Real Housewives of New Jersey

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Friends

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Jacqueline admitted she and Melissa and Teresa could no longer be friends, Melissa received bad news about her boutique and Teresa prepared for Joe to leave for his jail sentence.

LOW TIDE

It was low tide in New Jersey. Friendships and compelling story lines had receded much like the sea level. Long gone were the days of a woman named Danielle bragging about tending to her younger boyfriend in a restaurant bathroom or a woman with a heavy perm purchasing children’s outfits and furniture with a stack of cash. The shore was cold and barren, much like Melissa Gorga’s personality.

SAME THING

Dolores renovated her home, a welcome change from the wood panel disaster she had become accustomed to while raising her two children and a few dogs she considered humans. Jacqueline deflected years of pain caused by disloyalty by focusing instead on the birth of her grandchild. Teresa made her husband’s forthcoming stay at a federal prison her priority. Siggy internalized every argument as a reflection of her inability to carry a spin-off show highlighting her ability to mend rifts. Melissa held fort at a shop that sells one-shoulder tops and skirts for people who are starving themselves or are genetically predisposed to never gain weight.

FRIENDS NO LONGER

Sure, Melissa worried about Internet sales. Dolores wondered if more than 500 people would ever use her gym’s workout equipment. Siggy held out hope someone would option her relationship book into a television series. Teresa hoped she would get a yoga certification. It was, however, not enough to keep someone’s eyeballs open. These housewives in the state of New Jersey had become tired.

AND EVEN IF…

No one really worried if Dereck the Envy store manager sold stories about Teresa. (He was probably making below minimum wage, what’s he supposed to do?) No one really cared that Kim D’s lips were about to explode, that her fake eyelashes almost fell off mid-interviews, or that her hair extensions could easily get stuck in a soup bowl. They didn’t care if Chris Laurita sold enough popcorn bags to feed a nation. They knew Teresa and Jacqueline would never become friends again and that Melissa’s attempts to heal her family were really her way of staying on television longer.

Archival footage from Teresa’s wedding, which captured an unusually young and mustached Joe Gorga far too excited to slow dance with his sister couldn’t ignite much either. (It was weird yet not surprising that their relationship sometimes mirrored a V.C. Andrews novel).

All that was left was a goodbye to Joe Giudice, a meatball of a man who had given the franchise some of its only re-watchable moments. Without Joe and his baby twin Milania the show would be a never-ending episode of hair and pointed fingers and appetizers ordered but not consumed. It would be another season of fashion shows held at restaurants, squabbling about salami plates, and trays of cookies covered in sprinkles.

Dolores and Teresa (and the rest of us at home) prayed for better episodes.

NEXT WEEK:

Joe leaves.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recap, Friends

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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