Parenting

Prepared: Real Housewives of NJ Recap

By  | 

This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Margaret started to develop her shoe line, Melissa and Joe prepared for their Gorga tasting party, and Siggy’s husband prepared for her to work more. 

BACK FROM VEGAS

Margaret returned from Las Vegas with bruised feet, crusty eyes, and a vagina and armpits badly in need of a washing. She had begun work on a shoe line, economical for a lady who enjoyed fall trends. Her husband waited beside the door as he always did. “He’s the woman in our relationship,” said Margaret. He called her on the hour and often watched her work through a tree in their side yard. “Are you thinking about me?” he’d whisper into the phone. She would walk over to the window and lift up the pane. “Yeah, Joe, I can think of nothing but my love for you as look through these Excel spread sheets.” Then she would slip on the cheap slippers she stole from the Wynn Hotel and get back to ordering espadrilles and cheetah slip-ons. Margaret’s old pal Jodi Goldberg updated her on Siggy’s accessory potluck, which culminated with Siggy holding a poll on cake tossing. Then they talked about belts.

DOLORES

Though Dolores was deeply in love with her boyfriend she was still living with her ex-husband Frank and their son Frank Jr. They would enjoy slabs of steak together and relished in the fact that despite American statistics on divorce they still loved and supported each other. Dolores did not support Margaret. Once she gave Teresa a beautiful wreath in honor of her deceased mother all bets were off. Once Siggy was left off the bereavement Evite Margaret pretty much destroyed any hope for a friendship future. “Dolores lives up Siggy’s ass,” explained Margaret. “I just support my best friend,” explained Dolores.

APOLOGY

Teresa and Gia shopped for matching swimwear at the CA Beach hut, a bikini shop owned and operated by someone who has probably never visited California. Gia tried to gently explain to her mother that she was too lenient on her siblings. She assumed her mother who had spent time in a federal prison would want her child to understand rules and regulations. The conversation stuck with Teresa, so she apologized to Melissa for her overreaction. “I have a bone to pick with you. It’s just I didn’t appreciate you commenting on my parenting. I apologize,” she surprisingly said. It was the first time Melissa could ever remember her apologizing.

PICTURE PERFECT

The one thing Teresa would not apologize for was having her sister-in-law nail a picture of herself laughing on the wall of the restaurant she purchased from another owner with her brother. The walls were lined with beautiful photos of her parents, and it just didn’t seem right having an oversized photo of Melissa laughing. “You can’t even see my brother’s face!” said Teresa. Melissa could not understand why it was such a big deal. “What? I look beautiful!”

COMPROMISE

Siggy and Michael sipped glasses of champagne while celebrating their anniversary. They were nearly empty nesters and while Siggy looked forward to beginning a new chapter in her professional life, her equally busy husband would have preferred she stay at home. He was unsure of her plans to hold bi-monthly retreats for women seeking motivation. She gripped her glass with her French manicured nails nearly breaking it half. He partially compromised.

TASTING

At a tasting at Gorga’s Pasta the women and their significant others gathered around bar tables to eat bowls of linguini. Joe Gorga had worried that the women would use the gathering to air their grievances. “Just don’t destroy the night,” he told Teresa. (Translation: Make sure everyone fights so we maximize camera time). “Has anyone tried the meatballs?” Joe asked while displaying a tray for the camera. “Can you believe these are only $8.99 on the appetizer menu?”

PREPARED

Teresa was in an uncomfortable position. While she loved Dolores, her friend of 20 years, she did have reservations after Danielle revealed Dolores had said she would do anything for money. She also wondered why Dolores had become such a devout follower of the Church of Siggy. Dolores wondered how someone she supported despite numerous insane public statements, limited interest in her life and well being, and a criminal record could doubt their friendship.

KNIVES

Siggy asked Melissa if the restaurant had any sharp knives so she could stab her in her spine. “No, we only have butter knives,” Melissa replied. Margaret was still confused. She thought she and Siggy had come to some agreement at a New Jersey diner. She was still upset? Would Siggy ever stop shedding tears? “You are the ugliest person for making fun of me!” screamed Siggy as her husband rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. Could he listen to another night of Siggy screaming?

Margaret was confused. She overheard someone call her Ellie Clampett. She overheard someone make reference to her being the devil’s child. “Is there something wrong?” she asked as she sidled up to a bar table. “All you do is talk about your brand,” said the woman who filmed every scene in Florida with a life size poster of her book and headshot in the background. “You know the brand you manufacture in China.” Oh, China, thought Margaret. You mean the same country that creates your breast implants and hair extensions? “You guys are 50, isn’t this a bit much?” asked Margaret. Siggy walked behind her, swiveled, and then started break dancing behind her.

Then Danielle asked Dolores why she never attended parties with her boyfriend. “Will we always see Frank with you?” Teresa pushed Dolores out her door so she didn’t slam her against a wall.

NEXT WEEK:

More tears.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recap, Prepared, Margaret, Siggy

Join the newsletter

Subscribe to get our latest content by email.

Powered by ConvertKit
mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *