Real Housewives of Dallas

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Pity Party

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In the season finale of Real House of Dallas Stephanie hosted an all-day drinking party to celebrate a golf tournament, Tiffany looked at a new home, Leeanne explored becoming a speaker, and Cary and Leeanne clashed at Stephanie’s party.

GOLF PARTY

Stephanie had been brave. Unlike her other Real Housewives counterparts she was willing to wash her face on camera, revealing what it would look like without layers of foundation and sparkle eye shadow. She still had that fresh look of someone who had not destroyed their face to appear younger on television. She also wore regular pajamas, rather than a negligee and matching feather slippers. She and her husband Travis jumped into bed and began going over a list of items to be completed before their annual party to celebrate a golf tournament in their backyard. They would need plenty of alcohol, chicken wings, and caution tape to dissuade drunken guests from entering rooms without permission. He needed to make sure she power washed the patio and removed the dog feces from the lawn. She asked him again to not treat her like a student at a school for women unable to make decisions without the aid of their husbands. They shook hands.

WEIGHT OF IT ALL

Leeanne tried to lift weights at the gym. She hadn’t enjoyed working out like Tiffany who could bench press a couch. They discussed Tiffany’s interest in a house that had just come up on the market. Now that K-Aaron had performed at House of Blues he was moving up the list of entertainers available for corporate events, bar mitzvahs, and commercial jingles. He just needed a house that could accommodate a studio and a salon where he could flat iron his hair. “Remember that time that guy at the club asked me for a bump and I thought he meant gyrate up against him?” Leanne asked Tiffany. “That was why we were in such good shape, we danced at night clubs where everyone did cocaine.” Tiffany remembered those times fondly, back before she left for Los Angeles where she lived life like a never-ending episode of Miami Vice.

GET AWAY 

“We are almost out of Grey Goose vodka, you must have had the gays over,” Mark declared as he pan seared chicken and sautéed Brussels sprouts. They talked about summering in Zurich, which is code for we need you to know we have money. Their daughter Zuri, who one could only believe was named after the city in which they like to vacation, left them to watch the movie Frozen. Cary was not looking forward to Stephanie’s upcoming party; especially knowing Leeanne would be there. She was still reeling from the way she attacked Marie the night they all spent in Austin. On top of that she understood Leeanne had informed others Cary had destroyed Mark’s previous marriage so she could become his bride, which was untrue.

WELCOME HOME

Bryan had finally become at ease around the cameras, which was a day too late and a dollar too short. Weeks ago he went into hibernation when Brandi really needed him, now he was happy to pick up rabbit shit and escort the kids to bowling.

FOR SALE

Although Tiffany’s realtor had done a fine job showing the property it was obvious the home would not work. It was too large and although it had a gravel backyard for a childless couple the construction behind it was a buzz kill. How can you enjoy a late afternoon martini when you are afraid a steel beam might fall on top of you? “It’s a really hot neighborhood,” said Cortney hoping to land the sale before the sales quarter was over. “Better get it now. I’ve got another couple ready to move in. No pressure.” Tiffany and K-Aaron stood outside the mailbox and discussed whether or not they would make an offer. “I have been thinking about it,” K-Aaron said, “maybe its time for me to make Dallas my new home.” Well, thanks, bro. No time like the present! Glad you want to establish residency because I’d like to move out of our condo.

FRIENDS

Brandi and Stephanie tried to make sense of the dysfunctional relationship between Marie, Tiffany, and Leeanne. It was Brandi’s understanding they all had information on one another, which they liked to dangle in each other’s faces. You want to throw me down a set of stairs? Let me remind everyone what you did in 2002 at that club off the freeway. Brandi and Stephanie, however, were grateful to have each other. Who else would be willing to come pick up dog turds in a lawn?

FART GLITTER

Leeanne met with the owner of a speaker’s bureau to discuss the possibility of working the circuit. “Tell us your story,” the public relations agent asked. “My story is painful, but look at me now!” she exclaimed. She pushed a leaflet of affirmations she developed towards him. He looked over the pages of her photo with weight loss sayings over them. It’s a new year and a new YOU. Get up and Love LIFE. Little did he know a week before she screamed she would kill her friend because she had shared with a young man that she had once crapped into a plastic bag. “My goal in life is to inspire and motivate,” she said as a woman with blonde hair tiled her head in confusion. “I would also like to write my memoirs.” The publicist asked if there was a title for this book that would probably never be completed. “The book would be called to designed to shine,” she said as another staffer turned to her boss with a puzzled look. “Wow,” said the publicist withholding his laughter for the moment she left the office. “It sounds like you are still going through the healing process,” the blonde woman said, which was code for come back once you’ve got a handle on the disaster that is your life. It wasn’t until she told the staff she would fart glitter did they come alive. “We will email you some dates to discuss the possibilities of possibilities. It might take awhile to get things moving, and by that I mean it might never happen,” he said. “I would love that,” said Leeanne.

PARTY

On the day of the party tension grew thick around the chaffing dish filled with macaroni. Tiffany declined the carbohydrates and walked towards her leader. They had all believed Leeanne was controlling Tiffany and Marie. If she wasn’t complaining about her awful childhood she was backing someone into the corner with her finger and her aggressive makeup. Cary dressed in a one-armed blouse was hoping Leeanne would speak to her in wake of news she had been going around town calling her a home wrecker, but she failed. It is hard to have a conversation with someone who swings from tears to shouts. “I get that you don’t like me and I am fine with that,” said Leanne as she stood up and walked towards the macaroni.

The others met beside the dining room table and did a round of shots.

The season had come to an abrupt and meaningless end.

UPDATES:

Tiffany and Aaron lost the house to a higher bidder. K-Aaron decided to write a song called Not Enough For Escrow for his second album entitled I Am Not Keith Urban.

Cary and Mark spent the summer in Switzerland. They returned to the breast factory where they continue to make sexual comments to one another during surgeries.

Travis is no longer giving Stephanie lists, but he does expect her to jump out of cakes on a regular basis.

Leeanne’s rock bottom was Austin, a moment she would have denied if it were not for Cary’s iPhone footage. She has since taken courses at a rage counseling center where most of the sessions are spent discussing why Rich has still not proposed to her.

Brandi and Bryan renewed their wedding vows. They had matching spray tans and wore pink.

Real Housewives of Dallas , Cary, Season Finale

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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