Real Housewives of NJ Recap
Albie takes Ashley to the airport. She’s got a one-way ticket to Vegas because Jacqueline thinks Sin City is a much better place for her to establish a sense of responsibility. She can’t follow directions, never takes responsibility, and spends all of her extra Housewives salary on Botox and lip injections. So she’s got to pack up her hair extensions and take the next flight out of dodge. No one … Continue reading
Where’s Kim Kardashian’s Most Expensive Wedding Gift?
What was the worst wedding gift you received? For me it was probably a Dr. Laura marriage book by Dan’s no-longer spoken to aunt. Because I really value marriage advice from a lady radio host who believes in suppressing women’s rights or from someone who disallows her husband from spending any free time without her. Apparently Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were given a $325,000 luxury car from one of … Continue reading
A Conversation: Russell Brand and Stylist
And now an imaginary conversation between Russell Brand and his stylist. Russell: Hey, man (British accent). Thanks for your help. I’ve got some upcoming events and I am really looking for a new look. Can ya help me? Got a speech before the UK Home Affairs Committee about drugs policy inquiry at Portcullis House. Want to look good, aaaaaaaay-ight. Stylist: Okay, what do you have in mind? Russell: Right. I … Continue reading
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Vegas
Alexis is really proud of her Fox 5 segment where she discussed the sexualization of children with a panel of guests while simultaneously allowing her jugs to spill out of her top. So she’s asked her very close friend Gretchen to come over and check it out for herself and maybe get some tips in the meantime. “Blah, blah, blah, kids are in danger. Whatever. The rest is boring. How … Continue reading
A Letter to My 20-Year Old Self
Dear Kate, This is you writing a letter from your future. I know that you have been pretty bummed that guy you made out with from your internship has not called you. You know, the guy with the light blue eyes and the loafers. The guy who let you buy tickets to that Matchbox Twenty concert. Well, I’ve got some good news. I just Googled him (an Internet tool used … Continue reading
Jennifer Aniston Finds Out Brad and Angelina Are Engaged
This is what I think happens at Chateau Aniston. Cell phone rings. Aniston answers. Aniston: Hello? Friend: Are you sitting down? Aniston: No. Why? Friend: They are engaged. Aniston: WHAT? Friend: Yeah. Aniston: I didn’t check my Google alert yet because I was in the middle of my spin lesson. I was just about to get into the spa. Jesus, I was having a pretty good hair day and my … Continue reading
Miller’s Take: Real Housewives of New Jersey Premiere
Catherine Sisco (nee Miller) and I were roommates in college. We lived down the hall from each other at Trinity and then shared that apartment on Capitol Hill with a con artist landlord. One of the greatest things about Miller (or “Millie” as we would call her) is her devotion to the state of New Jersey. She speaks of Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi like Gods. She could travel the … Continue reading
Why is Mariah Carey on the Cover of Shape Magazine?
Dear Shape Magazine, Can we talk about this month’s cover? Are you seriously kidding me with Mariah Carey? Here’s the thing. I just pushed my own watermelon out of my lady chamber five months ago. I actually read your magazine. I rely on you to give me valuable information about nutrition and exercise. I like to live in what I like to call “the real world” where a woman over … Continue reading
Jesus Might be on Match.com
Good news, I think Jesus is alive and well and using an online dating service. How do I know? The site my girlfriend uses thinks they would be a good match. Walksonh2o Age: 38 Looking for a relationship with all of mankind a woman Here this goes… I am originally from back east, raised in a little town called Nazareth. I am still pretty tight with my parents. I am a … Continue reading
Infomercial of the Day – Solafeet Foot Tanner
Looking for a birthday or Christmas gift for someone you don’t particularly like? Trying to figure out what to get that special someone you’ve been meaning to cut out of your life? I have an idea. I spotted this hot ticket item while boring myself too death by watching The Masters the other weekend. It’s called Solafeet. Suffering from the debilitating effects of a farmer’s tan? Been out swinging a … Continue reading