Real Housewives of New York

The Talk: 14 Observations From Real Housewives of New York

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This week on the season 9 premiere of Real Housewives of New York Luann’s wedding was still the talk of the town, Carole obsessed about the election, and Ramona remodeled her apartment.

THE TALK OF THE TOWN

14 Most Important Observations From Real Housewives of New York Premiere

  1. Bethenny had to sell her old apartment because her ex-husband left it in shreds, which was why she wailed like an infant when she forced her assistant to videotape her assessing the property damage last year. Frederik from Million Dollar Listing was forced to stage the apartment because no one would otherwise want to pay $6.75 million dollars in cash for an apartment built on margarita money and haunted by the devil. “This place needs to be saved and possibility covered in holy water,” he explained to his real estate team. It was sold at $6.99 million in cash, at the price Bethenny suggested. She will therefore be a consultant on Million Dollar Listing next season.
  2. Luann loves a tennis skirt. Dorinda enjoys a jogging jacket.
  3. Luann invited Sonja to her bridal shower, but had zero intention of inviting her to the wedding. The only person invited to the wedding was Dorinda because she introduced the couple and because John offered them free spot cleaning treatments. She also didn’t think it was necessary to invite people who shared the common belief that Tom was probably still open to boning other people. Bethenny offered to sponsor the reception with SkinnyGirl margarita mix and protein bars at a reduced rate, which Luann surprisingly declined.
  4. Sonja was offered a part in an off off Broadway (as in Broadway, New Jersey) production of Hey, Here’s Some Sex Tips. It wasn’t a huge character leap because in her own home she keeps sex toys in her dishwasher.
  5. Ramona hired a contractor named Mario to help her revamp her marital apartment. While she was married to Mario it was decorated like the lobby of an Olive Garden, now it mirrored a Z Gallerie store. “I need a new design because if I have a lover come over I don’t want him to have to wash his hands in a sink from the 90s. Also, do you know anyone single?” she asked the contractor. Mario quietly texted his wife HELP ME while Ramona took a phone call.
  6. Carole asked her younger boyfriend Adam to move in with her, as long as he understood she lived like a 90-year-old woman. Rescue cats had ripped apart her former mother-in-law Lee’s couch and dog piss permeated the front hallway.
  7. Dorinda and Carole made amends for all the vicious things they had said about each other at the last reunion and throughout the summer. They promised to get back to a lighter and brighter place in their friendship, like how they were when they reclaimed Carole’s deceased husband’s ashes.
  8. Sonja and Bethenny caught up while cataloguing all the hideous clothes Sonja was willing to denote to Dress For Success. “Do you need these worn in boat shoes or these loafers you wore the spring you had athlete’s foot?” asked Bethenny. “This is the sweater top and the pair of yacht jeans I wore during the time I dated Prince Albert,” she explained to a surprised Bethenny. “Is this a fact or a figment of your imagination?” Bethenny asked Sonja.
  9. Luann spent that fall nursing a bludgeoned finger, enjoying her poorly decorated fiancée’s penthouse, and planning what she believed would be the first wedding ceremony and reception in the history of time.
  10. Dorinda and Ramona made lunch plans. They discussed aging, vitamin supplements, and how Tom’s ex-girlfriend claims he still wants to bone her.
  11. Later that week Ramona and Dorinda met for a lunch date at Ramona’s dining room table. Ramona noted she was starting to see some admirable qualities in John despite saying on more than one occasion that he made her skin crawl. She also said that Tom’s mother told someone else she found it odd that Luann openly flirted with younger men at a bar in Palm Beach. She was still sure their relationship was doomed.
  12. The next day she swilled a glass of wine after explaining in great detail to Luann how she’d lost weight due to thrice weekly training sessions and a streamlined diet. Then she asked Luann why she never received a bridal shower invitation despite her ongoing public concern Tom was philanderer. “Why would I invite you to the most magical day of my life when you’ve been stalking Tom’s ex-girlfriends to get information that may harm our big day?” asked Luann. Ramona took a deep breath. “People actually come to me to tell me he’s into other women,” explained Ramona. There’s talk. Luann repeated the party line that Tom and his fiancée were still friends, much like her relationship with the guy who sold wine and The Count de la Soul. “Why would the ex-girlfriend make that up?” asked Ramona. “People make up stories all the time,” Luann answered, but with a voice like James Earl Jones.
  13. “I just hope you don’t fall on your face,” said Ramona. Luann assured she would not because she was strong. “Are you?” asked Ramona. “Have you met yourself?” 
  14. Carole was obsessed with the election.

NEXT WEEK: Tinsley moves in with Sonja.

Season 9, Real Housewives of New York, Recap, Talk of the Town

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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