Paris Hilton Asks Me for Advice
I need your advice.
I used to have this friend. Let’s call her Shmim Shmardashian. We grew up together. She always idolized me. I mean, most people do. We used to have such a blast together. We’d spend hours talking about my amazing hair. We’d sit in my closet for hours while I’d try on clothes and practice poses. I even taught her how to use foreign men for money and expensive presents. Then it seems like as soon as I sold my own sex video and started to film a reality show she started to get distant. Next thing I know she’s done her own video and her whole family got their own show, but on a cable channel. Like — can’t you find your own trashy way to become famous? I understand that people look up to me, but she was supposed to be my friend. I never slept with any of the guys she wanted to be with. You know why? Because I am a good friend (and I also found them all repulsive).
Now all of a sudden she is everywhere. Do you know what it is like to see your enemy’s face everywhere? I can’t get the same rates for showing up at a party to scream in a microphone in Vegas the way I used to. I am not getting the same pay to open a milkshake shack in the Middle East. My sex tape sales are down. I thought I could get married and that would help my image but then she beat me to it. I even thought about getting pregnant (even if my OBGYN says that it might be tricky) and then what do you know? She’s knocked up. CAN I GET A BREAK?
I feel like it would be really good for my career if I try to reach out. But apparently she’s still pissed because a reporter a few years ago asked me if I would want her butt. I said it was gross and that it reminded me of cottage cheese inside a trash bag. Is that mean?
But I miss having photographers follow me everywhere. I have my second assistant call TMZ and X17 every day and tell them where I am going and they never show up. I’ve tried to get into he Vanity Fair parties. I can’t even get an invite to animated movie premieres. Apparently the Kid’s Choice Awards think I am a bad influence. Do they not understand that there are tens of girls that admire my sense of fashion and starvation tricks? I had to BEG my aunts to get a spot on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. HELLO. My alchie aunt Kim is now more famous than me. Do you know how that feels?
So should I just pretend I care about her so I can use her the same way she used me? Maybe make lunch plans and tell the media she will be showing up? Maybe ride out a fake friendship until I can get myself on the cover of Life & Style? My mom says I should just make another video, but according to the health department this is not a safe way to get myself back in the press.
Can you help?
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