Real Housewives of Orange County

Real Housewives of Orange County: Vow Renewal

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This week on Real Housewives of Orange County Heather and Tamra discussed Kelly’s volatile reactions, Meghan offered Kelly advice, and David surprised Shannon with a vow renewal ceremony for her birthday.

EMBRYO TRANSFER

On the day of Meghan’s embryo transfer Jim was unsurprisingly out of town. After agreeing via phone to implant a boy and a girl she went home to rest comfortably on Valium. (No intercourse for 12 days, the doctor warned her, which wasn’t a problem since they lived in different states). Kelly swung by to bring her a gift and to discuss her behavior at the previous evening’s dinner while drinking liters of Gatorade.

PROVOKED

“I have to be candid, Kelly, you were a real embarrassment,” Meghan said while librarian glasses sat comfortably on her face. While Kelly agreed she should not have used such profanity in a sushi restaurant she did it because she felt provoked. She insisted Meghan would understand this once she became a mother forgetting she had just had two embryos placed inside her uterus.

SOMETHING IS OFF

Heather and Tamra had a different take on the evening. After Heather had collected herself from the wailing to Terry about being subjected to such vulgarity she wondered if there was something wrong with Kelly. “Something is off,” said Tamra. “I don’t mean this to be condescending,” Heather said, “but a few seasons ago in this situation you would have reacted differently.” “I would have crawled across the table and slit her throat,” replied Tamra. It was the Lord, two hour a day workouts, and eating prodigious amounts of hard-boiled eggs that had gotten her to this point.

BIRTHDAY

Shannon was hopeful this year’s birthday would be different than last when she was forced to eat a cheeseburger at a sports bar while a Lakers game played. David had made a promise to himself (and to her) that if he were to plan another birthday extravaganza he would enlist Heather. “Hi, Heather, it’s me David Beador,” he said in an unexpected phone call. “You may remember me from last season’s show finale when I tried to physically restrain my wife from pushing Vicki’s sister-in-law in the pool. I’d like your help in planning Shannon’s birthday surprise.”

PACK IT UP

David called Shannon from the car in the driveway to inform her that she would need to pack a suitcase for an overnight. She panicked and began listing for him all the things she would need including distilled water, hormones, vitamins, crystal bags, and her at-home colonic. In the car she pleaded for some answers. Where are we going? Who will be there? Will it be close enough to a chiropractor or energy consultant? Will the water be filtered?

Surprises were hard to pull off on Shannon because she was like an unpaid FBI agent. She knew before David proposed because the jeweler left him a voicemail. She regularly went through his pant pockets and glove compartment. How could he pull off a destination dinner and as Heather suspected (because she helped plan it) the vow renewal?

VOW RENEWAL

As they pulled up to the Inn at Rancho Santa Fe she was immediately reminded of their wedding day in 2000, before she gave birth to three children and they made their personal lives public on a reality television program. “Do you want to knock out a quick one?” David asked her from the closet of their suite. They dressed for dinner and took a long walk to the restaurant with a camera crew in tow. She was elated to see close friends (with the exception of Nina and Jaci from the 70s party) standing before her. It was still unclear if she was genuinely surprised or pretending to be to ensure viewers could continue on their reclaimed love journey.

After drinks guests including the cast from Flipping Out were ushered to their seats in the Inn’s wedding ceremony garden. The Beador daughters in suspiciously complimentary bridesmaid dresses to their mother stood before their pastor. “We are going to renew our vows,” David whispered to her. She was grateful to him despite archival footage and Bravo statistics that proved vow renewals typically result in a divorce within 12 months. It was like a hail Mary pass when you know the ship is already sinking.

Their pastor was the first person she called when she found out David was having an affair. “If you know Shannon you know she does investigative work,” he began. “So it’s a shock she had absolutely no idea this day was coming.” The wedding planner turned to the girl at the host stand and mouthed the words exactly. The held each other and wept quietly as they promised to be together another 50 years.

SPICY

Since Vicki and Kelly were uninvited they enjoyed a girl’s night out at Fig and Olive. “They’re jealous of us because they want to be us,” Kelly chanted. Kelly looked to Vicki as a spiritual mentor, a Buddha in the body of a newly slimmed insurance executive in Orange County. She and Michael, she explained, fought often. Their marriage was like being on a tier 2 roller coaster at an amusement park that is only open in the summer. Vicki warned her that being single is awful. Make it work, she pleaded before spitting out her spicy martini.

HONEYMOON

The Beador night of romance ended with dinner and David letting Shannon know they would spend 4 days of pleasure in Cabo San Lucas. Great, thought Shannon, I’ve already got enough stuff packed.

NEXT WEEK:

A trip to Palm Springs and Heather confronts Kelly.

Real Housewives of Orange County, Vow Renewal, Shannon, David, Kelly. Vicki

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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