Show Recaps

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Days Of Our Wines

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LISA AND BRANDI

Brandi thought by meeting Lisa mid-afternoon for an appetizer sized salad she would be able to convince her to start their friendship anew. You can’t scream at someone in the middle of Il Fornaio, right? But Lisa wanted to be clear that once you shit on her you can’t be invited back to Villa Rosa for Chablis and tea sandwiches, especially after the way her feather haired husband had defended her. On some level Brandi understood this. It’s not like she would ever be able to forget the way Eddie had been porking Scheana and a country music singer during their marital period. But she needed Lisa to temporarily forgive her so they could sit comfortably across the room from each other during housewives related parties.

THE WINE TOSS

Lisa Rinna was happy her kids were now of an age they no longer needed her to drive them around and supervise their social media accounts. Now she can meet up with gal pals for cocktails on a Wednesday afternoon in the middle of the day in Santa Monica without guilt. On this jaunt she invited Yolanda, Brandi, and her old friend Eileen from Days of Our Lives. Everyone was enjoying their individual bottle of wine, discussing the reason behind Eileen’s affair and how it led to her leaving her previous husband when Brandi began to taunt Eileen to reprise her role in the middle of the restaurant. “Can’t you just flip your hair and turn into Kristen DiMera? You be Kristen and I will be your father the super villain Stefano with the pockmarked skin.” But you just can’t give the people of Casa del Mar’s lounge a free performance of Kristen-just-found-out-John-Black-is-still-in-love-with-Marlena without paying for it. She wasn’t a circus monkey. Unsatisfied with her unwillingness to break into character Brandi did the only thing she thought would help. She flung a glass of buttery chardonnay all over Eileen’s face and textured hair. In fairness Brandi thought that was what all soap opera actresses do when they prepare for a scene. You get your hair and makeup done, squeeze into a cocktail dress, and then have someone shoot Ballatore champagne all over your face. Turns out they don’t, evidenced by the horror that overcame everyone’s face. “How do we move on from this,” Lisa Rinna wondered? Eileen began to cry. She just wanted to show the world she was more than a soap opera actress by appearing on a reality television show about a bunch of women who constantly get in bitch fights.

DINNER PARTY

It just so happened the very next day Yolanda was throwing a dinner party at her house. It was David’s idea. Now that you are feeling better, Yo, we should invite Babyface, Martin Katz the jeweler, and then a bunch of your TV friends over for dinner. We could show everyone our beautiful home, I can sit at the head of the table, and then we can all sit around the piano and listen to me tell boring stories about the time I wrote the theme song to St. Elmo’s Fire. Luckily she wouldn’t have to do much work because she hired a wedding planner to decorate the dinner table and someone else to cook the food.

Yolanda and Eileen made sure to fill in Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump about what had transpired at the restaurant. (Kyle wasn’t unable to attend because she was too busy trying to convince her daughter not to go to a college in another state). Lisa wasn’t exactly surprised. “Only an animal would pour alcohol on a daytime Emmy award winner.” But Brandi wasn’t exactly a classy lady. She wore stripper heels to church. She asked strangers if they were capable of having multiple orgasms. She brought her tight t-shirt wearing over-Botoxed hairdresser/houseguest to a Malibu dinner party. She pulled Eileen aside on the back patio. She wanted to apologize for her wine tossing by offering her a long necklace she picked up at Claire’s Boutique at a mall in The Valley. “It’s pretty,” Eileen said. “Not something I would ever wear, but a nice gesture after humiliating me on national television.” They moved inside so they could enjoy dinner.

BABYFACE

Yolanda’s celebrity wedding planner did the first screw up of the night by seating Brandi next to Grammy award winner Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds. (Or as Lisa Vanderpump says”Puppa-faced”) David had to remind her that his friend sweet face was married. She knew this already because she told him he should have bought his wife a larger engagement ring. Kyle and Lisa looked on in horror. Then after a mid-dinner speech thanking David for his emotional support, congratulating Eileen on her acting award, and Lisa for opening a burger joint in West Hollywood (that no one was, as she reminded everyone, invited to) she encouraged them all to go outside and enjoy gourmet s’mores by the fire pit. While Yolanda danced around her husband David pleaded with her to intervene because her friend Brandi was dry humping him while he strained to control his weak knee. (On the heels of her asking his music writing partner if she would like to partake in lesbian love making in the near future). Once they were inside they all sat around David’s throne as they all do at Yolanda and David Foster dinner parties. “My friend Babyface and I like to play a fun party game where we ask someone to say a sentence and we build a song around it.” But before he could finish the sentence Brandi was inquiring why he was punctuating his sentence with gesticular movements simulating what she would to as “finger banging” your wife. David Foster wanted to climb into his piano. Kyle hid behind her unreasonably long hair. Kimberly Richards gave her thumbs up. “How about a song about Loving My Life,” she asked while compulsively blinking. But somehow Babyface rose to the occasion. It was after all what R&B music was founded on, songs about essentially finger banging someone.

Lisa Rinna and Eileen moved aside and debated whether Brandi had a future as an actress. She was neurotic enough and had no boundaries when it came to sexual situations. She was a shoe in!

ACTING

Later in the evening Brandi would appear on Watch What Happens Live with Jeff Lewis. She would fall into a pile of tears when Jeff voiced his concern that running his fingers through her weave may give him a sexually transmitted disease. She would return the favor by, yet again, throwing wine all over his face. It would be her finest performance on a television talk show.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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