Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

It’s Weird: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Teddi’s beach house weekend culminated with Dorit revealing what was said after her weird end of the night departure. The women flew to New York for Fashion Week, Lisa Rinna’s daughter got settled into the city, and Dorit called Lisa Vanderpump an insecure and needy friend. 

IT IS WEIRD

The sun rose the next morning in Dana Point, long after Kyle had returned her breasts to her under wire bra and the makeshift stripper pole has been folded up and placed back in the garage. They enjoyed one another’s company long after the camera crew and individual styling and makeup teams went back to their accommodations. Erika, who had made a point earlier that afternoon to choose the largest bedroom suddenly reversed course booking a room at the closest five-star hotel alongside her assistant. “I don’t know what’s more weird,” said Teddi, “that she ended up leaving late into the night or that she needed her assistant to be within driving range.” They all agreed. Camille nodded her head letting her long extensions get tangled in the picnic bench splinters. “I hear that,” chimed in Kyle. “Absolutely, one hundred percent,” said Dorit. Lisa Vanderpump stuck her pointer finger into the air.

When Erika returned the next morning she looked disheveled. It was clear she had to sleep on a bed that was not fitted with high thread count sheets. She was wearing elastic waistband pants with what appeared to be industrial strength spanx. As the others endured a high intensity squat workout on the back patio Dorit, a woman who never liked to sweat, informed Erika that the others perceived her last minute sleeping arrangements impolite. “I didn’t want to tell you what they said, but it was this and if you should know Kyle was their leader.” It was, everyone agreed, weird.

TATTLE TALE

“Are you a tattle tale?” Camille asked Dorit before Erika confronted the women. “Oh, no, you mustn’t confuse my intentions,” said Dorit. “Why would you say it was me?” asked Kyle. “Well, it was also Teddi,” said Dorit. Teddi lifted a hand weight and jazzercised her way to the others. “Don’t get me into this, it was all of us. It was, you know, weird.” Erika pulled the Rapunzel bangs from her face. “I didn’t want to bleed all over your white sheets, okay?” said Erika. She would have stayed, but thought blood clots would be impossible to remove from the spare bedroom sheets. Teddi tried to grasp her arm as if to assure her they had all been there before. Who hasn’t bled through their shorts? They had all given birth to a baby, so they had experienced the non-joy that comes when tissue continues to fall out of your vagina weeks after delivery. Teddi cried. Erika cried. Camille reminded Dorit she called her a cunt.

FEAR OF ENTERTAINING

As Lisa Vanderpump explained it, this was most emotional for Teddi who suffered from a fear of entertaining. She had somehow skipped over the part in her contract, which outlined how each cast members is required to throw a lavish party or “host” an overnight stay.

SETTLING IN

Lisa Rinna’s older model daughter moved to New York and enthusiastically described how she once tried to unclog her toilet with a bowl cleaner. Her mother had to scrounge quarters so she could see a matinee, but Delilah can rent her own luxury apartment and decorate it with fiberglass pill sculptures.

NEW YORK FASHION WEEK

The women were bound for New York Fashion Week and tasked their styling staffs to pull together looks for the excursion. Dorit asked PK to stay behind to watch their two children, who were also being cared for by both sets of grandparents and several nannies. He, of course, had to focus on securing deals for Dorit’s forthcoming fashion presentation. Kyle helped Teddi, presumably the cheapest woman in Beverly Hills; purchase overpriced slacks and tank tops.

In New York Erika checked into a poorly decorated hotel suite to prepare for a meeting with her book publisher. “Simon & Shuster is a big deal,” said Tom that week as he sat at the kitchen desk. “Do you want to read a chapter?” she asked. He winced before saying that it was fine. There were several things he considered a priority before reading her book, like finding a cure for hunger or alphabetizing the spice drawer.

Kyle visited her New York store for the first time in a year to make sure nothing had burned down. “I thought you quit,” she said to the acting store manager. She turned her attention to her godson, a young designer she planned on showcasing. Lisa Vanderpump quietly worried she would need to buy a blouse before she left.

DINNER DISASTER

Later that day Dorit regaled a table full of housewives (minus Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump) about the time Vanderpump walked out of a restaurant because she wasn’t getting enough attention. “Sounds about right,” whispered Lisa Rinna. Dorit noted Lisa Vanderpump was a needy and insecure friend, details Rinna knew would infuriate Vanderpump. “Is she aware you are saying this?” asked Rinna envisioning a sword wielding Vanderpump busting through the doors of SUR restaurant.

NEXT WEEK:

The downfall of Dorit.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Recap, Weird, Erika, Dorit, Teddi

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