Reality TV Stars
Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Cabra-Hell
They were all headed to The Hamptons that weekend to see Sonja’s widely anticipated performance in Middle Aged Lady Walking Around The Stage in Fancy Underwear. Tickets sales would go towards the development of a LGBT youth center for rich kids looking for a safe place to reenact movie musicals and watch Lifetime movies. It was an all interns on deck weekend with one pulling a motor vehicle out of storage, another screwing on a stolen license plate, and another calling drag queens. She’d spent 20 minutes rehearsing in a dance hall in the City and ten more watching scenes from Liza Minelli in Cabaret.
Sonja had been an international fashion and modeling gal. Then she became a pioneer in the toaster oven business. Now she was combining the sultry moves of burlesque with the singsong style of a dinner theater in Akron, Ohio. She could do anything if she put her mind up to it and had a case of wine to wash it down.
The night of the performance Luann decided to show. She’d been
busy negotiating with Bravo for a larger salary gallivanting around New York City countessing and such. Aviva was happy to see Luann. Had she heard how Carole had beaten her in the stairwell of her home? Or how she’d threatened the lives of her children? Luann was horrified. She had known Carole was a horrendous person ever since she commented on the fact she was also wearing a cape in London. But this was on another level.
Sonja pranced. Harry waited for one of her nipples to plunge from her corset. Everyone applauded and Amanda, the unfortunately styled image consultant pointed out while slurring that it was the closest she’d come to menopause.
Party at Lu’s Place
After a morning surf lesson, a bathing suit cover trunk party, and a quick nap they all resumed festivities at Luann’s beach house. Kristen had a chance by then to spend some quality time with Harry Dubin, Aviva’s ex-husband and the object of various castmates attention. She thought he was a lovely man but didn’t understand his level of sexual activity given his yellowing teeth and balding hair. But you know who did want him? Amanda the image consultant. She’d made her way through 8 vodka and cranberries to work up the nerve up to talk to him next to the barbecue even if it meant buddying up to Sonja who she had referred to as a stripper only 12 hours prior. (That is when she wasn’t trying to dry hump Heather’s pink V-neck sweater wearing trainer). But Harry found her size 32 Long boobs and slurred speech distracting.
Aviva’s Team Collapses
Things began to heat up when Aviva noticed Carole pull Luann into the kitchen to apologize for pointing out last season that only celebrities with actual talent wear her friend’s designer clothes. Luann had forgiven her thereby changing the dynamics of the game. With only Ramona, who was not only totally unreliable but also on a family vacation in Africa, on her team she was beginning to feel frantic. Amanda supported her, but she was too busy hovering in the corner. She had made the mistake of threatening Heather with a beat down without considering Heather can run sprints while pulling a tire.
Back to #Bookgate
The ladies settled into the living room where Sonja tried to explain to everyone that Carole should have congratulated Aviva on having someone else splice her text messages into a book. Did it matter that she didn’t technically write a book about her own life? A publishing deal is almost impossible unless you appear on a Bravo show. But Aviva didn’t mention to anyone that she had asked Carole to screen ghostwriters for her the previous week. But the mass of hens started clucking and no one could get in a word edgewise. Not even Luann.
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