Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Latex: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the trip to Berlin concludes with Erika’s late arrivals due to latex malfunction, Teddi confronting Erika on her rage filled reactions, and Kyle having an emotional breakdown over moving. 

BETTER LATEX THAN NEVER

On the last leg of the Berlin express Lisa Rinna and Dorit enjoyed foot and leg massages in the luxury of their five star resort. It was something Lisa Rinna did regularly, despite the cost and what massage oils do to one’s clothing. Lisa and Dorit shared an affinity for the process of laying beneath a hotel towel while a stranger rubs their fingers deep into your tissue, though Kyle and Teddi preferred exploring the sights of the local zoo. As Erika liked to remind them, travel was important to living one’s best life. (Especially if you can travel via private jet). Hotel massages could be done anywhere, even places like The Valley or Riverside County. Why pass up the opportunity to take a selfie beside a panda while wedging your body against a glass wall?

BOAT RIDE

Later that night they sat in a tour bus waiting for Erika, as they always seemed to do, so they could explore the German city one last time before flying first class back to the Hills of Beverly. “Sorry, guys, the men I employ had to lather me up with lube and baby powder so I could suffocate my breasts beneath this latex top,” said Erika. They collectively chose to ignore the fact she was wearing clip-on hair bangs, including Dorit whose legs and feet were being swallowed by lace up red boots typically worn by a madam. Lisa Rinna revealed that beneath her plastic trench coat she was wearing a business blazer and lingerie. “Use it until you lose it!” wailed Kyle. They all clapped as she lifted her skeletal arms into the air. Lisa Rinna noted it was the first time she enjoyed a house ladies sponsored boat ride, and it was probably because Lisa Vanderpump had already returned home.

DINNER

Since Erika had access to Berlin’s leading rave promoters she scored them a table in the city’s most exclusive restaurant. Essentially entry requires you walking through a concrete barrier, through the set of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, down a white hallway, and into the arms of a server named Julius with a bowl haircut and a chipped front tooth.

SHE’S AFRAID OF YOU

The highlight of their meal was a confrontation between Teddi, a woman with an unnatural obsession with exercising and horses and Erika, a lady robot with a bottomless wallet. Teddi softly wept as she tried to explain her discomfort with the way Erika manages her anger. Let’s say, for example, you calmly place your hand on her shoulder to comfort her or if you address her lack of memory in social situations, she eviscerates you with her cold dark stare. “I don’t want to be a mean person,” said the woman who presumably has not shed a year since 1998. “I would say, based on the amount of money I have spent in therapy, that Erika’ communication style somehow triggers an experience from Teddi’s childhood,” noted Lisa Rinna.

BACK IN LA

They resumed their lives in Los Angeles later that week. Dorit pretended she actually designed swimwear. Kyle said goodbye to each of the rooms of her old house. Lisa Vanderpump had a conversation with a man who only wears tight blouses. Teddi alerted her husband she had given up on her plans to invest in a horse. Lisa Rinna went back to QVC to sell cardigan sweaters. Erika wore a vagina suffocating unitard to a performance held in the basement of a library in New York City. An event planner dressed like Marie Antoinette alerted her choreographer Mikey the fire department would not allow them to set off a smoke and laser presentation. They both begrudgingly agreed the dance and song presentation would not suffer.

NEXT WEEK:

Season finale. The Beverly Beach presentation is a bust.

Real Housewives of beverly Hills, Berlin, Latex, Erika, Teddi, Lisa

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