mower? Mine broke down.
Joe: Yeah, one wasn’t taken by the feds.

Joe: Remember that trip we took to the mountains?
Rosie: The time you did splits in the catskills?
Joe: Those were good times.
Rosie: Sure was.

Teresa was just not all that interested in Jacqueline anymore. What did she bring to the friendship besides invaluable information on plastic surgery procedures, makeup application, and how not to have boundaries with your daughter? Talking to her was as painful as that time she got an ingrown hair in jail while giving herself a pedicure. Was it worth the grief and aggravation?

Joe Gorga, who had dressed for the occasion like a middle-aged man auditioning for Menudo looked around the room. How far they had come from the days when he tried to strangle his brother-in-law at his son’s christening.

Dolores, whom both Jacqueline and Teresa still called a friend, attended both parties. She adored Teresa because they had both grown up on the streets together, but loved the compassion Jacqueline had for her friends, family, and salami plates. Their problems were small compared to her ongoing quest to find a true love that wouldn’t commit infidelity. (She discussed this in therapy until the hour was up and the doctor asked her to promptly leave). Maybe Dolores would mend this broken friendship? She was a cop after all. If she could track down information on her husband’s mistress surely she could get two housewives to hang out again?

Also Notable:

Melissa reported she received a degree in early elementary education, a degree she used to become a wife to an Italian meatball.

Next Week:

Teresa and Jacqueline agree to meet.

Real Housewives, New Jersey, Teresa, Christmas Dinner, Melissa

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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