Kardashian Pregnancy Vs. Regular Pregnancy
Multiple sources have just confirmed Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with her first child. Reports have surfaced her younger sister Kylie is also pregnant with her first child. (Sister Kim reportedly will welcome her third child early next year via surrogate). I can assure you that the Kardashian pregnancies will be nothing like the four times I carried a baby in my uterus.
KARDASHIAN PREGNANCY VERSUS MINE
KARDASHIANS: The Kardashian sisters probably took pregnancy tests while cameras filmed them from their white marble covered bathrooms. A producer probably signaled to their mother Kris that it was time for her to walk through the door mid-stream. After three run-throughs they would pretend to be shocked by the discovery, which would lead to a mid-season cliffhanger. I am guessing there was a management meeting to discuss potential endorsement deals. Should Clearblue Easy be notified? Will Dreft laundry detergent like to collaborate on an announcement? Should US Magazine get the exclusive? Would People Magazine agree to the terms of the interview conditions?
ME: The first time I took a pregnancy test I kept urinating on the wrong side of the stick. The only person waiting outside the bathroom door was my husband. I couldn’t even get my own sister that excited about my pregnancy. “You are going to be an aunt!” I squealed. “Congrats,” she said, but with the sound of a phone operator agreeing to connect you to the right extension. When I found out I was pregnant with my third and fourth babies I kept the secret from my husband for a few weeks. Why stress him out with news his wife would not only be increasingly hormonal for the next eight months, but that he would need to pay for another child to go through college?
KARDASHIANS: The Kardashian sisters will have endless professional pregnancy boudoir photos. They will be well lit while modeling pregnancy thongs. They will be covered in contour makeup.
ME: “I am really sorry you have to do this,” I would say to the college student who spray tanned me in my third and fourth pregnancies. “I am sure you are going to dry heave in a hallway closet after this. Don’t worry; I won’t be offended. This is probably a lot for you take in right now.” They would politely say it was no problem and then proceed to close their eyes while spraying the wall and not my body.
KARDASHIANS: They will get escorted to the OBGYN office by a fleet of security to a back door entrance. The entire office will be shut down for their appointment. They will see only their primary doctor. Their entourage will include assistants, camera crew, publicists, and the fathers of their babies.
ME: I would often sit in the waiting room lobby for over an hour by myself. A nurse practitioner would check my cervix and call it a day. I’d walk out the front door of the building and walk 1/4 of a mile to my parking spot because all of the good spots were already taken.
KARDASHIANS: They will relax at 5-star resorts. People will bring them gifts. They will get pampered.
ME: I moved furniture when I was seven months pregnant with my second child.
KARDASHIANS: They will have gold-themed parties with hundreds of guests photographed for Hello! Magazine. Several celebrities will attend including musicians, Ryan Seacrest, and professional basketball players.
ME: My first baby shower was held at a gay bar on a karaoke night. I performed the theme song to Dirty Dancing and allowed a stranger to lift me into the air. I was in my third trimester.
KARDASHIANS: Luxury designers will outfit them with expensive frocks tailored to their growing bodies.
ME: I wore the same jeans and tank top from Gap Maternity.
LABOR AND DELIVERY
KARDASHIANS: The entire wing of Cedar Sinai will be reserved for their delivery day. Paparazzi will sit outside awaiting news of the arrival much like the royal children in London. A ticker tape will run on the bottom of CNN with predictions about the baby’s name. With cameras filming the baby will be pulled out of their body as cheers erupt from the gallery of guests in the room. The new arrival will rest firmly on the mother’s chest until they are outfitted with a cashmere jumpsuit. The trademark office will be notified of their birthdate and time. A reporter from US Weekly will be taking notes outside the hospital room, which will be immediately sent to their editor. The baby will leave the hospital in a custom made Maybach with personalized license plate. The entire staff at Today Show will congratulate the mother with hopes of securing their first post-birth interview to be held in their white living room in full makeup.
ME: When I had my third baby I got rejected for a scheduled induction three days in a row because the hospital was too full. I sat through the early stages of labor chatting with the delivery nurse about how Michelle Duggar still had a viable uterus lining. My husband, by the way, was asleep on the pullout couch the entire time. Three of my girlfriends witnessed the delivery. My sister cut the cord when no one else seemed interested. The next day I had a series of visitors. My friend Dawn complained that she felt fat (as I sat in a hospital gown fresh from pushing a watermelon out my wazoo). My mother-in-law decided to bring along my brother-in-law with whom I have no relationship and his girlfriend I have only met twice. A friend brought along her husband who I can only assume felt nauseous having to look at me in a snap front hospital gown while my urine bag was on full display. The afternoon closed out with a visit from my babysitter, her husband, and his mother visiting from Mexico who as it happens doesn’t speak a word of English. The next day I left the hospital in a pair of Gap sweats and flip-flops looking like I had just escaped a tornado. I begged my doctor to discharge me forgoing the help of the post-delivery care staff so I wouldn’t miss that week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County.
So basically they will have the same exact pregnancy experience.
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