Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Montauk

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Stassi celebrated her birthday in Montauk while Ariana celebrated in Sonoma.

SONOMA

Because most of the servers at SUR had spent the better part of their adult life drinking cocktails from a group fish bowl, they rejoiced at the idea of wine tasting in an RV. Ariana’s birthday weekend would be spent sleeping beside each other in a mobile trailer with a Costco sized stash of tequila, close enough to waft in each other’s gas and vomit. “Y’all, I don’t know anything about wine,” said Brittany, which was no surprise to anyone. “Is it Mail-ya-back, Maybach, what is it?” (It was Malbec). She was more comfortable with rail gin and bourbon, staples in the Hooters restaurant chain. Her lover Jax, who had to wear a support bra post-breast reduction surgery, was also not jazzed about wine. “If I could drink,” he noted, “I would just have vodka,” temporarily maintaining agreement with his plastic surgeon to stay off the sauce while taking pain medication.

Ariana and Tom clung to each other as they put their heads out the Winnebago on their way to the Nascar racetrack. They hadn’t felt such wind since he let her ride on the back of his bike the previous month. They were happy at the moment, though he would later claim to Jax, Schwartz, and her brother (gross) that she had not been very interested in having sex with him as of late. “It’s just, sorry Jeremy (her brother), she just doesn’t want me in her pants,” he explained. “No, bro, go ahead,” Jeremy replied. Ariana meanwhile explained to an astonishly sober Brittany that she didn’t always want him going down south when she had come back from the gym or a long bus ride. “I do it whenever he wants,” said Brittany citing the various times Jax asked her to run circles around their block so I could make love to her feet. They both drink the remaining contents of a bottle of Patron.

Being somewhat sober afforded Jax the opportunity to reflect on his relationship with Brittany. “I could do anything, literally anything, and this girl will stay with me,” he argued. “Believe me, I am trying to sabotage it, I have tried almost everything. She won’t leave.” Jeremy’s eyes rolled back into his head as he began to fall sideways.

As Ariana became more inebriated she visited a 7 Eleven and purchased several hot dogs, a slab of meat she ate with her bare hands, and a cherry Slurpee. She passed out in the crawl space of the mobile trailer.

MONTAUK

In Montauk Stassi mourned the loss of her boyfriend Patrick. Any rebound chances were dashed when the lone attractive man at the hotel found himself in a conversation with Katie about traveling to Greece. Stassi reminded herself never to travel with Katie because she was a horrible wing woman or with Scheana who only complained. “Come on, do a green tea shot with us!” they pleaded. Scheana would decline due to her workout schedule. “These girls just don’t have my workout regimen,” she pointed out while drinking from a double blackberry mojito.

After dinner and 64 rounds of drinks they removed their hotel robes and dove into the frigid Montauk water. They had no idea the rest of the hotel could see whether or not they had been waxed.

JAMES

James met with an old DJ colleague at a gelato place to see if he could press play at one of his establishments. “I have made restaurant remixes and I am sure you are aware of my music video, which will never air on VH1,” James explained while wearing prop glasses swiped from a neighbor. His friend Arthur reminded him that if he were to mess up the opportunity by drinking there would no longer be a job.

Later James picked up Max at SUR before his shift ended. “I can fire James from my restaurant,” Lisa Vanderpump explained, “but I can’t fire him from Max’s life.” As Max filled up the salt and peppershakers James explained to Lisa that Lala’s boyfriend was a problem. He had spent some time at her apartment and noticed she hid behind blinds or would hide underneath furniture whenever she heard the sounds of knocking. As James explained it she needed to be available at any minute for the man who had obtained her car lease and bought her ankle boots. This was probably why she flaked on Ariana’s birthday getaway, it wasn’t worth the headache.

NEXT WEEK:

Lisa confronts Lala.

Vanderpump Rules, Montauk

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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