Real Housewives of New Jersey
Are You A Real Housewife in New Jersey?
REAL NEW JERSEY HOUSEWIFE
My sister Megan lives in New Jersey. To my constant astonishment she has never seen an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. She has explained that she lacks time and interest in a show about women complaining about each other. “I also don’t want to watch a show about cheesy women,” she has said, to which I always reply, “That is why the show is so glorious.”
Recently I have tried to convince her to join the cast. “It’s a show about women who live in New Jersey,” I have explained, “maybe you and your friends can be on the show?” Her immediate (and valid) concern has been that in the vein of shows like Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, and Jersey Couture, a show about being a housewife in New Jersey would only highlight women who wear clothing not appropriate for their body shape and glittered acrylic nails. “Does everyone have hair matted in hairspray and contoured makeup?” she has asked. “I am not saying they do,” I have replied, “but I am also not saying they don’t either.”
For research purposes I ran through several questions to gage her potential fit as a housewife on the show. Surely if she said yes to at least five of these questions she would be considered a shoo-in. Sadly she said yes to only one.
- Have you ever been to Franklin Lakes?
- Have any of your friends served time in prison?
- Do you have any friends with husbands who are going off to prison, are currently incarcerated, or have served time in prison?
- Do you have any black marble in your home?
- Does the front of your house have gargoyles?
- Do your kids or your friend’s kids ride ATVs/quads in the front yard at high speeds?
- Do you or any of your friends have three German Shepherds, which serve as security?
- When you get a new car lease does it arrive to your house with a red bow on top?
- How many cannolis did you eat this year?
- Have you ever bought Black Water?
- Would you have interest in mini sized popcorn snacks?
- Would you be interested in attending a party to celebrate someone’s kitchen renovation?
- Would you tell people that you and I are thick as thieves?
- If there was a woman at dinner who flipped a table and screamed at me would you: a. ask them to calm down b. leave the restaurant c. blame me for the situation?
- Do you know anyone who may or may not have worked as a hooker in the 80s?
- Is it in bad taste to call someone out in public for having multiple nose jobs?
- Do you have any friends pursuing a mid-life pop star career? Do you know anyone with a sound studio in his or her basement?
- Have you ever attended a fashion show for a clothing boutique?
- Have you ever gone to a girl’s night out in a gym?
- Do you own any pairs of bedazzled jeans?
She said that she would consider us as thick as thieves, but wouldn’t necessarily use the same terminology. My guess is that she won’t be receiving any calls from the casting department any time soon.
Feel free to pass this onto your friends who also live in New Jersey, especially if they are a housewife.