Real Housewives of New Jersey

Jail Bird: New Jersey Reunion – Part One

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During part one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion Melissa and Teresa faced Jacqueline for the first time since filming ended, Siggy and Dolores discussed hysterectomies and relationships with their former husbands, and Teresa accused Jacqueline and Caroline for turning her into the feds.

JAIL BIRD

All of the women wore prom gowns with full makeup and hair extensions. Siggy brought a fan and Joe Gorga had to sit on a booster seat.

14 MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS

  1. This year Dolores renovated her kitchen and her low body with a Brazilian butt lift.
  2. Despite not having a general education certificate, Joe Giudice has vowed to receive a Bachelor of Arts degree whilst in prison. He is debating between majoring in culinary science or playing craps.
  3. All of the women agreed Dolores’ son Frankie has an exceptional body, in an ode to Mrs. Robinson. Siggy noted Frankie was far more attractive than her own son, but that as expected a better communicator. Because Josh had read her New York Times bestselling book he had better game than Frankie, but because the Manzo brothers had become Frankie’s life coaches Dolores expected that to change.
  4. Dolores has somehow been able to remain friends with Caroline Manzo, Jacqueline Laurita, and Teresa Giudice, a feat that would even impress those who attend the G8 Summit. She has not, however, spoken to Dina in years.
  5. Jacqueline only speaks to Dina when she needs someone to tweet her products.
  6. Teresa gladly leased a Lexus upon her re-entry to the real world after prison. The lease was surprisingly low and she could never envision herself sitting in the front seat of a Ford.
  7. Teresa has no problem with Gia tweeting out insults to older women because she considers her mature after taking care of the family while her mother served time in jail.
  8. Teresa asked viewers if she looked like an ape.
  9. Melissa and Siggy are both former shoplifters.
  10. Teresa and Melissa downplayed issues in their relationship. Teresa insisted her harassment was done out of concern and love of family, and someone else threw out her sprinkle cookies.
  11. Joe Gorga had a mustache in the 2nd grade. His first sexual experience was at 9 and unsurprisingly Teresa walked in on him. As with family tradition she opened his door, cleaned up clothes, and saluted him.
  12. In New Jersey it is déclassé to have served any time as a stripper. You can, however, have a car parked in your front lawn or a flag waving in your window emblazoned with Bon Jovi’s face.
  13. Jacqueline’s middle name is Elizabeth, and not Toxic.
  14. Teresa claimed Jacqueline and Caroline made a phone call to the federal government, which spurred their investigation and subsequent case against she and her husband. She was grateful for the opportunity to get it off her chest. Jacqueline slammed her head into the back of the couch and Andy nearly spit out his Fresquila.

NEXT WEEK:

More tears.

Real Housewives, New Jersey, Reunion, Part One, Jail, Teresa, Jacqueline

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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