The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Smack Down
This is what happened last night on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
If you live in Beverly Hills and you have a vagina chances are pretty high you’ve got a collection of friends you refer to as “your gays.” It’s an essential part of an entourage. You’ve got your friend who wears a size 6 who makes you feel skinny, your maid from a third world country, a hair dresser, makeup and nail artist, masseuse, astrologist, and your two gay friends who are willing to offer you fashion advice and background information on moisturizers and pure breed dogs. Naturally Kyle wanted to throw a party to celebrate their positive role in her life by throwing them a game night party. Let us heterosexual women find you a potential partner by getting you together in a room, serving apple flavored drinks, and making you play a fun game of guess what celebrity I am based off the piece of paper stuck on your back!
Kim had finally recovered from her situation. (Remember she seemed a little, how do I say this lightly, off her rocker at Eileen’s poker night party). She explained to sister Kyle in her bedroom a week later what had transpired. She had spent a lengthy stay at a “hospital” where she was treated for stuff that happened because she was in pain. “Kyle, I just let out a scream and Monty (her ex-husband who lives with her) called the doctor…he said that’s it, get in the car,” she explained. “I don’t remember anything because I took a pain pill,” she continued. “I told Monty, ‘I just don’t know if I should go (to a card game party in Malibu even though she was physically unable to move). He said, ‘I’ll tell you what, take one of my pain pills, it’ll make you feel better’…so I took one.” And what was the pain caused by? She had a “hernia” and a “cracked and fractured rib,” which required steroids, two kinds of antibiotics, a body brace, and a bucket of ice. But there was no explanation for how she could have cracked a rib. Did she fall from a ladder while hanging Chinese lanterns in her hallway? Was she power walking? Did she attend a Zumba class? Did she fall off a mechanical horse at a kid’s toy store? Kyle was just happy she was feeling better, but she needed to know that Brandi coming between them was not acceptable. After all we have been through, Kim? You are going to let Eddie Cibrian’s last wife put a wedge between us?
Yolanda packed for another trip abroad. On this occasion she would be visiting the designer Roberto Cavalli. Just Yolanda and her husband David Foster and probably several former contestants on the Malaysian version of American Idol. She was sad to leave her son who would be left in the care of her maid Blanca and her former husband Mohammed. But Blanca knew the drill. He would eat a wholesome breakfast of strawberries and 40 vitamins, go to school, and then spend the afternoon with a tutor or at the beach with his bros. She would return quickly.
Lisa Vanderpump was emotionally struggling with her son Max’s sudden interest in ancestry.com. He wanted to know his birth parent’s heritage, which she was willing to share but in her own time. In the mean time he would need to work hard running plates at her restaurant so he could afford gas money for his older girlfriend’s car.
Kim and Brandi caught up post-hospital visit. Brandi explained to Kim that because she was so concerned about her mental state at the poker party she kept her close. She wanted to protect her from her awful sister. “I feel like we’ve been through more this summer.” She would explain that every time she called Kyle that summer to inform her that Kim was visiting crazy town Kyle’s response was always that there was nothing she could do and that was just the way Kim is. Kyle had spent 40 years dealing with her nutty sister who sometimes talks to walls, forgets where she lives, and can’t seem to explain why she had been hospitalized. Brandi had dealt with it for a couple weeks and was her savior? So Kim came up with a brilliant way to fix the situation. “She hates you and you hate her. How about you come to her gay friend celebration soiree?!?! She will be so touched when you show up uninvited!”
So the next night Brandi, Kim, and Brandi’s swollen-faced houseguest arrived at the party to the dismay of Kyle. For shit’s sake, this was awkward. You throw a party in the back room of a restaurant for men and the woman trying to rip apart your sisterhood waltzes in with her wooden platforms and backless dress as if nothing has happened. Kyle tried to air kiss but she couldn’t shake off her resentment. I’ve sat threw a 40 year shit storm. You think you know our family history? You need to leave my party. (But not your hairstylist friend if he’s single and has a flat iron. I need someone to fix my hair).
Kim, by the way, was busy explaining to Lisa Rinna that she was hospitalized for five days (instead of 7)—because she “coughed and something snapped.” But then again she also couldn’t remember what day her sister visited her house.
Brandi would not leave without leaving one big pile of crap on the table. Kyle told her she was unwanted and Brandi said she wasn’t wanted either, she should ask her husband. …………. Low blow, Ms. Glanville. But Kim didn’t hear it because she was trying to remember all the words to A Spoon Full of Sugar from Mary Poppins.
Lisa Rinna and Eileen, the soap opera actresses of the group, sat in horror.
Next week: We still don’t find out why Kim was in the hospital.
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