Real Housewives of New York

Slopes: Real Housewives of New York Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New York the women hit the slopes of Vermont and then engaged in a slippery slope discussion about sex.

SECLUSION

They remained secluded in a ski chalet in Stratton, Vermont. Ramona brought coffee to Sonja, which reminded her what an incredible Sister Wife she could be. She could rely on Ramona to bring her coffee, keep secrets about her wild trysts, and cover for her when she claimed she had a line of toaster lines or sheath dresses. Dorinda entered the kitchen in footed pajamas and with her morning hair and bed face, a rarity in the real housewives vernacular. She was surprised no one had fled in the middle of the night, namely Bethenny who always seemed to have her driver waiting in the driveway. In an act of martyrdom Dorinda gave the Sister Wives the larger bedroom.

SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT

Bethenny pulled Tinsley into the middle of the foyer so she could apologize for the previous evening, for being so callous about her inability to move past her previous abusive relationship.

Bethenny: “Hey, sorry about last night. I was tossing and turning all night because I remembered I am on the board of a woman’s charity for abused women.”

Tinsley: “You are? I just want people to understand it’s not just easy to get over something like that. I am trying.”

Bethenny: “Right. Right. Because everyone has their process. Right. So, we are good?”

Tinsley: “I am just trying to pull my life back together and become stronger.”

Bethenny: “Yep, awesome.” 

It was the worst apology that season.

TRANSITION

While eating dinner Sonja happily explained to Luann she was finally coming to terms with her transition. Luann tilted her head. “I am not transitioning, I am still a woman.” Sonja threw her hands into the air. “No, I mean the transition of Tom sleeping in my bed and then into yours. I guess I need to spend more time with you as a married couple so I can accept he married you instead of me.” Luann wanted her to accept her marriage and Sonja wanted her to accept her quirky personality. “This is who I am,” Sonja explained while wearing a stolen negligee and snow boots, “I have no filter.”

SLOPES

Ramona curled her hair to ski down an icy mountain. “It’s still not Aspen.” She provided herself with a young ski instructor and left her Sister Wife Sonja with the oldest person on the ski force, who also happened to be the regional head of the AARP.

Carole and Dorinda stayed in the ski lodge because Dorinda feared breaking a leg before their Mexico trip. She couldn’t afford to have her arm in a sling while wearing a bathing suit. Carole brought to light a Page Six item about Bethenny’s ex-husband getting arrested for harassment. Her co-star in Bethenny Ever After, it turns out, was never happy and certainly not after they divorced. “You would think a settlement would end things,” said Carole. “I got news for you,” said Dorinda, “It does not.” As they gulped down mid-day cocktails Carole worried Tinsley was a day drinker. “Is there enough Titos back at the ski chalet?” asked Dorinda. She still had a gallon.

Onboard a gondola Ramona had the ski instructor take photos of her with her phone while Bethenny clutched her Skinnygirl snowboard. She undoubtedly began to read the wave of texts notifying her to the Page Six item, which made her all the more disinterested in sharing ski slopes with Ramona, Sonja, and Luann. The trip was still worth it because viewers were at that point unaware that you can buy a snowboard with her company’s logo.

POST COUGAR

Ramona screamed at Tinsley on her way down the slopes. “You are in my way,” which is also what she screams at people every day on the streets of New York. Back at the ski lodge Ramona ordered the instructor to get her drinks despite being mid-conversation with Dorinda about being neighbors in The Berkshires. “Tim, can you get yourself a Corona and a drink for me and put it on my tab?” she ordered. “He’s not a waiter, Ramona,” said Dorinda. Tim, by the way, hated Corona. Dorinda was appalled not only by the way Ramona ordered the staff around, but how she shamelessly came onto poor Tim. “She’s not even a cougar anymore, she’s post-Cougar.”

Carole worried Tinsley was drinking vodka sodas while taking medication. “I don’t know much about pharmaceuticals, but I do know you shouldn’t mix them with rail alcohol.” They all politely asked Ramona to remove her feet from their line of vision. She had removed her ski boot and placed them within inches of their drinks and appetizer plates.

Bethenny scrolled through her phone as a large vein pulsated on her forehead. “I won’t ask if she doesn’t want to discuss,” said Dorinda. Carole admitted to Bethenny later she shared limited information with her ski weekend companion and the viewing audience. “It’s everywhere anyway,” whispered Bethenny with a Skinnygirl brand handkerchief.

SLIPPERY SLOPE

That evening at the chalet a local gourmet chef prepared dinner at the request of Ramona. As the chef and his staff pureed vegetables and marinated steaks the women played a game of truth or dare. It was a welcome pivot after Tinsley drunkenly told everyone how much she liked to shop. Sonja tried to make out with the waiter. Dorinda admitted John the Dry Cleaner had a penis the size of an overgrown cucumber. Carole shared with everyone (including the guy cutting the onions) that she had sex with George Clooney and his penis was a 9. Tinsley admitted she had anal sex with her ex-husband. “What? I was married.” Topper was huge and it was awful and she cried. Dorinda looked on in horror. “That’s just inappropriate and I don’t do it.”

There was a debate over whether or not oral sex constituted sex.

The entire conversation was too much for Luann to bear. “I am just so glad that I am married now,” said Luann, as if getting hitched three weeks prior meant she had never engaged in fellatio. “Oh, don’t look at me that way,” screamed Dorinda from across the table. “You are not better than any of us, for God’s sake your husband was screwing half this table.” Luann was surprised her own bridesmaid would flip out on her across the table. Wasn’t she happy to celebrate her wedding for another few weeks to come? “You are not God, Luann,” she screamed. Surprisingly they made up within a few minutes.

Then Carole made a crass toast while not wearing a bra.

NEXT WEEK:

Carole sets up Tinsley.

Real Housewives of New York, Recap, Slopes, Luann, Tinsley

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