Real Housewives of New York

Real Housewives of New York Recap: Cracks

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This week on Real Housewives of New York Tinsley threw Sonja a thank you for allowing me to live in your home rent free party and cracks between Luann and Tom started to show. 

MOST AUTHENTIC SELF

Now that Adam had moved out, Carole could live freely as a woman covered in hairballs in an apartment that smelled like cat urine. “Other women feel empowered in a relationship, but I feel like my most authentic self when I don’t have someone sharing my living space,” she explained. She could also eat meat slabs and ice cream pints without judgment. Bethenny, who had swung by on her way to a business meeting where she would undoubtedly cut off someone’s balls shared the good news she was in renovation hell. She had been awaiting permits to green light extensive renovations for the new property she had purchased. “These are champagne problems,” said Carole.

CRACKS

Luann and Tom were deliriously unhappy happy weeks into their short union. She had spent some time teaching him tennis, a mental game played with rackets. She enjoyed the way they could rally and ignore the fact he always lied about the score. “I won, right?” he’d say and she’d always respond yes. “Of course you did, my Prince.” They were still in a honeymoon phase as far as she was concerned, but to Tom if that were true that honeymoon must have been spent at a high security prison. “I think the girls have finally accepted we are so happy,” Luann told Tom in between sets. “Oh, fine, whatever,” he responded, sweat glistening on his baldhead. He could think of nothing but Missy. What was she doing at that moment? Did she miss him? Could she meet him at the Regency later?

NO, THANK YOU

Sonja made some slight alternations to her townhouse, ones that impressed a horribly cynical Ramona. She liked the way you could walk through the center of the dining room and that she no longer served drinks with brown ice. It was part of interior décor suggestions made by Frenchie, the foreigner she banged when he was visiting the country. “Things are going well,” said Sonja, “he wants me to meet his parents,” she added. “I have told them you are my American friend who makes toaster ovens,” he told her. They both thought it odd that Tinsley wanted to throw Sonja a gratitude party. “How can someone who sleeps as if they were in a coffin with double lashes and spiraled hair throw anyone else a party?” asked Ramona.  Sonja didn’t want a party or a gift, she wanted her to acknowledge the way she changed her life. Perhaps she could use some of her cash piles to purchase her a cheese platter or a new toilet?

NEW SPACE

Bethenny was so proud to show her new property to Dorinda and the ice hockey player she was banging who just so happened to be missing several teeth. “Oh, look at you,” Dorinda diplomatically said upon meeting his acquaintance. (Good, Lord, that is a disaster,” said Dorinda to a producer hiding in one of the closets. “You could teach yoga classes in this space! You could throw a dance party! I could hide from John in this apartment!” Then they held the ice hockey player’s butt cheeks in their hands.

Tinsley moved into her $7,000 a month hotel accommodations with the help of her new boyfriend and potential husband Scott. “Can she do anything for herself?” the others wondered. There she could lay her head on a monogrammed pillow and not worry if she was violating the terms of Sonja’s house rules or share a bathroom with an intern. Carole was impressed with her new space, offering her a candle Dorinda had given her that Christmas, which happened to smell like feet.

Dorinda and John were happily not-cohabitating in her apartment because she enjoyed having her own space. Once a week she would make him dinner, typically dry pork chops covered in a jar of applesauce, which would culminate with love making on her purple couch. He brought a replica of a Beyoncé dress left at his dry cleaning business. “Here, this is for you,” he whispered while sweat beads piled up above his lip. Dorinda made it clear that while she enjoyed the dress and could see herself wearing it, but there would be no wedding. She was very happy to be alone.

PARTY PREP

A team of no less than three primped Tinsley before the party. “I am not afraid of makeup,” she said as a makeup artist rolled out a suitcase full of products. She called her boyfriend so that he could assure her that she could make up for living five months rent free in Sonja’s townhouse by throwing her a party paid for by production.

Although Sonja had thought of blowing off the party she begrudgingly showed up an hour late. She thought it was supposed to be a cocktail party, but it was basically a wedding without a groom. Tinsley had flower arrangements, three groomsmen dressed in matching Sonja glitter t-shirts, a message to Sonja lit up on the floor, a three tier cake, a signature drink, an uninspired toast, and a framed photo of herself with Sonja in the background with her head cut off. “This really is all about Tinsley,” said Luann, which was rich coming from someone who expected months of gifts well after her wedding. “Are you guys getting married next?” Dorinda asked Scott. A look of panic came over his face as Tinsley clenched his arm. “Have you ever met my sister Dabney?” she asked the boyfriend she had planned to spend the rest of her life with. There was no sign of the gold wedding band from her first marriage she had worn on their first date. Sonja looked across the room. She wondered if he was aware of what he was getting into.  “You really restrained yourself with that one,” said Bethenny to Sonja, “I would have thrown her under the bus months ago.”

OK, THANK YOU

The others wondered where Sonja’s lover had gone. “He just tossed me like a salad,” she responded to the confusion and horror of those around her. “This is a Sonja-tini,” said Tinsley. “It’s not cold and too sweet,” said Sonja swishing remnants around her mouth. It tasted like a sock dipped in syrup. “Scott seems nice,” Ramona said to Bethenny. “Uh, I guess, whatever,” she replied. “I guess I just wish that I had someone,” said Ramona. It was the first time she admitted that while boning the elder gents of New York City was a good time, she might never find a companion. Bethenny looked deep into her eyes. “I am no life coach, but I am sure you will be fine. It’s like me and money. I have made some and will have always have money. I am exceptional with finances. You will probably get married again because you did it once.”

As Luann thanked the women for supporting her marriage her new groom was in the corner with his ex-girlfriend Missy. “Are you okay?” asked Missy. “I just get choked up when I see you,” he replied. He turned off his mic so he could regale the group he was standing with about the first time he met the woman he really wished he had married.

Tinsley stood before the guests. “With no disrespect to my own sister who is here tonight, I think of you like a sister,” said Tinsley. She presented her with the horrible framed picture and a $5,000 gift certificate to Bergdorf Goodman, which Sonja rubbed on her vagina.

UPDATES:

Scott is moving to New York so that Tinsley can squeeze out another season before Bravo starts production on Real Housewives of Chicago. She still refuses to change her hair.

Despite loathing physical exercise and having to wear her hair in a ponytail, Carole has signed up for the New York City marathon.

Luann and Tom filed for divorce after the reunion was filmed, thereby giving her a fresh story for next season. Despite filming their engagement party, wedding, and post wedding reception and discussing at length their eternal happiness they have asked for “privacy” at this time.

Bethenny and her apartment are back on the market. She plans to reveal her new property on her real estate spin-off coming this fall. She doesn’t feel bad for Luann.

Ramona and Mario reunited at Avery’s college graduation, but their romance ship has sailed. She is considering a renewed renewal theme for next season.

Dorinda lets John spend an occasional night at her apartment, but has no plans to let him move in permanently. She’s fine with him living in a unit behind his dry cleaning factory.

Sonja spent a few weeks in France with her daughter and Frenchie, but still keeps in touch with Rocco in case things go south. She spent the Bergdorf gift certificate on lingerie drawer freshener.

Real Housewives of New York, Thank You, Luann, Tom

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