Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Panties: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Kyle and Lisa Rinna cross paths in New York City while traveling with their daughters and Erika goes without panties to a white party.

MODELING

It was 5:44 am and the car service had not yet arrived. Lisa Rinna’s daughter was suddenly embarking on a modeling career spurred by the fact she had a big Instagram following because her mother is famous. “I really shit the bed with that one,” Lisa Rinna said of a relationship she once had with Yolanda. It would have in theory been helpful to her daughter to have the guidance of Gigi Hadid, once a supporting character on a reality show about middle aged housewives and now an international fashion model, but because her mother highlighted Yolanda’s sometimes confusing health journey that would never happen.

“Hi, I am Lisa Rinna’s daughter,” Delilah would say backstage one day at a fashion show. Gigi would pretend she had sudden loss of hearing and would walk past her digging the heel of her stiletto into Delilah’s toe. “Thanks, Mom,” she would cry into the phone that night. “I could have been in some sort of girl squad but you’ve ruined another dream.” Lisa would walk up to the corner of a room and slam her head against a wall several times. Her hair would never move.

NEW YORK

In the city Delilah met with her agent and a casting photographer to discuss her big dreams for sitting and posing stardom. “It’s a surprise I am here,” Delilah said, especially since she was considered too old and too short to be a fashion model. “I was an ugly child,” she noted before her mother went on to describe how her head had elongated as it left her vaginal canal. Delilah had a shame attack burying her head into her hands. She would return the favor later over drinks while discussing how she was on a dating app despite still being a senior in high school. “You have to be super elite to be on this,” she bragged to Kyle’s 16-year-old daughter. As her sister Amelia laughed. “I mean, look at who they set me up with? He’s 35 years old,” she pointed out while her mother slid back into her chair. (She gave zero f—-s that the camera operator was 45).  Kyle laughed but pulled Sophia aside later that evening. “Do you hear me? My mother let me sit beside people doing coke at Studio 54 when I was in the 5th grade, so I know a fast girl when I see one. You will never spend time with those girls alone, do you understand me?” Sophia, who looked on at Lisa Rinna’s daughters in horror nodded. “They scare me anyway,” she whispered.

During that New York trip Kyle showed off the penthouse Mauricio’s client was trying to sell before looking at an empty space secured for her next shop: Kyle by Alene 3: Alene’s Scarfs And Such. Lisa Rinna, who once owned three retail stores mentioned how her husband Harry Hamlin (he’s never just called Harry) laid every floor, put up every shelf, and twisted every light bulb. “My husband is useless,” replied Kyle. “Unless, of course, you need someone to short sale your mansion or find you a yacht to sail in the Mediterranean.” 

WATCH

Lisa Vanderpump and Ken celebrated his birthday in the side yard, beside the spot where her dwarf ponies urinate. Rocio poured them glasses of sangria and he barely smiled as he opened a box filled with a $25,000 watch. Lisa knew he had everything, which she noted to the sales lady as Dorit walked around the Rodeo Drive store as if she had the money to buy something. “What do you get a man who has everything?” Lisa wondered. The sales lady tried unsuccessfully to sell her a watch not even Liberace would enjoy. “This one is fine, I guess,” she said while sliding the box across the display. He did have everything, which was why they spent their leftover cash on really important matters like saving dogs and buying their kids homes and apartments.

NANNIES

Dorit needed help. It was not enough to have one nanny or housekeeper; she required a staff to ensure her lifestyle was kept. Nanny #1 made sure her newborn with growth issues was attended to while nanny #2 drove her son to his speech pathology appointments. “Was everything okay?” she asked her with her strange accent through the window of the nanny’s luxury car. “She said you should call,” the nanny replied. “But it’s all fine, right?” Dorit replied. The nanny looked at the camera using invisible laser beams to point out the discomfort of discussing her son’s development issues not only in front of a camera but also with the doctor itself. She borrowed another nanny’s booster seat and asked her to install it so she could take him to park while wearing a leather jacket. “Jagger, are you ready to leave the house with me?” she asked her son. He cried, so she took him out of the seat and walked back upstairs so she could hand him to a nanny.

PANTIES

Back in Los Angeles they all gathered for pre-game cocktails before a white party at SUR. Some of them were annoyed that Erika opted for a dress with a black sleeve. After Kyle noted a lead actress was cast for her scripted series based on her childhood Erika noted she would soon make her appearance on Young and The Restless, a gift from Eileen. Lisa Vanderpump had been lobbying for a walk on role for years but had a memory mix-up and mentioned to Erika that she had been asked before her to appear on the daytime program. Erika, sensing Lisa Vanderpump was trying to dismiss her big opportunity turned to Kyle.  “You know what we should do? Let’s get British accents and start insulting people.”

Dorit adjusted her hair extensions and leaned forward. “Americans really need to have a better sense of humor,” she said. “You’re an American! You were born in Connecticut!” replied Erika. Lisa Vanderpump leaned over and asked Erika to offer Kyle a pair of panties since hers were showing through her jumpsuit. “I don’t have any underwear on,” Erika replied with the confidence of a woman able to wear a dress without shape adjusting undergarments. Dorit’s husband PK moved his eyeballs from the tray of mini dumplings to Erika’s lady pocket. “Yes, I don’t see panties.”

YOU LOOKED?

Later in Dorit’s sparse kitchen she tried to feed her son. She explained that her son born with the name of a luxury car only eats gourmet food he is served. He has, for example, never had Chick-Fil-A waffle fries. She lamented that her husband would not stop looking at Erika’s crotch without panties.

Also, Eileen mourned the death of her mother and several relatives. (Big hug for Eileen).

NEXT WEEK:

Dorit purchases underwear for Erika and Lisa sells sweaters on QVC.

Panties, Dorit, Erika, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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