Show Recaps

Meeting Families: The Bachelor Recap

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This week on The Bachelor Arie experienced hometown dates meeting the families of the four finalists, Kendall, Lauren, Becca, and Tia. 

MEETING THE FAMILIES

KENDALL

Los Angeles, CA

“Kendall is not your average girl,” said Arie before her hometown date. He described her as quirky, which was code for sexually aggressive animal carcass enthusiast without much going on upstairs. Her parents, who inspired Kris and Bruce Jenner to name their own daughters, were unimpressed with the aging Bachelor. “Let me begin by telling you that I will not give you permission for my daughter’s hand in marriage,” said her father.

TIA

Weiner, Arkansas

Tia’s family toasted Arie with mini hot dogs. Her brother, who may have been missing teeth and loved a good hoop earring, demanded to know if reality television spoiler sites were correct. “Is it true that you are a kissing bandit?” he asked as Arie’s Adams apple jutted out of his neck. He tried later to assure her father Kenny that he wasn’t a Playboy. “If you hurt her I can find you on Google,” he whispered while he clutched a pocketknife in his pocket.

BECCA

Somewhere in Minnesota

Becca took Arie apple picking, and then onto her mother’s house for a spirited dinner surrounded by people who thought Arie and this show was a pile of shit. Uncle Gary explained her father’s legacy and pointedly asked if this was something he took seriously. In other words, did he consider Becca the real deal or someone he would let producers walk to a waiting Suburban in a fit of tears? “She’s the real deal,” said Arie. She was the only lady contestant he noted seemed capable of giving birth to his children. “Good stock,” he mouthed to a producer while dunking apples into a vat of caramel. Becca’s mother doubted their future. “Can I ask for your blessing?” asked Arie. She told me the best she could do was tell him she trusted her daughter’s choices. He, on the other hand, was eh, fine, whatever.

LAUREN

Virginia Beach, Virginia 

Lauren, a 25-year-old tech salesperson and selective mute, took Arie on a horseback ride alongside the Virginia coastline before introducing him to her equally quiet family. As they sat on the other side of the room from the couple they wondered why she was throwing her dreams aside for a real estate agent from Arizona with a sweat problem. Her father Dave was pretty unimpressed until Arie mentioned he had once flown an aircraft while on a USO Trip to Iraq. Suddenly the gates opened and he overlooked the fact he was visiting three other families and would likely bone two in a forthcoming fantasy suite. Her mother, whom Lauren had explained, was not treated well in her own marriage by her father lacked enthusiasm. “You think this can last a lifetime?” asked her mother. “It’s weird for me,” she said barely opening her mouth.

ROSE CEREMONY

Although Kendall was unable to commit to a potential marriage she would be able to give him the promise of emotional consideration. Since he didn’t really want to get engaged at the end of this show he overlooked the fact that she probably slept beside voodoo dolls and collected scabs. He could have a car room and she could have her own office littered with dean animal skin. “This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced,” he assured the remaining women before withholding a long stem flower for Tia. She, of course, wept in the waiting car.

NEXT WEEK:

The Bachelor, Recap, Meeting the Families, Arie, Kendall, Tia, Lauren, Becca

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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