Parenting

Soggy: Real Housewives of NJ Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Margaret threw a launch party for her purse line, which Siggy and Dolores refused to attend. Margaret referred to Siggy as Soggy Flicker, causing an emotional breakdown. Joe Gorga bought an Italian restaurant without telling Melissa, and Teresa began work on another book.

PURSE

Margaret was a sassy lady. She enjoyed a good joke and a glitter purse. She was not embarrassed by the fact she met her husband when he came to fix her dry wall. She may have placed her hair in pigtails, but she sat on top of an accessory empire, one that even Melissa Gorga admired. She was a likable broad with a good sense of humor, the kind of gal who would invite her ex-husband to a holiday party and greet him with a high-five. She invited the women to her new cosmetic bag line launch, a chicken skewer and cotton candy martini themed party in her house that was falling apart. Almost everyone attended.

SIGGY MELTDOWN

Siggy was not over the trip to Boca Raton. She complained to her husband while he rolled meatballs. She complained to Dolores late into the night on the phone. She complained to Frankie Jr. while he did chin ups, the lady at Kinkos who printed her life sized posters, and to the women who stood in line to hear her presentation on knowing your self worth. How can grown women throw sheet cake and think it is normal? Why would someone have a memorial for their friend’s deceased mother and not invite me? Why wouldn’t you thank me for making sure you had a lifeguard for a backyard pool? These questions haunted Siggy.

Dolores was the only one who would listen. It was a lot less stressful than listening to her ex-husband and son argue about his future. Do you remember calling him an embarrassment?” she asked Frank Sr. “Stay away from women. It will ruin your potential.” You want to complain about the lady who destroyed your trip to Florida? Sure, I am all in. “Siggy was really there for me when I needed it,” explained Dolores, which was why she was able to look past her melodramatic monologues.

It was why she was willing to forgo a launch party at Margaret’s home, because attending would mean violation of the Siggy Treaty, an agreement under international law which forbids you from entering suburban New Jersey cocktail parties if a woman fails to live up to their friendship obligations.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Rather than attending the cosmetic bag party Siggy and Dolores opted for a slumber party at the Campanella home. They devoured Doritos and red wine while wearing facemasks. “No, I wasn’t going to that party,” explained Siggy. “Why would I want to go to a party with a woman with pigtails? She is a horrible person.” She went on for hours.

While Margaret ran in circles trying to hide the holes in the walls, the paint splotches on the floor, and a broken conventional oven, she wondered if Siggy would show up. “I am on the verge of a menstrual blowout,” she screamed at her husband. “Oh, I didn’t tell you,” said Margaret to the other women. “Those two are not coming. Look through these texts.” Both Siggy and Dolores explained they would be unable to attend the party because they did not appreciate Margaret’s behavior on their trip to Florida and because they already had duffel bags that accommodated their makeup brushes and products. “Wow, Dolores really is stuck up Siggy’s tail,” noted someone. So Margaret did what no house lady had ever done, she graciously texted Siggy and asked if she would be willing to come by for some sweet potato fries. This was, by the way, only because Siggy had blocked her on social media, so she was unable to just send a direct message or snap.

THE TEXT

“I just got checked by Margaret,” said Siggy across town. Dolores strained to read the text from the leather chair beside her. Siggy read through the note and remarked it would be nice to hear what she had to say. Perhaps they could put this disaster behind them? Maybe they could collaborate on speaking opportunities? “That is the most insincere text I have ever heard,” replied Dolores. It was like winding up a team of ice hockey players and then right at the buzzer reminding the team their opponents are going through emotional struggles. I thought we hated her, thought Dolores? I thought I was supposed to loathe Margaret? Did I miss the memo? You made me slash her tires!?!

Siggy could despite someone and then re-like them within minutes. She did the same with Teresa a few days before. After she tried to rip out her eye sockets and thanked her for the apology Teresa never really gave her. “I am glad you apologized and we can move forward from this,” she told Teresa. “Uh, yeah, whatever,” Teresa replied.

SOGGY FLICKER

The next morning Siggy met with Margaret at a deli to discuss what had transpired. The bottom line was that she was in the midst of an emotional and hormonal tornado because Margaret called her Soggy Flicker. She had the audacity to make light of the fact she drew constant tears. “Jesus, for this?” asked Margaret. “I could have said much worse.” Margaret asked why someone who speaks publicly about moving away from toxicity could sound so toxic. “I thought you were all about empowering women,” said Margaret. “I don’t want empower you, I want to destroy you!” screamed Siggy.

There were two problems lurking. Siggy did not enjoy being the butt of a joke and she most certainly didn’t like a new girl (SOMEONE SHE BROUGHT TO THE SHOW, nonetheless) receiving so much adoration and praise. “Margaret is a snake, and she’s trying to take Siggy’s place,” explained Dolores in a confessional. It would complicate her plans for a spin-off or sitting beside Andy on the reunion couch if Margaret were well received.

THE APOLOGY

As Siggy began to cry (no big surprise) Margaret began to feel sad. “Don’t cry now,” she plead while gnawing on her omelet. “I don’t want to make you feel bad. I am a real wise ass, but I don’t want you to cry.” She chalked it up to having a different sense of humor. “I am funny,” she simply explained. “I am like Joan Rivers.” They argued about whether she was as funny as Joan Rivers or if she in fact knew her. (Photographic evidence proved Margaret spent at least one night with Joan). They agreed to move forward, but it was clear this would not be the end of their catfights.

OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

– Teresa moved her father’s furniture into her medieval mansion.

– Joe Gorga decided to “buy” an Italian restaurant, which serves gourmet fast food pasta without telling his wife. It was not the first time a man in their family made a poor financial decision without advising their spouse.

– Dolores and her ex-husband took their unmotivated son out to dinner.

– Teresa began work on another book, but the publisher pushed her to reveal more.

NEXT WEEK:

Dolores welcomes back Danielle, but calls her a scumbag.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Soggy Flicker, Siggy, Margaret

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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