A Letter To Ryan Gosling From Vacant Wombs
Dear Ryan Gosling,
Can you hear that crying sound? It’s the sound of vacant wombs responding to news you’ve impregnated someone else.
A man has the ability to plant his seed in any lady cavity, and we had expected you to look beyond Hollywood. Why not give a normal lady with a normal job and a normal life a shot?
What’s so great about actresses anyway? We all act. You should have seen my performance yesterday at the grocery store in “sure, I’d love to hear all about your grandkids” or last week in “it makes perfect sense why you got that tattoo.” I know about 12 girls that could win an Academy Award for best supporting actress in “yeah, I am happy with this job” or “I’d love to hear all about when you played baseball in college.”
These actresses need their egos stroked in the form of profiles in a magazine or walking before you on a red carpet. Normal girls just like a nice bottle of wine and a solid 401K.
Now you have to figure out a way to raise your baby on two different movie sets. You think it’s safe to have a newborn in a movie trailer in Romania? Are you choosing a name because you like it or because they want to trademark it so they can start a lifestyle company once the roles dry up? Can you guarantee that your baby will look like the woman that she is now or the woman she was before facial modifications?
I’m just saying you should have thought this one through. I am afraid you might regret this once you realize you are raising a baby with someone who is method acting 24/7.
So in the event it doesn’t work out with this lady (and I have my doubts) you should let a normal girl grow your baby in her lady sac.