Real Housewives of New Jersey
Cake: Real Housewives of NJ Recap
This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Siggy cried about a cake, Margaret called her Soggy, and Teresa learned how to swim.
LET THEM EAT CAKE
10 Highlights From This Week’s Episode
- The cake Siggy ordered for Melissa’s birthday weighed 500 pounds and was to serve 5 people. It landed on the floor of Boca Raton’s leading hotspot. This alone sent Siggy into an emotional spiral. As she wept about the destroyed dessert Dolores tried to remind her that it could have been worse, Teresa typically throws people across a room. Also, are you sure you are capable of giving people life advice if you get this upset about a sheet cake?
- Dolores’ ex-husband and her son Frankie were forced to spend a weekend alone together. There were few words, mostly grunts. They did argue over whom would clean the cutting board the latter used to broil a 64 oz. steak and if he would ever get an acceptance letter from an institution of higher learning. His life coach, whom Dolores hired from the Penny Saver, was not confident. “Let’s just say he’s living on planet protein powder,” she explained earlier that week. “If Frankie doesn’t go to college it will be my failure,” said Dolores.
- If it were not for Teresa’s yoga certification she may have never reunited with Danielle.
- Margaret purchased a gorgeous flower wreath for Teresa. Danielle, Melissa, Margaret, and Teresa wrote beautiful letters to their deceased loved ones and sent the wreath with the ocean waves deep into the sea. Editorial note: I cried my face off.
- Before they entered Siggy’s friend’s palatial estate she asked them all to maintain their dignity. Don’t, for example, spill wine on the linens or piss on the tennis resort. “So you think we are animals?” asked Melissa. “Yeah, that’s what I am saying,” replied Siggy. They sat down for lunch while a caterer poured them champagne. “Lori’s husband is the number one OBGYN in Boca,” explained Siggy. They all rolled their eyes. What does that matter to us? None of us need a pap smear this weekend. “Since you are an adult incapable of swimming I have hired you a lifeguard,” said Siggy’s friend to Teresa. “Oh, okay, great,” replied Teresa. “See, that’s the kind of friends I know,” Siggy explained.
- Tensions rose when it was revealed Margaret had arranged a memorial by the sea and did not extend an invitation to Siggy or Dolores. In Margaret’s defense they weren’t available because they were eating high calorie fruit smoothies at the cleanse bar.
- Siggy is a terrible tennis player.
- Teresa’s unreasonably long eyelashes were on display as Lee the swim instructor forced her to submerge her hair extensions deep into the dark pool water.
- Siggy invited the women to her second home, which was decorated with her headshots and floor length posters of her self-help book. While Teresa gnawed on over-salted crab cakes Siggy began to confront them all for the cake incident. “All of you were rude to me, and my friend Lori, and to everyone who lives in this city. That was a $1,000 cake,” said Siggy. “Look, it’s a cake, for gods sake,” Margaret tried to reason. “What will happen when you face an actual crisis?” Siggy began to explode after Margaret referred to her as “Soggy Flicker” based on her inability to contain her tears. Melissa noted she’s been called a gold digging hooker and never cried about it.
- Dolores, whom Teresa had known for 20 years, was the only one in Siggy’s corner. Despite the fact she called everyone idiots, referred to them as trash, and reminded them often that she was the most talented person on the planet Dolores sided with the woman who makes every occasion a personal tribute. “I am sorry, Sassy Chef,” said Siggy to the caterer after Margaret, Danielle, Melissa, and Teresa left. “I thought your crab cakes were delicious.”
Siggy wants to destroy Margaret.
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