Real Housewives of Dallas

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Sanctuary

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On this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Dallas Tiffany features Cary’s closet for her web series Sanctuary of Style, Brandi’s husband gets upset when when she goes to a male strip club, and Leanne invites Stephanie and Cary out to lunch to complain about their behavior at a tea party.

BRANDI AND BRYAN

Brandi and Bryan had not seen each other much. He was busy working hard to build a business fortune while she was back at headquarters taking care of the children and the dogs she pushed around in a stroller. In the old days, before she had given birth to their children, they had more time for each other. But she had to let him follow his dream, even if it meant spending hours playing with a plastic tea set and pretending she knew all the worlds to the soundtrack from Frozen. She wiped a tear from her eye, which was layered in glitter eye shadow. Come back my Prince, come back. Then they could hold each other as they wore matching Dallas Cowboys football jerseys as they did in the picture that rests on their family room fireplace.

LEEANNE AND RICH

Leeanne met Rich online. She had initial concerns because his profile picture featured a man with white-feathered hair. She couldn’t be with someone so old. She just wanted to model and then party all night. He was a police officer and had already taken a few laps around the marital track. Now she wakes up the morning, removes the crust from the corners of her eyes, rolls over and thanks the good Lord for bringing him to her. “I know on paper it sounds like he will probably never want to get married again,” she would whisper to the ceiling, “but I love this man and I am so happy he has stayed because you and I both know I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” The other added bonus is her relationship with his daughter from his second marriage, a 17 year old who she gifts with shoes.

LA BARE

Brandi and Stephanie met for bottle service on a restaurant patio. Since Bryan was out of town Brandi figured her time would be better served guzzling champagne than watching an animated movie in sweatpants. Four glasses in they called Cary to join them. “You want to party with these cowgirls?” It took only a sip for them to convince her to blow that taco stand for a night at one of their favorite establishments: a male strip bar. La Bare was like a home away from home. “Hey Brandi. How’s it going Steph? You guys want your usual table?” They knew all the dancers by name. “What’s up, Thunderbolt?” asked Brandi. “How’d you like that macaroni and cheese recipe I gave you? Is Meatball Sling here? I need to get my cooler back. We’re tailgating next week.” Cary gripped the side rail. She had seen a lot of things – areolas ripped open, saline implant explosions, and a lady with three nipples just last week – but this was something else. Sweaty men with freshly waxed skin and steroid faces gyrating on pullout chairs while sexually repressed women screamed and waved dollar bills in the background. Then to top the night off Brandi who had inhaled several glasses of vodka tonics rose from her chair and joined the other dancers on stage. “You guys want to give these ladies a show?” she asked them. You bet your sweet balls we do, they answered. She grabbed a dancer named Justice and jumped into his chest spreading her legs around his waist that had been covered in tribal tattoos. She threw her head back and whipped her hair in circles. For that moment she felt like she was back at Cowboy stadium in front of millions of screaming drunken fans. “TOUCHDOWN. TOUCHDOWN!” The manager offered a job.

FALLOUT

The next morning Brandi struggled to walk without wanting to projectile vomit. It had been a long night lying on the bathroom floor beside a toilet. Although she loved talking about shit, it didn’t mean she wanted to sleep next to a shitter. To make matters worse she had confessed to Bryan she had spent the night at La Bare with camera crews filming all the moments she dry humped a theater major hoping to parlay his dance career into a producer credit on the third installment of Magic Mike. He worried it would impact his business even though viewers still had absolute no idea what he does for a living. Luckily she had Stephanie, the kind of friend who would make an excellent sister wife in a polygamous cult. She would marry her if it were not for the fact she loved being physically active with a dude. “We could live in a Barbie princess house with monogram toilets and Katy Perry songs playing on repeat from wall speakers.” They gathered up the kids at took them outside so they could take a joy ride through the gated community. “It’s safe,” Stephanie explained without realizing one of the kids didn’t return in the mini Jeep.

TIFFANY AND LEEANNE

The thing Tiffany loved most about her old pal Leeanne was the way she drank during the afternoon. Want to come over for sandwiches? “No, thanks, Tiffany would say. “I don’t eat carbohydrates, but I’d love a bowl of chardonnay.” Leeanne was still upset about Mad Hatter. This was a constant problem Leeann faced. “She just doesn’t get jokes,” explained Tiffany.

Leeanne wanted to meet with Stephanie and Cary to explain to them the consequences of playing with plastic feces at a charity event attended by elderly women. “You are the company you keep. That’s a part of society. In Dallas people judge you. If you don’t have the right boots or wear enough makeup they look down at you.” Tiffany tried to make sense of it. “No one in the rest of the world would care about this, because it is really stupid, but they do in Dallas.” Leeanne worried about Brandi’s daughters. They were being raised in a home with loving parents in a beautiful home in Plano. “How are they going to turn out?”

TIFFANY AND HER HUSBAND

Tiffany’s husband K-Aaron played a harmonica attached to a retainer, which connected to a foot symbol on the floor as he played guitar. He was a one band now that he was living in Dallas. Instead of a studio he had to play in the garage. Now he had to worry about finding gigs and not dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. Tiffany had a plan. “How about I throw a charity event and you get to be the entertainment? We can choose something to raise money for, let’s say children without braids. You play cover songs and we will help children of the world without access to hair extensions.” Leeanne can get some signs and streamers and Brandi and Stephanie can bring the alcohol. He was on board.

SANCTUARY OF STYLE

In the meantime Tiffany would continue her Sanctuary of Style  vlog, a web series devoted to style mentoring the lives of women with horrible taste in fashion and makeup. Her latest interview would be with Cary and her style mentor, her husband Mark. “Do you mind being on a webisode?” she asked Mark. “Yes, I love clothes,” he replied.

Tiffany: “Thanks for letting me look in your sanctuary closet Cary. Can you tell me a little about your favorite pieces?”

Cary; “Well, I have to say my favorite……”

Mark: “My favorite pieces are her Celine bags, the Brunello Cucinelli scarves, and the Roland Mouret gowns. She wore this dress in San Diego and it literally SHUT THE room down. People lost their minds.”

Tiffany: “Oh, okay, interesting. Can you tell me about this dress Cary?”

Cary: “I like this dress because it is…..”

Mark: “It’s got fantastic lines and the texture is really out of this world. Can you see this stitching? I just really love a good fabric. This is really what I would call a WOW piece. This is perfect for a night in Palm Springs or in St. Tropez. I love good prints and this is just a rich print.”

Cary explained it like this. He was a plastic surgeon who spent most of his day adding and repairing breasts, but his true passions were her vagina and women’s apparel.

They sat around the kitchen island and discussed Tiffany’s non-existent turkey neck. These were the kind of people K-Aaron wanted Tiffany to spend time with as opposed to Leeanne. How many times can you have the same conversation about charity events?

LUNCH

Cary and Stephanie hadn’t looked forward to this meeting with Leeanne. They had more important things to do, like assist in a reduction surgery and pick a child up from preschool. But Leeanne needed them to understand what had transpired at an event she attended in the charity world wouldn’t fly.

Leeanne: “I’m glad you could meet with me, I need you to know that how you act in public impacts how much money you raise privately. I need you to respect me because I have received charity wings. Here is what was written in the media about your friend Brandi with the shit hat.”

Cary: “It was in good fun. At the end of the day I am sure the charity was happy they got our money.”

Leeanne: “You don’t get it. A lot of women spent years trying to put this event together. You made us look like idiots.”

Cary: “I could have worn a worse hat.”

Leeanne: “This is not how women in society act at charity events.”

Cary: “You were raised in a carnival.”

Leeanne: “This is what you need to now, I am fun as heck.”

Cary: “I’ve never heard that.”

Leeanne: “I will not back down. Bow at me. See how it goes.”

Stephanie: “I will still be friends with someone who loves to wear poop in her hair.”

Leeanne: “I gotta go. Can someone else pay the bill?”

Then Leeanne drove away in her 1988 Chevy Sedan.

Cary didn’t care. She was finished eating her tuna salad and needed to get back to the office. Stephanie was still hiding underneath a napkin.

Additional Note:

Brandi’s mom may have sold her a different story regarding her father’s abandonment. Turns out he wasn’t that pissed his daughter had kids at age 15, her mother took her grandmother’s side in a divorce. Whoopsie. Sorry about that kids, your grandpa isn’t a total jerk. Is it okay if he comes for Thanksgiving? Brandi was fine with it, but Bryan had some concerns. I thought you said this guy was awful? Why does he suddenly want a relationship with you now that you are going to be on a TV show? Most importantly, will this be any worse for my career than the episode that will air featuring you dancing on stage at a male strip club?

Next Week:

Leeanne throws a drink at the table when Brandi suggests she seek help for her narcissism.

Real Housewives of Dallas, Tiffany, Leeanne, Cary, Brandi

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