Celebrities

Mariah’s World Premiere Recap

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Mariah’s World is an eight part “docuseries” about Mariah Carey as she prepares for a 25-country European tour as well as her nuptials to an Australian billionaire. “I refuse to call it a reality show,” Carey said in an interview with the New York Times, instead explaining the goal of the series is for her fans to get to know her personality better. 

This is what you need to know about the season premiere.

MARIAH’S WORLD

She is only doing this “docuseries” despite a lack of privacy in the world of elite entertainment because she knows it will be treasured one day. She would not want to wake up one day and regret not filming the summer she spent trying to complete a European tour and marry her wealthy fiancée. How would she remember this special period of her life, especially if she is probably drunk the entire time?

  1. Mariah has a split personality. She has a team of hair and makeup stylists dress her up in an Elvira wig with thin eyebrows, blue eye shadow, and a breast-exposing gown. She explains in costume and with a horrible British accent that Mariah (again, her other self) makes her life a nightmare. “I can’t describe Mariah…. The world doesn’t know how awful she really is,” she explained before makeup artists tried to quickly to reapply pieces of her face before they fell onto the floor. Footage immediately cut to Mariah being wheeled behind a theater on a Staples office chair with her pantyhose covered legs propped into the air.
  2. Mariah never actually walks. She is pushed in a motor vehicle or carried by a staff of dancers.
  3. Mariah never sits upright; she is always tilted on a chair or lying sideways on a chaise lounge with at least three pairs of Spanx.
  4. Mariah will never appear without good lighting. All contracts include a provision that disallows her from ever standing beneath fluorescent lighting.
  5. Her children are her life, which is why she has a fleet of nannies and assistants make sure they travel alongside her on tour.
  6. She travels with her nephew who is a constant reminder of what life was like when she was a horrible waitress and didn’t have someone to flat iron her hair.
  7. In a swift turn of events she fired her former manager with whom she had countless number one hits to work with a lady from Russia named Stella she met through a friend. They were both nocturnal, had hair weaves, and aggressive contoured makeup. Stella’s job is to make her money, not to make sure she appears on camera like a human being capable of self-reflection.
  8. Her fiancée waited anxiously for her to plan their wedding, a day she needed to postpone because of her hectic schedule standing in the middle of a stage with a microphone at the request of her manager.
  9. She vacations on mega yachts, a short boat ride from her fiancée’s personal cruise ship. When she isn’t trying her best not to topple down the stairs she is diving into the ocean in gowns and diamond necklaces.
  10. All staff members including personal assistants, stage managers, and dancers understand she will always show up two to three hours late for appointments.
  11. All dance members understand she will never actually dance, she instead squats and adjusts her body to a few degrees to the left and right. At a rehearsal they ask her to fall sideways into an elementary school gym mat so they can practice lifting her in the air despite her dislocating a shoulder during a previous soap lifting experience.
  12. Stella interviews Molly, a prospective assistant and explains to her that the job requires her to live like a nun for a year and to never show emotion. Molly promptly went home and explained to her boyfriend that although they had discussed marriage she would need to pretend he does not exist for 12 months because a lady who sings Vision of Love needs her. My guess is Molly has previously held jobs at a psychic hotline and organizing the card catalog in a library.
  13. Molly breaks into tears a day into her job when she can’t figure out how to connect the Apple TV in Mariah’s Scotland hotel room. If Mariah can’t have Apple TV play in the background she can’t sleep, which she does only in the daylight and with a steam maker right next to her ear lobe.
  14. Mariah had a wedding gown specially made to fit her body covered in sequins and white as if she had not been married two times before. A tiara was also made because in her mind she is the Royal Princess of Butterflies.
  15. One of the dancers pretended he was sexually attracted to her while wearing a tank top and lip-gloss.
  16. Her makeup artist, resplendent in a jean jacket spoke of his fear of getting fired when there was a management change. He was happy he remained on staff and that his face does not move.
  17. Mariah felt sort of bad she pushed back the wedding, but Stella assured her that James always defers to her. He won’t mind if you put aside your nuptials to sing to fans that admittedly would give up food in order to see you sing love ballads.
  18. Her outfits are often made of leather, her breast are always spilling out of her top, she always wears heels that make her unable to walk, and her face rarely moves.
  19. She is only filmed from the left side.
  20. She loves to wear negligees.

Mariah's World, Premiere, Recap, Mariah Carey, Stella

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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