Show Recaps

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Olive Branch

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BRANDI’S PARTY

Brandi opened up her home for a rental housewarming party. It was a celebration of her newfound success as a single mother able to lease a home without the aid of her ex-husband’s wife, a country recording artist with a megahit on the Coyote Ugly movie soundtrack. Adrienne and her new boyfriend even made an appearance, a huge change from the moments in previous years when she threatened to sue Brandi for revealing the truth that she had not in fact, despite “home movies” and various “visits” to a GYNO given birth to her twin sons. She even brought her a bottle of her Maloff vodka, a zesty liquor with a twist of gasoline sold exclusively at Rite-Aids. But perhaps most surprising was the attendance of Lisa Vanderpump and her husband Feathered Hair.

Brandi had almost not noticed her. She was so busy catching up with Leeza Gibbons, her old friend from the infomercial days. (She’d appeared as a studio audience guest asking Leeza about Sheer Cover, her transformative skin care product experience for women who have serious skin issues like sun damage, birth marks, acne, shrapnel, or grease fire wounds). Lisa and Leeza were old friends too. They had co-hosted a Liberace fundraiser in Palm Springs in the early 80s. But Lisa was more interested in chatting with Brandi’s parents, who had just recently begun speaking to their daughter again. “She’s always been a mouthy kid that stabs you and pretends she’s done nothing wrong,” her mother explained while throwing back her 4th glass of pinot grigio. Lisa graciously agreed and then suggested it was perhaps their horrendous job parenting her. “Now see I think it’s your fault. But the view is lovely, isn’t it?

At the end of the evening they all stood around and gave toasts to the host. Kim went on about how much she loved Brandi. (A turn of events from the time she hid Brandi’s crutches in a hallway closet). Yolanda commended her on becoming a strong single mother. Kyle, on the other hand, noted that she was sort of starting to kind-of see that perhaps underneath her bucket of pills and empty gin bottles that there could be someone that wasn’t so horrible, she supposed.

LISA’S EVENT

Lisa had the women bring spare clothes to her new restaurant for a foster care charity. She believed the way to empower a 16 year old looking to find her own job and life out of the system was to gift her with custom made silk taffeta blouses and bedazzled stiletto lady pumps. Everyone brought their old dresses, the ones they had already worn to events on the charity and store opening circuit. Brandi tried once again to befriend her archenemy by ripping off a branch from the olive tree Lisa had shipped overseas and into the patio of her new restaurant. “Here, take this,” she begged. “Will you just meet me for lunch? What more can I do for you? Eat your….. (I blocked this part out as my ears began to bleed). Lisa was horrified but half-heartedly agreed to meet the following day. “No, darling. I think I am just fine. Did you hear that girls? Brandi just asked if me if I’d like her to enjoy my Italian ice.” They were all confused except Lisa Rinna. “You mean cunninglingus? Ah, yes. I learned all about that when I had a recurring role on the Starz network.” Yolanda didn’t understand. She thought it was a type of Indian spice used in curry. Eileen couldn’t understand why someone would just blare out the status of their vaginal activities in public places so often. Couldn’t she just save it for her journal?

COCKTAILS

They all left Lisa’s event to meet for drinks at a restaurant down the street. For obvious reasons they took chauffeured cars. While Brandi and Kim used the restroom Eileen took the opportunity to quiz Lisa Rinna about the reason behind the Brandi and Lisa Vanderpump animosity. “I sense some tension,” Eileen said. Oh really, Eileen? You mean you can tell that some crap went down? Lisa Rinna was unsure despite watching the last two seasons, knowing everyone on the cast, and texting Andy Cohen regularly. Brandi upon her return explained that Lisa continued to spend time with her best friend Scheanna, a cocktail waitress at one of her restaurants and one of the 16 women her ex-husband was sleeping on a weekly basis despite her protests. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” Eileen and Lisa Rinna said in unison. It seemed everyone had their issues with Lisa. She didn’t invite Yolanda to her Palm Springs walk way party. She didn’t invite her to the new cocktail and chicken skewer bar in West Hollywood. That is what you do when you are friends for purposes of television contracts. You show up. But hadn’t Lisa extended an olive branch by inviting them all to sit and be photographed in her new restaurant?

Things that also happened:

Lisa Rinna explained that at her age she gets angry when people don’t want to hire her because she is too famous. She’s also very happy playing a wild and crazed person because it is so close to who she really is as a person. In her line of business she must work hard to look like she is 20 years old. She is very happy about the status of her enormous lips.

Kyle is trying to accept her kids are all leaving for home (except Portia who she is pleased can now make her own sandwiches). Before she leaves home she’d like to teach her daughter Alexia how to do laundry (because the maids always do it), but she’d rather go off to her friend Shelby’s barbecue (code for Skid Row).

Eileen also likes to keep fit (kind of) and tries to eat right (sort of) because her job demands it. While others enjoy the publicity part of the business, she prefers to concentrate on her craft, she explained while appearing on a national reality television show.

Mario Lopez’s wife made an appearance at Lisa charity event; surprisingly Mario was not there as he enjoys any opportunity to appear on camera.

Portia revealed she hates Lisa Vanderpump.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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