Reality TV Stars

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Premiere Recap

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It was a new day in the Hills of Beverly.. The sun still rose and set. Implants were removed and replaced. Foreheads were frozen and Kyle, per tradition continued preparations for her annual party, which celebrates the bridal industry.

Kyle

Kyle was pleased with the way her daughters were growing, even Portia, the west coast Milania of Housewives offspring. Mauricio’s business had grown, so their white party had to accommodate his clients and local agents so he could cultivate relationships and use it as a tax write-off. 4 years ago it was just a family party with white couches and a Fat Burger truck. Now it was a party with white couches and a Fat Burger truck.

Yolanda

Yolanda and David were in a new chapter of their lives. Her children were leaving home, so they longer needed four acres and an orchard of lemon trees. It had become a burden trying to manage the property. It took her weeks to notice someone was selling strapless beach covers made in Nicaragua at the bottom of her hill. (He was a lovely guy even though he had three teeth and may have been on meth. “Just be a love and try not to sell more than 5 days a week.”) She was on good terms with Brandi. She had found a way to forgive her for admitting on national television that Yolanda’s ex-husband divulged details about the odor of another woman’s lady pocket in another Housewives franchise. She just didn’t need the negativity, and she was also bound to make up with her due to Bravo contractual obligations.

Brandi

Brandi was moving again. She had hoped that her success writing books, doing podcasts, and shilling products would allow her the opportunity to own a home one day. Not that it was a problem for her sons. Even though they were in middle school and approaching puberty they still slept in their mother’s bed, she explained. They could enjoy beds and their own shower at their father’s house. She was without love, but traveled with a hair and makeup team, which fulfilled her in some ways. She held out hope that despite an emotionally trying reunion last season her old friend Lisa Vanderboss and her husband Mullet would forgive her.

Lisa V. 

Lisa didn’t have much time to worry about the destruction of her friendships. She was too busy erecting a cocktail bar in West Hollywood. If it were not for the wait staff at her restaurants, her house lady Rosea, and her dog she would have fallen apart. She agreed to meet Kyle for lunch, so they could discuss the state of their relationship. Over burrata salads they agreed to move forward.

Lisa Rinna

Kyle’s old friend Lisa Rinna was going to come to the party. She was a star of primetime soap operas in the 90s but had found a new career agreeing to appear on any television program willing to write her a check. Her husband Harry was at one time considered by People Magazine as the world’s sexiest man, but had now become a salt and pepper haired character actor with a flare for floral arrangements. They had two teenage daughters who were beautiful and constantly complaining because they can’t attend music festivals filled with people on drugs.

Kenneth

Ken didn’t want to attend Kyle’s white party because it meant having to separate himself from Lisa and his dog Gigi who he likes to dress up in matching track pants. But it was important that everyone come together so they could dance away their troubles and once again find commonality. It was undeniable there was electricity when they are all together swiveling and first pumping to the silent sounds of a house DJ in someone’s backyard.

Old Gals

Adrienne had done away with her plastic surgeon husband Paul and her glitter extensions and replaced them with a younger boyfriend named Busch. She was a “moody old cow” as Lisa had explained, so it was nice to her happy and refreshed and tweaked to look like a house cat. Camille was recovering from her health problems and spending half of the Grammer fortune. Taylor was remarried to a wonderful man who manages her reality television career and keeps her standing upright. Kim was late as usual, dipped in a bucket of self-tanner and trying to figure out what happened to at least one of her contact lenses.

Mending Fences

But Brandi was having some trouble getting people to look at her. She had wondered why it was so hard for a bunch of 75-year-old women to contain their eye rolling and embrace her despite her impulsive nature, preoccupation with sex, and inability to control herself after 12 glasses of chardonnay. So she approached Adrienne and asked if they could work through the fact she had announced on national television two seasons prior that Adrienne lied about growing two babies in her lady cavity. Adrienne agreed.

Next week: Brandi throws a wine glass. Kim is late. Kyle gets her unreasonably long hair stuck in a car door. Lisa Rinna tries to locate her lip-gloss. Lisa’s husband watches her brush her hair and Yolanda’s husband David reminds everyone he has won several Grammy awards.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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