A Letter to My Friends Who Just Had A Baby
Nearly five years ago Kayli became my babysitter just two weeks after I brought my first child home from the hospital. She nailed the interview based on her experience working with children and up to date knowledge of People and US Weekly magazines. Also, we happen to look alike. She was subjected to my sarcasm, having to look at me without makeup, and my hormonal outbursts. Nearly a year later she took a job teaching at an elementary school, but lucky for me we have remained close friends. This morning she gave birth to her own baby boy that she and her husband Darren named Beckett.
While most of their friends will be bringing them fruit baskets, flowers, and baby blankets I thought I would offer them a more practical gift – an inside look at what they can expect for the next year.
Dear Darren and Kayli,
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy. I am so thrilled for you. Welcome to the Club. Your life (or your vagina, Kayli) will never be the same.
- You have just experienced a pretty intimate situation. Once you’ve seen your wife’s placenta there’s no turning back. You did this together. Now Darren can prove how much he appreciates his wife by relaying to the nurse whether she’s had a bowel movement and then stealing as many sanitary napkins and pairs of mesh underwear he can jam into the diaper bag before you get discharged.
- You will drive home from the hospital at the same rate of speed as an 85 year old retiree. Rest assured the baby seat and your car will protect your child.
- If Kayli decides to nurse she’s going to be half topless for the foreseeable future. At times she will be so tired she fails to realize she’s exposing herself. Be a lamb, Darren. Make sure she’s covered.
- Have you ever seen the Exorcist? Breast milk is like golden liquid from heaven. Understand that if Darren spills the breast milk Kayli will become Linda Blair.
- Remember how you used to sleep in until 8:30 am on weekends? Yeah, that’s over.
- Remember all those good times you had with your friends that do not have kids? Treasure those moments because they won’t want to hang out with you again unless they also decide to procreate.
- People who really love you won’t care that you post hundreds of pictures of your son.
- Don’t stress about the baby walking early. While it might show early athletic ability it also means you will need to watch him, which you might find frustrating during the NBA finals.
- Know you will now spend all of your money on diapers and baby wipes.
- It might be awhile before you see Vegas.
You will spend half your time in a pediatrician’s office. You will fret about teething pain and organic fruits and vegetables. You will never again be on time.
This next year will go by in a flash. One minute your boy is rocking in your arms and the next trying to walk up a set of stairs. Try to enjoy these moments, even if you have to do so with one eye open wearing a shirt covered in baby vomit.
Most importantly look at each other today as you hold your new baby. Did you ever think you could love someone as much as you love this sweet boy? Think about it every time you argue about taking out the trash, which in-laws to spend with over the holidays, and how much you want to spend on a new car. Take yourself back to this moment when you became this adorable family of three.
Beckett is a very lucky boy.
P.S. It’s my turn to babysit.