Real Housewives of Dallas

Yacht Fights: Real Housewives of Dallas Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Dallas the women endured a yacht experience from hell. Kameron worried Brandi and Stephanie have no boundaries and LeeAnne compared herself to a heavyweight boxer. 

PLASTIC SURGERY FIGHTS

Cary had privately told Brandi in the moments before her skin was sliced that the doctor she had hired was a known murderer. This was the crux of the evening. How can everyone move forward with tequila shots if Cary was the kind of friend who used her medical license to bully someone into using the offices of Dr. Mark Deuber for all their plastic surgery services? Well, you can’t. “Aren’t we all forgetting LeeAnne said she was going to strangle me?” asked Cary. She left with Kameron back to the hotel rooms so they could fall asleep with facemasks. The others, including D’Andra, danced on the restaurant bar as if they were extras in the film Cowboy Ugly.

TEAM BUILDING

The next morning D’Andra had her assistant organize a team building exercise typically used at a company offsite. As they competed in the sand Olympic games they marveled at the way Kameron, a woman of statuesque proportion was able to slither her impossibly long body underneath netting. “I did one of those DNA tests and it said I had a professional athlete chromosome,” she explained. LeeAnne won the volleyball portion despite having recently upgraded her breasts.

Afterwards they sat and enjoyed lunch and it gave Stephanie the opportunity to be honest about the struggle she faced the previous year with her son’s school. “I need to go wash the sand out of my vagina,” said Cary. Brandi was awestruck that Kameron seemed to have no problem with Cary discussing her anatomy. “It’s okay,” slurred Kameron, “because she’s discussing a condition which requires immediate attention, and it just so happens to do with her lady pocket.”

HOTEL BREAK-IN

Since Stephanie and Brandi always enjoyed the theater they concocted outfits so that they would be able to imitate LeeAnne and D’Andra while trying to obtain an extra key to LeeAnne’s hotel room. “Obviously you know me,” Brandi (LeeAnne) told the actor playing a hotel receptionist. He was confused why she was wearing a sequin romper with death defying wedge heels and had oversized lips. He gave them a key despite he fact they did not show photo identification. (Way to go, hotel security). Once entering the hotel room Brandi looked for the toy she had waved in Kameron’s face the day before. Stephanie sat on the unmade bed and ate the untouched pancakes.

YACHT FIGHTS

Later that day on a yacht D’Andra rented they all took the opportunity to air their grievances. There were plenty of yacht fights.

  • Kameron asked Brandi and Stephanie why they laughed about LeeAnne’s doctor. “I mean, it’s funny,” said Stephanie. Why would a doctor ask his patient to tape up their own boobs?
  • D’Andra didn’t understand why Cary would discuss the size of Rich’s penis. “As far as I am concerned, there are no issues,” explained LeeAnne.
  • Brandi didn’t want to be in the middle, even though she was in the middle.
  • LeeAnne copped to saying Mark was a “chuck shop” and that he had usual tune-ups at The Round Up. “I mean, really?” asked Cary. “I will own that, but it has been said to me,” said LeeAnne. She also qualified it with pointing out her work with the LGBT community.

Despite the confrontations they all sipped orange cocktails on the deck despite shitty water conditions. Two hours later Cary and Stephanie began to barf off the side of the yacht. Brandi swallowed tequila shots as she watched her friends vomit soaked hair strands wave in the wind. LeeAnne emerged from the lower part of the boat to ask them all to refrain from making jokes. “I can own my mistakes, can’t we just move forward? Am I going to cry right now? No.” Then she compared herself to Muhammad Ali. She also refused to display her new breasts.

SUCK IT

LeeAnne was surprised and slightly disappointed to see Brandi recovered the item she had purchased at the Pleasure Palace. Once she began waving it in circles and tickling Kameron’s feet the latter left the yacht. “She’s so trashy,” Kameron told D’Andra. “They never stop. They NEVER stop. They push my buttons. There are no boundaries. I don’t care if they are not my friends. They don’t even have social conversations. That behavior is not appropriate. You know what? She can suck it.” Cary was confused. What is she supposed to suck?

NEXT WEEK:

A white party ends with a broken glass and at least one broken heart.

Real Housewives of Dallas, Recap, Yacht Fights, LeeAnne, Stephanie, Cary, Brandi, Kameron

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