Real Housewives of New York

Stabbed: Real Housewives of New York Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New York almost everyone exposed their breasts, Ramona and Bethenny made up, and Dorinda stabbed herself with a steak knife.

UNINVITED EMOTIONAL GUEST

As Ramona gulped her margarita she insisted she was happy. “Just admit it,” said Sonja, “you hate your life.” Ramona licked the rim of her glass and looked into the distance. “Do I wish I was with someone? Yes. Do I wish that I didn’t think about Mario every night? Yes. Do I sometimes look for an extended length of time in a mirror at a Marriott Hotel? Yes.” Bethenny gripped Sonja’s hand. “You are an uninvited emotional guest,” she explained, which basically meant she pissed on someone just trying to have a nice relaxing vacation. She had already consumed 3/4 of a pitcher of margaritas unsurprisingly emblazoned with the Skinnygirl brand logo. Bethenny made sure the rental home was outfitted with Skinnygirl brand accessories. How can one open a wine bottle without a Skinnygirl wine opener? Need someone to dig a ditch? How about a Skinnygirl brand shovel?

REAL BREASTS

Sonja had grown restless and because she had not made a physical connection with anyone in the house staff she asked Luann to mount her. “Show us your breasts!” she screamed. Since Luann was newly married she wanted to respect her marital commitment by keeping her aerelos covered. Bethenny, however, de-robed and jumped into the pool. Sonja followed suit, with her non-waxed vag on full display. “I have great breasts,” said Ramona, yanking down her bathing suit top. Carole was unenthused. “Everyone knows I have the best breasts,” she said, noting hers were actually real. “Mine are real, and not that great,” said Tinsley.

PULL IT TOGETHER

Dorinda walked around the corner and into full view of Sonja’s bush. She wondered why she was without a bathing suit bottom. She tried with great effort to jam them back into their original position. “It’s like putting a bikini on a piece of spaghetti,” she noted. As this happened Ramona and Bethenny cried out their issues in the shallow end of the pool. Ramona was sorry for saying hateful things. Bethenny berated her for being awful. Ramona pleaded with her to give her another chance. Bethenny embraced her and wished for her only happiness. Did I mentioned Bethenny was totally nude?

After she had located a towel and her bathing suit Bethenny found Sonja beckoning her from the pool love seat. She caressed her face and kissed her softly. Bethenny reminded her that she was barking up the wrong vagina. Moments later Sonja fell into a deep sleep, one that was temporarily interrupted when the kitchen staff lifted her from the kitchen floor and placed her into a guest bedroom.

STABBED

Yet again Bethenny sat alone at the dinner table. She had spent hours having her hair flat ironed and for nothing. Three days of vacation and not one person was capable of showing up at the dinner table at the assigned time. Dorinda, the first to arrive, tried to assure Bethenny that the world would not implode if she wasn’t able to control things. “This is all an act,” said a frazzled Bethenny. She didn’t like people being late or suggesting her obsessive compulsive disorder was unnecessary. To prove her point Dorinda stabbed herself with a steak knife. “It’s just a flesh wound,” said Dorinda as she held her hand under cold water. The others worried if she would spend the remaining hours of the trip in a Mexican hospital. Instead of resting Dorinda took the opportunity to provide intoxicated life advice. “Thank you, Doctor Tequila,” said Bethenny.

NASTY

The others became distracted by the sound of bullets in the distance. Tinsley jumped up and danced in circles. It was in fact fireworks from a nearby estate. It was not enough to distract Bethenny and Dorinda from their rage. “Thanks for the Skinnygirl vacation,” said Dorinda with her sundress flapping in the wind. This was an emotional trigger for Bethenny. She assumed they were all secretly distressed by her incredible success. “So it all comes out,” she said in a sing-song voice. Was it her fault she was contractually obligated to discuss her company in every single episode? Was it Dorinda’s fault she was sick of hearing about low-calorie cocktails and energy bars? “You are a nasty person,” said Bethenny under her breath. “Yeah,” I am nasty,” said Dorinda. She had at some point treated everyone in her life like dog shit, with the exception of her mother who had pushed her out of her womb. “I know exactly who I am,” said Bethenny. It wasn’t like she had not seen herself on television, between episodes of Martha Stewart’s Celebrity Apprentice edition, her spin-off with her horrible ex-husband, and over 100 hours of Real Housewives of New York.

YOUR PATH

The next morning Ramona provided an abridged recap for Luann who had admitted she had fallen asleep while talking to Tom on the phone the night before. He had called her from The St. Regis  before he caught up with “old friends.” Bethenny and Dorinda were circling one another awaiting the other to confront the elephant in the room. It wasn’t until Bethenny received life changing advice from the resort’s yoga teacher that she approached Dorinda. “How someone treats you is their path,” said the physical education teacher the network hired for the weekend, “but how you react is your path.”

Bethenny and Dorinda folded their arms on a step outside the kitchen. It was awful for Bethenny to consistently apologize for making boatloads of cash with the sale of her low-calorie company. It was equally awful for Dorinda to communicate effectively while under the influence of a bottle of Patron. They agreed to see each other in a different way and hugged one another like cruise guests setting off for departure.

FISH BAIT

Later that morning Carole, Ramona, and Tinsley set off for a fishing expedition. Ramona tried to make out with the Captain and Carole pretended to catch a monstrous fish. No one doubted her story of grappling with the fishing line in the deep sea despite the fact she had the athletic build of someone in elementary school.

Sonja, Luann, and Bethenny remained on the mainland getting manicures. Sonja doubted Tinsley’s burgeoning relationship with a Coupon King. “It’s always the man of her dreams until it’s not,” she reasoned. She was unaware of Tinsley’s plans to throw a goodbye to your townhouse party to show gratitude for her hosting her in her time of need. “It’s a soiree to say thanks, but with a twist of f-ck off.” Sonja, who had heard rumblings of her plans, thought the party was an attempt to rectify her image and not necessarily a show of appreciation for allowing her to be a prison on the third floor of her townhouse.

On the last night they enjoyed dinner at a restaurant in town. They went around the table and shared the best and worst memory of the trip. For some it was the sunsets, and others it was Ramona’s face returning back to normal. Tinsley, who was wasted, made amends with Ramona and then got into an argument with Luann about the underlying tension between the people of Palm Beach and West Palm Beach. “The people of both cities are lovely, “said Tinsley, “but there is a difference.” They clanged glasses and Bethenny pretended she was about to jump off the roof of the restaurant.

NEXT WEEK:

A season finale party featuring Tom and one of his old girlfriends.

Real Housewives of New York Recap: Full Breasts, Bethenny, Dorinda, Stabbed, Ramona

 

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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