Real Housewives of New Jersey
Milan: Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap
This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey the women traveled to Milan and an explosive argument ended in thrown wine glasses and emotional triggers.
Melissa’s closet was full of jean jackets, wedge sandals, and gold frame portraits of herself. As she packed her belongings into a suitcase she marveled that the first trip she would take to her in-law’s homeland was with several women she loathed. Margaret and her team packed a bag full of leopard print jackets and ponytail holders. She worried they might be kicked out of the country. Siggy’s husband Michael Campanella wondered why she would bother with a trip with a woman who enjoyed mental torture. Teresa left her kids with her father.
Once they landed in Milan they all split ways. Melissa and Margaret had an important meeting at a show room and dressed like extras in National Lampoon’s European Vacation for it. Siggy and Dolores shopped for leather goods. Danielle and Teresa toasted with cocktails across from a cathedral.
Melissa explained to the Milanese clothing buyer that she was looking for pleather pants and cheetah cocktail skirts for her boutique in suburban, New Jersey. She was looking for sexy and classic items, with a twinge of Bon Jovi.
After comparing the size of one another’s breasts, Teresa explained to Melissa that there are cathedrals throughout Italy. Danielle wondered why no one had addressed the fact Siggy and Dolores attended a fashion show for a horrible person the week prior. Should we ignore the way they agreed to walk down a catwalk run by a woman with a black heart and poisoned veins?
At dinner that night Teresa poured hot wax on her girlfriends and Danielle gave an instructional presentation on oral sex. Teresa notified the others her husband Joe had sent her a sweet email from jail, which ended with a salutation suggesting she was a cheater. It was because of this the women were able to confront one another about the fashion show from hell. Melissa was unhappy that Dolores and Siggy did not come to her defense. Siggy was upset Margaret referenced Hitler. She called her anti-Semitic, which seemed a stretch given her own ex-husband was Jewish and so are her stepchildren. Siggy clarified that many Jewish people hate their own.
At this point in the evening Danielle had risen from her restaurant chair. She was horrified at the suggestion Margaret was anti-Semitic. She threw a glass of pinot grigio towards Siggy who sat stone faced as she would in a self-help retreat tutorial. “You are trash,” said Siggy. Danielle retaliated by calling her a whore, the same term she had been on the receiving end six years prior. The other restaurant patrons looked in wonder. Where these people from America? Why were they so angry? What were their thoughts on Jennifer Lopez’s new relationship with Alex Rodriguez?
The following morning Teresa wondered why Siggy would call Margaret anti-semestic. “Sweetie, it’s anti-Semitic,” explained Danielle. “I get triggered when someone dismisses me,” she added. Siggy noted the mention of Hitler triggered her. No one had a solid night of sleep.
Siggy met Danielle on the hotel’s terrace while the others enjoyed a jaunt on the canal. Although Siggy apologized for dismissing Danielle, it was not enough to heel their rift. “Last night you unhinged me. I saw red and I was out of my body,” explained Danielle. Siggy noted that her rage filled emotional outbursts were the result of a systematic effort by Margaret to minimize Siggy’s worth. (“Know your worth, leave the rest to your plastic surgeon,” said the self-help expert). Why would she call someone Soggy knowing she had hormonal imbalances? Danielle was confused; she had not seen proof that Margaret was out to destroy Siggy’s life.
OIL AND VINEGAR
Dolores put it simply while devouring spaghetti; things between Margaret and Siggy were no good. They could try all they wanted, but there was a better chance for Brian Boitano to marry a woman than for Siggy and Margaret to be friends. Noted, said the others. Margaret came to the realization that if Siggy stabbed someone and held a knife covered in blood that Dolores would find reason for her innocence. There was no way they could possibly move forward. “So what you are saying is they are like oil and vinegar,” said Teresa. “No, love,” replied Melissa, “oil and vinegar go well together. Do you mean oil and water?” Teresa shrugged her shoulder pads. “Whoopsie,” she said.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Michael Campanella was exhausted by Siggy’s phone calls across the Atlantic. “Again,” he asked? “Will we still be discussing this next year? What about five years from now, well after your contract is completed?” She could not provide him with an answer. “Take your own advice,” he suggested. In other words, if you were to read your own pamphlet, what would it say?
In New Jersey the husbands met for a scotch and a cigar. They compared notes on raising daughters. No one understood why Frank was invited.
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