Real Housewives of New York

Quarrel: Real Housewives of New York Recap

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In this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York the women staged another Luann-tervention before her wedding and a quarrel about true friendship.

LOVER’S QUARREL

 

Luann was getting married in two weeks and it didn’t bother her that everyone thought she was making an enormous mistake. “So what if Tom and I have a lover’s quarrel?” she asked the ceiling. “I would be worried if we didn’t have any.” It would have been a valid point if the quarrels were not about him boning other women.

RED FLAGS

Ramona got quiet, curled inward and lifted her chin. “All I am saying is that I would want to know from my good friend Dorinda if there was something going on I should know about.” Luann reminded Ramona that Tom was 49 years old and would probably never change. “So that’s all we needed to know, that you are fine with all this.” Luann didn’t care, that was the point. This was why she was always measured in her responses. She would never deny he was still interested in making out with other women, just that she was happy.

By then the others had joined them in the parlor. Bethenny pointed out cracks become craters. If there was one thing she had learned in the last few years it was that if you see a red flag yank it off the pole, pour gasoline on it, and run as far and as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

Bethenny worried Luann looked at marriage to Tom as a never-ending resort vacation. She loved their homes in Palm Beach and New York and the fact they could go ski that winter. All the other stuff, like paying the electric bill and not slipping in your junk in another woman’s lady pocket was unimportant.

Ramona squatted beside Luann and promised her that she was happy for her. Your boyfriend will cheat on you like Mario did to me, but if that makes you happy I give you my blessing. Sonja leaned into Luann and whispered the others were just jealous. She did not include the fact she was also jealous.

TRICK MEN

Bethenny surmised the reason Tom was unable to control advancing on other women was because he was probably a loser in high school. Once he graduated from college he started to make some money, and now he’s unable to keep his drill in his slacks. Adam, however, was relaxed because he’s always been hot.

Tinsley made the others see that sometimes when your head is so far up your own ass you can’t see the forest between the trees. “Look at me! I had to get arrested to get it.” 

Upstairs Bethenny and Carole wondered if Tom has a penis that shot diamonds. He would undoubtedly need military equipment to satisfy Luann.

BACK ON TRACK

Ramona was feeling confident things were running back on track with Bethenny. “I admire and respect Bethenny and I understand I can’t mention her business or her child, but I am confused how to handle this,” said Ramona, “it’s the first time I have ever been confused.” She wasn’t confused the year she sold religious jewelry or the season she almost opened up a sports bar?

IT’S AWFUL

Carole started a fire in the one non-operating fireplace, which left the lower floor of Dorinda’s home covered in smoke. It was a metaphor for Luann’s forthcoming union. Luann, swaddled in fur sat across from Bethenny assured her that her hellacious marriage and subsequent divorce was worth it because she has a daughter. “I am living in a huge pile of dinosaur shit,” explained Bethenny. “I don’t want to hear any Hallmark commentary about moving into a new chapter of my life, I am still stuck at the table of contents. I am in a virtual prison chamber.” She also wondered how someone about to marry a philanderer is capable of giving life advice.

Sonja and Ramona skipped into the room just as Bethenny exited. She found a quiet corner in the room where a fireplace explosion almost happened and wept. Luann tried to comfort her. “I just think you are making the biggest mistake of your life,” she told Luann. “But I am so happy,” replied Luann. “Good, then I am happy for you,” said Bethenny.

Dorinda prepared a roast chicken dinner with cranberry sauce in a can. As Ramona brought her plate to the table she dumped chicken juice all over Dorinda’s expensive carpet. The others began to notice Ramona was shaky and disoriented. She was normally nuts, but this was kicked into high gear. They exchanged eye rolls.

After winning a chocolate Santa she began to slow her speech. “Avery likes cho-col-ate,” she explained to the others as if they were deaf. Her 22-year-old daughter loved nothing more than an oversized piece of candy. “Don’t show your crazy side!” Sonja mouthed to Ramona as she stood up and tried to deliver a toast to Luann. “I wish you a happy life with Tom and that it is everything you want it to be.” Then she left her table on the plate for someone else to pick up.

Sonja ate an entire roll of cheese.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH RAMONA?

They all sang happy birthday to Dorinda with the Countess drowning out the others. It was as if she was on the last leg of her iTunes tour. Before Dorinda could blow out the candles Ramona crept around the corner and into Bethenny’s ear space. She apologized for bringing up Bethenny’s daughter and then casually ended with a cabernet infused burp.

TOASTY

Luann made a toast to Dorinda for her birthday and Tinsley wondered why no one else was invited to the wedding.

Bethenny: “Carole slept with Luann’s chef who was sleeping with her niece, Ramona can’t stop talking about Tom’s penis, Sonja has touched his penis, and I told her last year in this room that he was sack of shit.” 

Tinsley: “Okay, noted.”

Ramona: “I don’t know what it is but I love all you girls, except Tinley, whom I don’t know.” 

Tinsley: “Uh, thanks.” 

Ramona: “I am in a good place and girlfriends are important.” 

Bethenny: “I will not participate in this shit show.”

Ramona: “I think Bethenny and I made up.”

Dorinda: “No, you did not.” 

Sonja tried to give Ramona some advice in the foyer. “Just say you are sorry and then run away.” Armed with what seemed like a stomach full of an unknown pill and at least 12 vodka sodas Ramona felt ready to confront Bethenny.

They moved into the parlor to finally work out their issues.

Bethenny: “You have not been a good friend to me.”

Ramona: “Are you kidding me?” (15 times).

NEXT WEEK:

Ramona and Bethenny reenact a scene from Overboard.

Real Housewives of New York, Bethenny, Ramona, Naomie

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

3 Comments

  1. Lisa Bradley

    June 1, 2017 at 6:46 pm

    Thanks for all the laughs. I love reading your recaps. I even read the ones about shows I don’t watch. Just to laugh at your comments.

  2. Jennifer Steitz

    June 2, 2017 at 7:48 am

    I always read your Real Housewives recaps and this one did not disappoint!!

    • Kate

      June 5, 2017 at 10:25 pm

      THANK YOU!

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