Real Housewives of Dallas

Sorry, Stephanie: Real Housewives of Dallas Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Dallas Stephanie and Travis looked over their new home, D’Andra tried to reason with her mother and Leeanne, and Brandi neglected to invite Kameron a girl’s trip. 

MONEY PIT

It was no secret Stephanie and Travis bought a death trap. No one in his or her right mind would enjoy a black tiled lap pool in the middle of their living room foyer. As Stephanie wisely pointed out, no one would come over for a play date because the house would smell like a chlorine pit and the maid was not a licensed lifeguard. This did not matter to Travis who blurted out that her opinion about their living accommodations was not important given the way he made money. The interior designer sat by them silently as Travis made structural suggestions that would make their home look like a Vegas penthouse, and not the family home Stephanie had always envisioned close to their son’s school. There is no budget, they pointed out. So in other words, lady designer, buy all the crap above cost and then pocket the remaining cash for you.

BABY FEVER

Brandi suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage last year and worried it was the result of a mommy makeover surgery. Her doctor assured her that the two incidents were unrelated. She and Bryan were hopeful they could have another child, a welcome change from last season, which was filled with tension and dirty looks. A new baby for a new chapter.

HELP, D’ANDRA

D’Andra bitch slapped her friend Leeanne for her unreasonable Halloween costume choice in lights of weeks of rage therapy. Isn’t it reverse progress when you succumb to petty arguments at a cocktail party? Does it make you a sane person if you throw a wine glass across the room and then post a self-help inspired quote on Instagram? “You stoop to their level when you behave that way,” D’Andra tried to reason. “Exactly,” replied Leeanne, which was the reason she was spending so much time in the therapist’s office. “She’s a social climber,” said Leeanne of Stephanie, due to her moving into one of Dallas’ most expensive streets and awarding Kameron the best costume award at a bad romance themed Halloween party. “She wants Kameron level money,” she said of a woman who dressed up as a Princess at an adult Halloween party.

MOTIVATIONAL NIGHTMARE

Days later Leeanne delivered a speech at an HIV charity. After the luncheon the women (minus Stephanie) gathered to discuss a woman named Heidi’s ankle boots. They had reminded Kameron of the photo shoot she had done with her own dog where she befitted a baby sized animal with Roberto Cavalli shoes. It reminded Brandi how much she disliked people like Kameron, who enjoyed long discussions about accessories. Speaking of dogs, said Brandi, Leeanne should have worn a hot dog costume to the party and made her dog dress as a can of beans. Kameron pouted her lips and spoke slow with her eyelids barely open. “Wow, how do you come up with these things?” she asked.

SOCIAL CLIMB, STEPHANIE

The point of this after reception discussion was for them to collectively discuss why Stephanie had purchased a home in a neighborhood that happened to include Heidi. Was this part of a stalking mission or because of a ripe real estate market? The next day Brandi got a tour of the house Stephanie purchased without her previous knowledge. “They think you are social climbing,” Brandi explained of the charity luncheon chatter. Stephanie was incensed, which was why she was filled with joy when Brandi crank called Heidi. “Heidi, is that you?” she asked with the voice of a 90 year old smoker holding a machete. Surprisingly Heidi hung up the phone. Things were back on track for old Stephanie and Brandi. They were having first date drinks and before long riding go-carts around the driveway like the old days.

GIVE ME THE REIGNS

D’Andra tried desperately to urge her mother Dee to move into this century. “Look at your TV,” she said of a unit that had likely not been used for anything other than watching old episodes of Oprah on VHS tape. “I can’t get anyone to listen to me,” she tried to reason. Dee said it was basically her own fault for not putting the fear of God into an employee. “You should do the same,” she suggested. It was easy for her to say, observed D’Andra, because you pay the checks, so everyone urinates slightly in their cotton briefs when you walk through a door. After a verbal whipping about her inability to balance a checkbook Dee allowed one tear to drop from her Mary Kay makeup eye. She only disallowed D’Andra from making decision because she didn’t want her to fail, because ultimately it was a reflection of her.

INVITE ONLY

At Cary’s daughter’s pony party she aimed for an event that would not culminate with Mark’s criticism. Last year she screwed up the cake. She couldn’t afford a mishap. The only dark point of the festivities was when Brandi presented Cary and Stephanie with pink bags filled with a bottle of whiskey. “Sorry I don’t have one for you,” Brandi said to Kameron. “Was this your way of being a mean girl?” she asked. “Uh, pretty much,” replied Brandi. Why would I get you a gift when I despise you and I just met you a couple weeks ago? I’m inviting these broads to visit my grandpa in Memphis. You want to pack up her pink luggage and slum it with real folks who don’t protect their Birkin bags with a rain jacket? Kameron ran to her husband and their nanny to complain, but it was clear they were more occupied with concern one of the ponies might shit on their kid’s patent leather shoes.

NEXT WEEK:

The trip to Memphis.

Stephanie, Real Housewives of Dallas, Recap, Kameron

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