Real Housewives of New Jersey

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Leopard

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Jacqueline surprised Teresa by showing up at her house unannounced wanting answers, Melissa shopped for her boutique, and Siggy and Teresa threw Dolores a leopard themed birthday party.

HOUSE ARREST

Teresa was tired. After what she dubbed as a year in “solitary confifement” and a week of catching up on what her husband had destroyed she had longed for the opportunity to sleep for a 10-hour stretch without interruption. There were too many distractions with the girls needing her to braid or ponytail their hair, the house needing straightening, and the bills to be reviewed. For so many years she let Joe, a man with a limited use of the English language take care of their finances, a mistake she now regretted. “From now on I will be looking everything over before I sign my John Hancock,” she explained while picking from the trash the statements Joe had thrown away. “The last week has been a worldwind,” she explained.

Teresa would need to wear an ankle bracelet for the next few weeks, which made wearing pleather jeggings and miniskirts all the more difficult. In just a few short months she would be able to resume walking her daughters to the school bus or swimming in a pool.

ANSWERS

Jacqueline had come undone ever since Teresa sent her a text of acknowledgment. Her husband Chris stood by patiently as she went in circles about the reason for the destruction of their friendship. In order to get some clarification on the future of their friendship Jacqueline drove to Towaco to knock on Teresa’s door. Perhaps if she infiltrated the security system (dogs) she could get some straight answers so she didn’t have to suffer through any more restless nights? Teresa was surprised having no makeup on and mid-way through vacuuming the living room. “I didn’t expect you to see you,” said Teresa remembering she had a previously scheduled orthodontist appointment. She had planned on cleaning the kitchen and then have Joe participate in kundalini yoga. “I don’t have to do yogra,” Joe said enthusiastically as he waltzed past the kitchen table in a stretched out and stained tank top with wrestling pants. He barely recognized Jacqueline.

“Can you help me understand what you meant when you sent me that text message?” Jacqueline asked. “I get mixed signals from you. Remember last year when you wouldn’t answer my calls or would just text me with one sentence?” Teresa explained to her that throughout the legal process she was advised by the attorney who drove her home from prison that it was not in her best interest to communicate with people about their court case. In addition she felt emotionally exhausted by the possibility of leaving her daughters for one year. She wasn’t, as one would expect all that interested in talking about feelings or salami plates or where to get the best blowout.

NEW START

Thrilled with her mutual agreement with Teresa to start moving forward Jacqueline arrived at Dolores’ house with a joyfulness she had not experienced since the bouncy house party she had thrown four years ago in the backyard of the house that was about to get repossessed. Dolores was relieved because friends are family and when two of them don’t get along it makes celebrating Italian Heritage Week a lot less memorable.

Dolores, by the way, was also in a period of transition. Though she was divorced her ex-husband was her closest friend, which made dating difficult. Do you mind if we go on a blind date with the man with whom I once shared spiritual vows and children and the lady he is now living with? Her family reminded her that she didn’t necessarily need anyone because she had them. Where is there room for love when your parents, brother, and grandmother are always at your kitchen table screaming at each other?

LEOPARD PARTY

Siggy was an interior decorator (get rid of this horrible table and fill this wall with a banquet), facelift spokesperson, and a matchmaker. After she found true orgasmic love with her second husband she wrote a book and now provides weekly advice on a podcast. She had not met Teresa but was hopeful they would bond over shared responsibilities throwing a birthday party for Dolores. “Here is a monogram birthday gift bag I designed and place cards I bought from the Hallmark store, you show up and tell us stories about women developing pleasure toys in prison.” The party would be centered on Dolores’ love of leopard, which was ironically also the fabric used for the New Jersey state flag.

BOUTIQUE

In the days before the party Melissa focused on the opening of her boutique, a place where women between the size 0 and 4 could buy rompers to be worn at Atlantic City casinos. Her business partner and Cyndi Lauper lookalike would help her determine what should and should not go in the store. For example, satin pajamas that also serve as a work suit would not be included but strapless white dresses you could feasibly wear to a mom prom would. It was a stressful job that would require more of her time making it more difficult to be available to drop off and pick up her school aged kids. It wasn’t like Joe was helpful, but he had made it clear to her when he married her right out of college that having a job was selfish. Her job was to remain in the home preparing meatballs.

CELEBRATE

At Dolores’ party the women enjoyed cocktails and a fun game of let’s act out situations in Dolores’ life. Melissa explored how her husband lusted after her before they became engaged and as previously mentioned Teresa talked about the worst moments in her prison life. Rosie, her lesbian cousin she had not spoken to in well over a year found little amusement in her regaling the others with tales of what happens in prison when the lights go out. “It must have been the endorphins and saratogins,” Teresa explained of a monoamine neurotransmitter and not people who live in the city in New York with a famous racetrack.

Kathy found little amusement in no one discussing her delicious cannolis.

After they left the party Teresa drove her drunken sister-in-law home. “My drunk self is my spirit animal,” said Melissa.

NEXT WEEK:

Melissa opens up her clothing store.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Leopard, Teresa, Dolores, Siggy, Jacqueline

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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