Show Recaps

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Are You Stalking Me?

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The time had come for Brandi to move again. Just when she was getting used to the carpeting or the toilet that always clogs she’d had to pack up and move into another rental. Luckily she was making enough money these days to employ a moving company to haul her belongings. They were sweet kids and did a great job moving her leather couches, but she paid them in Monopoly money and sexually harassed them. One lucky fellow had to have sex with her after all the boxes had been emptied and the stripper pole was installed in the front foyer. Brandi, you see, was no longer dating JR, an extra in the traveling production of Pirates of the Caribbean, but she was finally making her own money and not taking scraps from her ex-husband’s country song singing wife. She and Kim had become close. Brandi’s naughtiness and Kim’s inability to form complete sentences without medication were complimentary. They enjoyed the same things, like talking to walls and stalking people (it was a Richards/Hilton family pastime).


Lisa’s custom t-shirt maker arrived with the same yards of silk organza used to create gowns worn by Disney princesses at Disneyland. It cost $800 to design, cut, sew, and personalize a shirt one could easily duplicate with a shirt from the mall and with a bedazzler from Michaels. She summoned Magdalena to bring her tea. She was new to the Vanderpump home staff. She’d found her walking up a hill one morning. “Do you like pink panthers,” she asked? “If so, jump in my Rolls Royce.” Magdalena didn’t understand her, but she wanted a job. Now she had a job delivering tea and had a brand new collection of used pantyhose.

After specifying how many crystals to apply around the wristbands she wondered aloud to Ken if there were a point to socializing with the other girls. She had suffered enough while lounging at a 4 star Puerto Rican resort paid for by Bravo. She had only wanted to be around people who were loyal, but also rich. That’s why she spends so much time with Mohamed’s girlfriend Shiva. With Brandi she had to listen to her emotional and physical struggles. With Shiva they could spend hours trying on diamond necklaces and counting stacks of money.


Kyle was happy about a family trip to Lake Tahoe because they would be able to take their new private jet. Although she worried it could give Portia unrealistic views on the value of a dollar for her husband Mauricio it sure beat waiting around the airport to get through security or buy a granola bar at the newsstand. It’s a headache trying to get your college-aged daughter through the gate and into their seat in first class. Mauricio, as you know, had become successful selling houses to actors and Saudi Arabians.


Lisa Rinna met with her new 25-year-old agent over lunch. She was happy working with him because he was a hustler. Her last agent had exhausted every opportunity available to a former daytime television actress with enormous lips. Lisa was willing to work for a buck. Just months before she’d been able to pay off the electric and school tuition bills by endorsing bladder control Spanx.


Now that two of Yolanda’s three kids were out of the house she had more time to devote to David. Before he headed off to Shanghai to be a mentor on the Asian version of The Voice she prepared a roast chicken dinner in a negligee. She had done things like that early in their relationship but had gotten side tracked with her health issues and because she always worried Josh Groban or Clay Aiken might be downstairs in the kitchen.


Kim believed the only way Brandi could truly heal was if she saw JR on a date with the woman he was now seeing. (When one is going through a difficult life transition Kim Richards is a well-known resource on progression). They gathered scarfs, sunglasses, and wigs and took off to the Valley so they could squat behind some hedges across the street from a Mexican restaurant. JR was alone that night and somehow did not see two women with tight faces smoking Marlboros while crouching next to a Valet stand.


Yolanda regretted eating dinner the night before because now she could barely zip on her riding pants. “I’m fat,” she explained to her rotund housecleaner Blanca. “I may as well throw in the town in this town. What more is there to live for?” She had invited Kim to go horseback riding. Although they had had numerous tension filled moments at the reunion she felt like Kim was a wounded bird. She wanted to take care of her but only if it was on camera and she didn’t have to share with Kim her cell phone number or her mailing address. Kim was a seasoned rider after years of training in the Child Actor Horse Program. She was a little rusty but she looked at it the same way she looked at driving a car or walking to the mailbox: as long as one eye is open she’ll figure it out.


Brandi called Kyle on her vacation so she could get some advice before her meeting with Adrienne. They had agreed to meet after running into each other in front of the bathroom at the annual white party. Some time had passed between that moment Brandi announced on national television that Adrienne had not in fact pushed her twins out her own vagina. She had hoped that despite spending thousands of dollars she didn’t have on legal fees that Adrienne would forgive her or at the very least lift her ban at The Palms in Las Vegas. Adrienne had changed since then. Now that she had gotten rid of her husband and her glitter extensions she was a happier person with a younger boyfriend and a tighter face. “I am very sorry for hurting your family, but please understand Lisa forced me to do it,” Brandi explained. “Lisa is a fancy lady and she could see that because I went to school with gangs members in Sacramento I would be willing to take you down.” Adrienne politely suggested that going forward Brandi may want to take a breath and possibly pop a pill before she open her large mouth. Brandi stabbed her leg with a pen. Damn it, she would try.

NEXT WEEK: Lisa continues to refer to Yolanda as YO-LAAAAND-A.


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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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