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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Barbecue

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LISA RINNA

Lisa needed to return to her homeland to help with the sale of her childhood home, a ranch house on a quiet street in a town she loathed. “I just knew as a child I was too fabulous for Medford.” Medford, Oregon was a lovely town if you wanted to raise children that don’t want to one day be on the cover of Playboy or appear as a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. You could have a happy simple life if you only needed one store that sells hot pants. The town was a shit hole, but she had her parents and her half sister Nancy who visited once a year and smoked cigarettes on the toilet. It was sad to see the old house go, especially that wallpapered bedroom that her parents had kept the same even though she had not lived there in 30 years.

Least interested in her jaunt home were her daughters Amelia and Delilah who considered their mom a hoarder, didn’t understand why Oregon housed so many fast food chains, and couldn’t find a restaurant that had gluten free options on the menu. Would they be happy if Lisa decided to sell their home in West Hollywood? Probably not since it’s filled with ghosts and their mom’s closet has a security system.

LISA VANDERPUMP

Upon their return from Palm Springs Lisa and Ken enjoyed tea in their sitting room. While watching her swans nearly decapitate one of their dogs Lisa discussed their very busy social calendar. They had received invitations to Kyle’s summer barbecue and Brandi’s rental housewarming party. Lisa insisted Ken wanted harmony amongst all the women in the group, but Ken also wears unbuttoned pink dress shirts that coordinate with his wife’s shoes. It was Lisa’s choice and she just wasn’t ready to forget the way the women had raised their voices on a beach in the Dominican Republic months ago.

EILEEN

She and Vincent enjoyed their life in Malibu even though they had to mow their own grass, grow their own tomatoes, and rarely left the house unless it was for work or a fire evacuation. After enjoying a dry white wine with Lisa Rinna and Yolanda in Malibu (she and Yolanda both had kids in the same grade who beer bonged before the junior prom) she received an invitation to accompany Yolanda to Kyle’s barbecue. “Do you want to catch a ride with us,” Eileen asked? “Since I am a Daytime Emmy Award winner I get to pick people up and drop them off in a stretch limousine.”

KYLE 

She and Mauricio loved to throw parties. They enjoyed people and it was also a great way to trap people into becoming potential clients. “You want some sangria? Let me list your house for sale.” Although it was a barbecue it had to be a Beverly Hills affair with grilled corn rolled in truffle oil and a performance by one of the finalists from American Idol. And it wouldn’t be a party without Kyle pointing out how rich she is. “Please don’t use one of the expensive bottles of wine. I opened a bottle for my book club and Mauricio reminded me it cost $2,000.”

YOLANDA

David was still back at the studio so he would have sit out another party. “He said there might be a chance he can spend time with me if he finishes up his track with Bruce Jenner’s daughter in law who appeared on three episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” The food was delicious, but she couldn’t withhold her disappointment that Lisa did not extend an invitation to her Palm Sprigs star ceremony. “I would have gladly delayed my trip to the Amalfi Coast to watch you get your name put I the sidewalk in a retirement city because that’s what girlfriends do.”

BRANDI

All was going well until Brandi started to display her obsession with Days of Our Lives. “Eileen, you must know that I have been watching Days of Our Lives since I was a child and you were probably in your 30s. I lived for Marlena and John Black.” Eileen was used to crazed soap opera fans, which was why she never shopped at Chico’s, but Brandi had already scared her off by explaining over appetizers that she had her vagina tightened post-divorce. But Brandi had bigger fish to fry. She was still trying to convince Lisa and Ken to attend her housewarming party in the Valley. How do you get a woman and her lady husband to come to your split-level in the suburbs when you plan on serving Jell-O shots and banging the neighbor?

KIM

She had known Eileen’s husband Vincent because they were friends when they were 13 and running in the same Hollywood circles. He played tennis and she pretended once to play tennis in an episode of Magnum P.I. even though she had limited hand eye coordination. But that’s what you do “in the biz”… you lie. Kim’s pretended she was a tennis professional, Eileen’s pretended she was the lead biker in a motorcycle band, and Kyle has pretended she had no friends by wearing oversized reading glasses. The struggle is real.

Next week: I am hoping I don’t fall asleep.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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  1. Pingback: Love and Knuckles Real Housewives Beverly Hills Recap: The Olive Branch

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