Show Recaps

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Come on Eileen

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This is what happened on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

LISA RINNA 

It was Lisa’s birthday. She wasn’t exactly thrilled she was over 50, especially since she’s got two teenage daughters who keep her humble. “Mom, I know you have a body built by plastic surgeons, but can you just wear a black poncho and a fanny pack?” She and Harry often wonder what life would have been like if they had not had children. (She could have been a Lifetime movie star). “I would have been a narcissist,” she explained while trying to ignore one of her collapsing fake eyelashes, which had not been applied with enough glue. Lisa had offered to throw her a birthday dinner at her new restaurant because they were close friends and because she wanted it to be featured on more than one reality television show.

Harry flew in from a job in Vancouver in just enough time to present her with a Cartier ring. The romance was still there. They had met when she was working at an eyeglass store at a fashion mall. He had been married at the time to Nicolette Sheridan, star of Desperate Housewives, Knots Landing, and the 1997 hit Beverly Hills Ninja, but it was okay because Nicolette had left Harry for Michael Bolton. Years later she would run into Bolton at a restaurant and thank him. “You know, I am thankful Nicolette was taken with your long flowing wavy mullet because now I have two beautiful daughters and the man I love.” Bolton nodded, grabbed her hand, and started singing How Am I Supposed To Live Without You from his Essential Michael Bolton album.

But that was not the only love story. Kyle, as it turns out, met Mauricio while she was married to an elder television news caster. “I saw one look at him and turned my ring around. I later explained to my fiancée that the wedding was off because I had met someone else named Maurice.” (He would only become Mauricio once he realized it helped him sell more houses).

YOLANDA

Philippe, Yolanda’s hairdresser, had received a call in the middle of the night. “Quick, you must come. I can’t let David see my gray hair. I have to leave for Europe in the morning. You can use my sink. Promise me you will come, Philippe.” It had been a frantic time for her between planning for her daughter to go off to college and maybe become a fashion model and picking lemons from her garden. Now she was off to visit her family in Holland and visit Kyle on a rented yacht in Mallorca. How does one pack one bag to fit in the upper luggage container of your private jet? Take less tank tops? Have Blanca the housecleaner ship your beaded gowns overseas? She had more time these days to focus on David and to compare her career to that of her daughters. Mohammed wanted the girls to get college educations. (He would probably leave the bulk of his estate to his son and whatever wife he was married to at the time). Yolanda, however, understood the importance of striking the iron while it is hot. “If Gucci calls you and asks you to wear a python dress you do it.”

BRANDI

She had made too much money, which was the problem. She couldn’t just wait around to cash checks from the Leann Rimes World Tour. Now that she was making her own living Eddie was asking for handouts. (Doesn’t Leann give him his own credit card so he can buy his own hair gel and teeth whitener?) This was the reason she couldn’t get a loan to buy a home. You want a split-level with enough grass for your dogs to take a piss, but you’ve got to pay the divorce lawyers.

KYLE

She didn’t want to raise a brat. She had reminded herself of that every time she had to spend time with her nieces Paris and Nicki. “I love those girls, don’t get me wrong, but they really are horrendous.” But she still liked to see Portia dressed up in dresses that say I Left My Louis at Home or Did Someone See My Caviar? or My Boots Cost As Much As Your Ford Fiesta. Mauricio is also to blame. Now that he’s a fancy real estate agent he likes to spoil his girls. “Portia, do you want these jean shorts covered in puffy paint that cost $525?” But Portia was a good girl despite the material gifts, which was evidenced when she tore off her underpants and skirt, threw them on the ground and demanded a store maid pick it up. “Some girls don’t have any clothes,” Kyle whispered to her. “Do you want to be the kind of girl that has to wear clothes that were bought on sale? No, I didn’t think so.” They would show her the value of a dollar by taking her on private jet rides and exposing her to family vacations spent on a rented yacht off an island in the Mediterranean Sea.

KIM

She had been strong despite the failing health of her first husband and accepting her oldest child would leave home and get married. One minute she was allowing her dog to maul innocent people and the next taking care of her loved ones. That was the mystery of Kimberly Richards. She had invited her two sisters to enjoy the tradition of watching your daughter try on wedding dresses, but even then they would sabotage the experience. Kyle was disappointed she would just be attending the ceremony as a relative. “So what you are saying is that I can’t be a bridesmaid or appear on stage behind the priest in a sequin jumpsuit?” Older sister Kathy just wasn’t happy with the options. (She didn’t understand Bravo only uses one bridal designer and that is Zunino). “Oh, no, that won’t work,” she said. “If you want your wedding to be held during a pageant for poor people then that is nice, but not for you, no. Maybe you could try something that isn’t hideous or actually fits you or looks like it hasn’t been sewn together using dental floss?” But that was Kathy for you. She’s got a face that won’t move and can’t fasten the buttons on her blouse, but she’s got opinions!

EILEEN

She was what one could consider an Academy Award winning actress of daytime drama. Long hailed as one of the best in a business filled with women who draw out long sentences and then stare off into open space, Eileen Davidson was a star and an old colleague and kind-of friend of Lisa Rinna. They had worked together years ago on Days of Our Lives when Lisa played Billy and Eileen played Kristen DiMera. (Lisa shat her pants upon their first meeting because she was so star struck.) They had forged a friendship based on their mutual love of dramatic acting and highlights. Here they were years later enjoying salmon steaks and spiked iced tea. Sure, they had kept in touch. Eileen once appeared on Lisa’s cancelled television show and Lisa had clapped for her when she won awards at the Daytime Emmys. But now they had promised each other that they would spend more time together now that a camera crew would be following them.

LISA AND BRANDI

Ultimately Brandi just wanted peace. She had understood that by crossing Lisa she would never be able to sleep through the night or enjoy a delicious dinner in West Hollywood without making reservations again. But at least they could be civil. Maybe she’d even attend a housewarming at her rental home in a neighborhood that wasn’t gated? Maybe if she called Lisa without warning on her cell phone that had 10% battery during a hike with Kyle they could smooth things out? But Lisa was weary. She had been a good friend to Brandi but after calling her out for a liar and making claims that she was once bankrupt and lived in a house in the Valley things just couldn’t go back to the old days when she was using her for a center storyline on her spin-off show. She had better things to do than listen to Brandi, like watch her husband with feathered hair try to plant roses even though they had a full time gardener. Suddenly Brandi’s phone died and she was left to resume the call by borrowing Kyle’s. “Is that you, Kyle,” Lisa asked? “Bloody, terrific. You two barely exercise and now you are calling me from some hill in Santa Monica so you can try to get me to apologize.” But Lisa doesn’t apologize because she’s an angel sent from heaven.

So maybe they wouldn’t be friends again.

 

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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