Real Housewives of New Jersey

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Teresa Returns

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On the season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey Teresa was released from prison, Melissa worried her new bond with her in-laws would crumble away, Jacqueline and Chris tried to recover from financial loss, and Dolores and Siggy made a memorable entrance discussing facelifts.

MELISSA

In Montclair Melissa had forgone her dream of becoming a middle-aged pop star because she felt a greater calling: selling jeans and blouses. Joe would rather she stay in the home he built, tried to sell, and then moved back into so she would always be available to prepare him spaghetti dinners. But Melissa wanted their kids to look at her in the same way they looked at their father: with confusion about how they were able to lease so many cars. So they boarded up the music studio in the basement and set forth on a mission to provide the people of Essex County, New Jersey with various styles of day and night attire. “I am happy to say Joe hasn’t given me one dollar towards this business,” Melissa said of their joint income. She understood it would be an adjustment for Joe since he still believed it was 1950. This career change would challenge the values she espoused in her tome Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage, a directional guide to being a subservient woman in the modern era.

JACQUELINE

Jacqueline and her husband had fallen on hard times. Gone were the days when they could invite people over for huge Christmas dinners. Now it was strictly BYOS, bring your own salami. Part of it was Chris’ fault thinking bottled sludge was a reasonable investment. Who wants to guzzle dirty water after a long run or spin class? Ashlee moved back home and become a makeup artist. “Good news, everyone! She’s no longer a horrible human being!” Jacqueline exclaimed. She was dating her old boyfriend from high school and now had enormous lips.

Jacqueline owed a debt of gratitude to her friends Dolores and Siggy for sticking by her through life’s many trials and tribulations. Dolores was an old friend who had weathered tornados Teresa and Dina, a woman with a big heart and the willingness to slit your tires if provoked. Siggy had tremendous determination having been born in a bomb shelter in Israel and the balls to walk into a restaurant post-face lift. “Just remember it will all be worth it,” Dolores told Siggy as she drank lobster bisque through a straw in the restaurant’s panic room.

FAMILY TIES

Melissa and Joe had spent the time Teresa was in a correctional facility rebuilding their relationship with his father, which Teresa tried to destroy in the years before her sentencing. Melissa harbored no ill feelings for Teresa despite her insistence her sister-in-law could never visit her in the year she served her sentence. She was instead hopeful a Christmas Eve releasement dinner would be the first step in repairing the family, especially with it being the season of Baby Jesus magic.

In the hours before her release Teresa prepared the others for her arrival by having her lawyer send text message photos of notes she scribbled on legal pad paper. “Heard you were asking about me,” she wrote to Jacqueline. “We have a lot to catch up on.” After reading it Jacqueline hid in the hallway closet until Chris came home. The idea of reconnecting with Teresa felt like having someone throw burning hot coffee at your face and then asking if you like regular or decaf.

PARTY

At the Bring Your Own Salami party old friends gathered around Jacqueline’s light up tree. They all anticipated Teresa’s arrival, but no one more than Jacqueline. Melissa worried Teresa’s note would only drive Jacqueline further off the cuckoo for cocoa puffs bridge.

While Siggy and Dolores explained to the other guests the pitfalls that come with cutting your face open and stretching it backwards Joe Gorga asked Chris about Christmas presents. “What did you get Jacqueline this year?” he asked. Chris politely tried to remind him that given their bleak financial situation they had agreed to go without presents this year. “We are going to give each other our love,” Chris diplomatically replied. “I love that,” said Joe Gorga. “Melissa said she wanted a new car.”

Jacqueline lifted her glass and toasted Joe and Melissa on the arrival of Teresa. “I am happy for you guys,” she said as she rubbed tears from her face.

TERESA RETURNS

Joe threw back a cappuccino with Teresa’s lawyer. He was happy Teresa was coming home because he had been trapped alone in a home with four women for more than he could take. How many times can you break up a fight about hairspray?

Gia brought down an outfit for her mother’s release. She would need to look as if she had walked out of a sauna and not a federal prison. Gia and Joe argued about whether the kids would stay home from school, which seemed odd considering it was December 23rd. She reminded him that her mother would be home within hours and she was the one who really had the testicules in the relationship.

The next morning Joe pulled out his best track pants and black tank top. He ironed them before dressing himself. He wanted to make sure his various tattoos and no longer toned arms would be visible. Gia collected her sisters and waited in the kitchen while Milania screamed at the reporters and photographers who had flooded the front entrance of their home.

Teresa walked through the garage and into Joe’s arms soon followed by each of her daughters. Gabriella noticeably waited behind as the other girls walked their mother up the stairs.

They would all try to heal.

Real Housewives of New Jersey , Recap, Teresa, Joe, Gia

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2 Comments

  1. Lisa Bradley

    July 11, 2016 at 2:39 am

    I am dying with laughter……”Joe’s best track suit pants”
    I was thinking WTF when I saw him.

  2. Shellseeker

    July 11, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Funny how Joe Gorga was all amped up about Melissa becoming a pop star nit long ago. That would be anything but a stay at home mom and wife job that he wants her to have now, cough. If she had actually had success and the promotion to get there, she would have been gone a lot compared to partnering in a clothing boutique. I guess the pop star gigs did have one perk he loves, attention. He always managed to get on stage and in photos for her song. This is getting to be like a soap opera where the writers completely disregard the facts they established for a character a few months prior. There is a shift in their age, who they are in love with, everything, as if a character transplant took place.

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