Real Housewives of New Jersey

Boca: Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

By  | 

This week on the season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey the women took a trip to Boca Raton, Danielle Staub made her return, and Siggy’s ego was inflated. 

TERESA

Life became more complicated for Teresa with the passing of her mother. With Joe in prison and her father still reeling from the loss of his wife, she felt increasingly alone. The girls still spoke to their father every day, much like the year she was also “away” from home. They were firmly planted in the home that was decorated with gold and marble and paid for with questionable cash. The upside was her relationship with her brother was once again strong, despite the years of estrangement due to his selfish act of marriage . When he married Melissa he sent a bold message to his older sister; I am no longer yours.

DOLORES

Dolores’ ex-husband Frank weaseled his way back into her home. He brought with him only a duffle bag filled with tank tops and two large cans of protein powder. Despite the fact she was now dating a doctor it was clear to everyone Frank had hopes for second chance. “Let’s give him a massage table off of Craig’s List,” Frankie Jr. told his sister Gabby that month. “Maybe if it’s from one of those Thai massage parlors it will give him less motivation to stay.” Gabby was indifferent, the only thing she cared about were animals. “I don’t know why it’s so confusing for everyone that Frank and I are still best friends,” said Dolores. In the weeks after the last season aired it came to her attention she needed more of a story line. “What if I open a new gym?” she asked producers. “Not enough,” they responded. “Can I exaggerate sexual tension with my meathead former husband?” “Bingo!” they replied.

SIGGY

Although last season tested Siggy’s ability to provide self-help advice, she was still convinced she was the nation’s leading expert on lady power. “You want to do it, then show up!” she would scream at the women who attended her weekly Siggy Cocktail Hours. “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle and by that I mean abundance!” The women with glassy eyes would nod and then ask her to sign the book they got for free in the gift bag. “Where’s Michael Campanella?” she’d ask and inevitably her husband would jump up from behind a fern. He had asked her over the last few weeks to cut back on her speaking opportunities. “But the people need me!” she would try to reason. “If I can touch one person in the lobby of a hair salon after hours while drinking lady squad themed cocktails, then I’ve done what God intended for me.” Without this gig she would just be an empty nester. She needed people to need her.

MELISSA

Melissa’s boutique had a temporary liquidation after her former business partner Jackie robbed her in the middle of the night. The worst part was she handed over unsold jumpsuits to Kim D, the owner of casual clothing spot. “She’s like a rat looking for cheese,” Melissa explained. She was grateful her two employees kept the lights on and restocked the shelves. “I couldn’t do this without you,” said Melissa, “and of course me.” It was a nice distraction for Melissa, this clothing boutique; otherwise she’d be forced to have sex with her husband Joe more frequently.

MARGARET

Siggy introduced the other women to Margaret, the owner of a Caboodle-style business with overly tanned skin and pigtails over lunch. She made no apologies for leaving her husband for a contractor or driving a yellow sports car. Siggy liked her because she understood her own worth, a skill none of the women at her events really grasped. It seemed totally plausible when Margaret mentioned she would also be in Boca Raton, Florida the very same week the others mutually agreed to celebrate Melissa’s birthday.

BOCA RATON

Like most Jewish adults in the tri-state area, Boca Raton, Florida was a vacation paradise. Since Siggy lived there for a decade she still maintained friendships with old pals from the kid’s preschool and the plastic surgery office. She was like a non-elected mayor and because of this she was routinely greeted with squeals and cheers when entering a restaurant or gas station. “Hi, it’s me, Siggy Flicker,” she would scream at the top of her lungs from New York Prime restaurant’s host stand. “This is so embarrassing,” said Melissa, the same woman who loved to wear cheetah prints and confessed she had just sent a naked photo of herself to her husband despite being on a family share plan.

After a few drinks Siggy confessed that she was torn having to decide between pursuing a heavier travel schedule and being home for Michael. Margaret wondered if that were controlling. “Don’t you see how it can seem that way?” she asked. “When you are with a man,” Siggy slurred, “it’s a turn on. I am with a M-A-N.” It put her position as the leader of the lady squad movement in question. “What I know is this,” Siggy noted, “I am the most talented person in the entire world.” Uh, hang on, hot cakes. Had she ever seen Debbie Gibson perform? Did she last season of America’s Got Talent?

NO ONE ATE CAKE

As the dinner came to a conclusion Siggy wheeled out a cake for Melissa, made with the same wallpaper that adorned the walls of her New Jersey boutique. Before the others could enjoy the angel cake and strawberry filling Teresa picked up the two-layer masterpiece and threw it across the restaurant patio. It was pay back for Melissa bringing up the time Teresa ratted her out at her bachelorette party, which caused the couple to nearly call off the wedding. “But what about the cake I bought you?” asked Siggy, a single tear dancing down her bronzed and tightened cheek.

RETURN OF DANIELLE

In related news Danielle Staub made a triumphant return to the show. She took the years since the table-flipping episode to reevaluate her life. She had spent countless hours in yoga classes and had become engaged to no less than three men. “This one is forever,” she’d whispered to Melissa, Siggy, and Teresa at her housewarming party. “I am sure it is,” said Teresa reflecting on the time she had sex in her Jersey beach house while her daughters slept in an adjoining bedroom. There were no guarantees that she was less crazy, but she did show Teresa great comfort after the death of her mother. “I am sure your ma and my ma are hanging out in heaven,” Danielle cheerfully said in a hot tub. “Oh, yeah,” said Teresa, “what was her name again?” Danielle took a deep sigh. “It was Ruth,” she answered, barely masking frustration for having told Teresa the name at least 10 times already.

NEXT WEEK:

Teresa and Joe open a restaurant behind Melissa’s back.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Boca raton, Siggy, Danielle, Melissa, Teresa

SaveSave

SaveSave

Join the newsletter

Subscribe to get our latest content by email.

Powered by ConvertKit
mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *