Reality TV Stars

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Cabra-Hell

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Caburlesque

They were all headed to The Hamptons that weekend to see Sonja’s widely anticipated performance in Middle Aged Lady Walking Around The Stage in Fancy Underwear. Tickets sales would go towards the development of a LGBT youth center for rich kids looking for a safe place to reenact movie musicals and watch Lifetime movies. It was an all interns on deck weekend with one pulling a motor vehicle out of storage, another screwing on a stolen license plate, and another calling drag queens. She’d spent 20 minutes rehearsing in a dance hall in the City and ten more watching scenes from Liza Minelli in Cabaret.

Sonja had been an international fashion and modeling gal. Then she became a pioneer in the toaster oven business. Now she was combining the sultry moves of burlesque with the singsong style of a dinner theater in Akron, Ohio. She could do anything if she put her mind up to it and had a case of wine to wash it down.

The night of the performance Luann decided to show. She’d been busy negotiating with Bravo for a larger salary gallivanting around New York City countessing and such. Aviva was happy to see Luann. Had she heard how Carole had beaten her in the stairwell of her home? Or how she’d threatened the lives of her children? Luann was horrified. She had known Carole was a horrendous person ever since she commented on the fact she was also wearing a cape in London. But this was on another level.

Sonja pranced. Harry waited for one of her nipples to plunge from her corset. Everyone applauded and Amanda, the unfortunately styled image consultant pointed out while slurring that it was the closest she’d come to menopause.

Party at Lu’s Place

After a morning surf lesson, a bathing suit cover trunk party, and a quick nap they all resumed festivities at Luann’s beach house. Kristen had a chance by then to spend some quality time with Harry Dubin, Aviva’s ex-husband and the object of various castmates attention. She thought he was a lovely man but didn’t understand his level of sexual activity given his yellowing teeth and balding hair. But you know who did want him? Amanda the image consultant. She’d made her way through 8 vodka and cranberries to work up the nerve up to talk to him next to the barbecue even if it meant buddying up to Sonja who she had referred to as a stripper only 12 hours prior. (That is when she wasn’t trying to dry hump Heather’s pink V-neck sweater wearing trainer). But Harry found her size 32 Long boobs and slurred speech distracting.

Aviva’s Team Collapses

Things began to heat up when Aviva noticed Carole pull Luann into the kitchen to apologize for pointing out last season that only celebrities with actual talent wear her friend’s designer clothes. Luann had forgiven her thereby changing the dynamics of the game. With only Ramona, who was not only totally unreliable but also on a family vacation in Africa, on her team she was beginning to feel frantic. Amanda supported her, but she was too busy hovering in the corner. She had made the mistake of threatening Heather with a beat down without considering Heather can run sprints while pulling a tire.

Back to #Bookgate

The ladies settled into the living room where Sonja tried to explain to everyone that Carole should have congratulated Aviva on having someone else splice her text messages into a book. Did it matter that she didn’t technically write a book about her own life? A publishing deal is almost impossible unless you appear on a Bravo show. But Aviva didn’t mention to anyone that she had asked Carole to screen ghostwriters for her the previous week. But the mass of hens started clucking and no one could get in a word edgewise. Not even Luann.

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

5 Comments

  1. Susan

    April 2, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    HAHAHAHA!! One of the best recaps ever. 32 Long boobs, beaten in the stairwell, Heather running sprints while pulling a tire, dinner theatre in Akron, OH…it’s all too good. Please don’t ever stop.

    • mm

      Kate

      April 3, 2014 at 3:04 am

      Thank you!

  2. julie

    April 3, 2014 at 3:20 am

    You are the Best! Keep doing what you’re doing..Everyone will find you eventually and you will be wildly successful.

  3. Katy

    April 3, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    “But Harry found her size 32 Long boobs and slurred speech distracting.” Giggling like an idiot! Seriously, I found her boobs refreshing. I’m so sick of perfect roundies! Thanks for the laugh

  4. Mehmet

    July 11, 2015 at 2:33 am

    In the event Mizz Andy’s listening, here is my wish list for next seaosn:Ramona Keep her, but put her in Rehab. What kind? You decide Andy.LuAnn Get rid of her, and make her a distant friend of the other wives. Why? She doesn’t bring anythin significant to the show.Sonja Keep her, butmake her sign waiver promising to wear panties, and nicer clothes. oh, and make sure she pays her interns . Oh, and please let us see how the toaster oven develops.Heather Keep her, and give her a little raise. Also, take us behind the scenes of her business,Yummy Tummy..I’d like to see how her staff interacts.Carole Keep her, and give her a raise, if you must. I know there is a bit of diva-bitchitis, in Carole, we’ve ALL seen it during her talk head interviews, if she comes back next seaosn, I want her to bring a little drama, stir the pot, and watch it stew.Aviva Replacement!!! Good gawd Mizz Andy, get rid of her..STAT. anyhone can whine and moan, and complain, and talk down to others..but does anyone else have a father George? Hmm. that’s something to consider.All-in-all, this wasn’t a bad seaosn, but, these ladies need to Bring it, nest seaosn!!

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