Pregnancy

My Pregnancy Advice For Chrissy Teigen

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Dear Chrissy,

Congratulations! Welcome to the Pregnancy Club, a membership program for women who surrender their bodies for almost a year so another human being can grow inside their uterus. It’s a whacky time. The average pregnancy lasts 280 days, which is a long time when you factor in all the strange things that happen during human reproduction. Nine months can feel like eternity, so allow me to warn you of the various changes you can expect before baby Legend arrives next year.

Hormones

1. You find yourself inexplicably sobbing during the season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County.
2. You ask your husband three times a day if you are getting too fat.
3. The elimination portion of Dancing With the Stars is beginning to put you into a mild form of depression.
4. You want to drop kick the person who grabs a cab before you.

State of Mind

1. You arrive at work oblivious to the fact you are wearing shoes that do not match.
2. You can smell the cologne of the cab driver in another cab.
3. You can’t remember simple words like room, telephone, or car.
4. You worry you will never go back to Las Vegas.

Strange Habits

1. Your travel plans revolve around your ability to use a restroom.
2. New Internet searches include nanny cams, security systems, and cord blood banks.
3. You become obsessed with the color of your discharge.
4. You add “pregnancy” and “normal?” to everything you Google.

Eating Habits

1. You go to Costco for a refrigerator but leave with two pizzas.
2. You are on a first name basis with the drive-through staff at In-N-Out Burger.
3. You buy Girl Scout cookies on eBay.
4. You wonder if Dunkin Donuts has a VIP program.

Hygiene

1. You get up to pee, and you already did.
2. You burp and vomit at the same time.
3. You save your best underwear for OB appointment day.
4. You start to assume everyone wants your urine sample.

Body Changes

1. You feel like there is a ten-pound dumbbell in your vagina.
2. You have to slowly lower your breasts out of your bra because they are so tender.
3. You power up for your workout by eating a bag of chips.
4. Your dogs are looking at you like they are thinking, “Wow, you’ve let yourself go.”

Sleep

1. There is no point in starting a show after 8:30 p.m. because you won’t make it past the first commercial.
2. You would rather sleep than have sex or eat.

Sex

1. You struggle to stay awake and your husband doesn’t care.
2. Your husband has a hard time getting excited about a woman wearing her maternity pants backwards.
3. Now your idea of sex is with the lights out, under the covers, and wearing a hoodie.
4. Suddenly you want to have sex because it might be the only thing that can put you into labor.

Do you want to know the weirdest part? You will look forward to the opportunity to do it all again once you stare into your child’s eyes.

It will all be worth it, even if every argument with John is lost with the words “I’m ruining my body for you” or your idea of dinner is hot dogs….every night.

If you have any questions I am here for you.

Love and Amniotic Fluid,
Kate

You Know You Are Pregnant When…. is available on Amazon.com.

My Pregnancy Advice For Chrissy Teigen

My Pregnancy Advice For Chrissy Teigen

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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