My Baby Labor Advice for Princess Kate

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On the eve of your first baby delivery I thought I would give you some advice. I just pushed out my own watermelon last week and it was my third trip to the rodeo. So I feel like I can speak to you as a sister friend. And I know you’ve enlisted the expertise of a pediatric and obstetric physiotherapist, but I thought it would be helpful to hear it from someone who is still having their uterus contract every few hours.
  • If you’re going to have an audience think about the invite list. When I was in labor with my first child my brother-in-law strolled into the room and I was too deep into labor shakes that I didn’t have the wherewithal to ask him to leave. I’ve seen him maybe three times in the four years since. Of course part if it could have been the fact he may or may not have seen my placenta.
  • Think of labor like an athlete. It is your marathon. I find it minimizes horror film-like screaming. That said the nut bags who say they’ve experienced an orgasm mid-contraction are full of shit.
  • If it starts to feel like someone is stabbing you it is time to call for an epidural. While it would be great to say you were able to launch a baby out of your lady pocket no one actually cares and you will not receive a medal. Just get the drugs.
  • Your relationship with your husband may change slightly once he knows part of your physical healing process involves wearing a frozen baby diaper.
  • Breastfeeding, while a beautiful bonding experience, can also feel like your nipples are trapped in a vice. Until you get the hang of it they might look mangled and torn into shreds.
Let the people who want to visit you post-birth know that they may have to look at your urine bag.
And then when people ask you when they can expect you to add another baby to your family tell them that you will keep hem up to date on your ovulation cycle.
Congrats. Text me if you need any further instruction.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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