Real Housewives of New York

Frenchie: Real Housewives of New York Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New York Luann got married, Frenchie moved in with Sonja, and Bethenny held a holiday party. 

FRENCHIE

Sonja painted herself into a corner. She wanted a man who appreciated pressed linens from her almost dead ex-husband’s family, but she also desired a foreigner disinterested in more than marathon sex. Rocco was an Italian with a strong jaw, but Edgar (Frenchie) had feathered hair and looked past the fact the second floor of her home was decorated with stuffed animals. Edgar wanted her because she was open-minded, willing to look past the fact he regularly boned other women and the fact he didn’t have his own home. She would overlook the fact he was homeless because he was a panther in the sack.

Tinsley, who had outstayed her welcome, felt threatened by Frenchie. Although he was technically more suitable for her, Lady Morgan had nestled her fangs into him immediately. Suddenly his youth hostel was no longer an option; he kept a suitcase underneath the dust-covered curtains in her bedroom. “He’s moving in,” noted Sonja’s assistant Connor, who had been sending emails to his family for months assuring them being paid in ketchup packets was reasonable. “This guy thinks we should move around the furniture in the dining room!” he would text to Tinsley at night from his cot in the basement beside extra large containers of Mop n Glow no one would ever use. “Why would he want to live here?” she would respond, “the toilets don’t work.”

HOLIDAY PARTY

Bethenny didn’t invite Ramona to her holiday party, a festive soiree only cast members of the show attended. Ramona would not be receiving a monogrammed Christmas ornament or be able to suck from a tequila ice luge emblazoned with the Skinnygirl logo. She wouldn’t be able to enjoy a mid-party presentation about the future of energy bars while wearing house socks because the host doesn’t like her wood floors scuffed. She would not receive the holiday gift, a Skinnygirl blender with protein shake packets.

AVERY AND HER FRIENDS

Ramona tried to keep herself occupied with the four people who pretended to understand her: Avery’s childhood friends whom she could never remember their names. “Let’s go out with the girls from your high school class,” she’d said to Avery that week. Not one of the 50 women from her birthday luncheon were interested or available to hear her exaggerated version of the fight that ended her friendship with Bethenny. “Order what you want,” Ramona told them as if it was parent’s weekend. “I just love Pellegrino,” said Avery’s friend. “Yes, Pellegrino is my favorite water,” Avery responded. They all wondered what it would be like to be so poor you’d be forced to drink tap water.

“Guys, I need your advice,” said Ramona. “I am asking you because I think of you like my daughters, even though I have no idea where any of you live, the names of your parents, and what you plan on doing for a living. I just know that you and I are more on the same level,” she said while doing air quotes. “I was speaking with Bethenny and she pushed my buttons and I went on a rampage.” “Mom, you said you blacked out,” chimed in Avery. (It was not the first time she had admitted to her daughter she had blacked out). “The problem is we both had bad childhoods and we have the same astrological sign,” Ramona added. One of Avery’s friends, we’ll call her Bangs, suggested her non-friendship was based on walking on eggshells. “This sounds like a one-sided friendship,” suggested Bangs, who had taken two psychology courses in the last year.

OH, RAMONA

Back at the Frankel holiday party Dorinda and the others discussed the way Ramona had ripped wall lighting off her wall and never apologized. “Sounds right,” said Carole who had consumed her first alcoholic drink on record. “I drink,” she explained, when it’s something fun.” They all drank from chocolate chip cups, which they would all later regret once the tequila wore off.

WEDDING

In Palm Beach Luann and Tom were married in an intimate ceremony alongside their friends, family, and Jill Zarin. A crypt keeper toasted them at the rehearsal dinner and a woman with oversized lips and a plastic face jumped out of a cake. It was unknown if Noel breakdanced or if Luann and Victoria performed their latest iTunes hit at the reception. Dorinda almost got demoted from bridesmaid because she was wasted and late.

IT HAPPENED?

In New York Carole and Bethenny were still shocked the wedding took place. They still thought it was suspect that a 50-year-old man with a love of loafers was single that long. Why did he call off two engagements? Surely that was something Luann took into account? Apparently she did not.

POST NUPTIALS

Dorinda was the least excited about Luann and Tom’s post-wedding party. “I think it’s fair to say we’ve celebrated them enough,” she noted. “We get it, you are married.” Bethenny showed up 15 minutes late to an empty room, which led her to believe she and Dorinda weren’t the only people over the nuptials. Tinsley arrived with her 23-year-old date that was delighted by an open bar. “This place looks drab,” said Ramona to her daughter as they walked through the door, “must be running out of money already.” Then she congratulated the couple on their union.

“I don’t wear a ring,” Tom was overheard saying. The women in the room collectively rolled their eyes. “I am sure she held the pen as he signed the marriage license,” someone whispered. Sonja pulled Frenchie towards Mr. and Mrs. D’Agostino. “This is my lover, who is currently residing in my home. We have been seeing each other since October,” she explained to the confused couple. Tom’s jaw was clenched.

Tom explained to the women in the room that the wedding was really all Luann’s doing. “It was all Luann, every single thing was her choice, infact I barely showed up.” The room became cold.

“Seriously though, Luann is a great cook, she made me pasta the other day,” he explained. “Are you sure she didn’t get it delivered and then serve it to you on a plate?” asked Ramona. Despite this she was still surprised she didn’t get a wedding invitation.

NEXT WEEK:

One of Tom’s old girlfriends shows up.

Real Housewives of New York, Recap, Avery, Ramona, Luann, Wedding, Tom

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