I’m Not Having a Kardashian Pregnancy
The Kardashian family has enjoyed several new baby arrivals this year, with Khloe due at any moment. I can assure you that the Kardashian pregnancies are nothing like the four times I have carried a baby in my uterus. (My fifth is due this summer).
Here’s how a Kardashian pregnancy differs from mine.
I’M NOT HAVING A KARDASHIAN PREGNANCY
KARDASHIANS: The Kardashian sisters probably took pregnancy tests while cameras filmed them from their white marble covered bathrooms. A producer probably signaled to their mother Kris that it was time for her to walk through the door mid-stream. After three run-throughs they would pretend to be shocked by the discovery, which would lead to a mid-season cliffhanger. I am guessing there was a management meeting to discuss potential endorsement deals. Should Clearblue Easy be notified? Will Dreft laundry detergent like to collaborate on an announcement? Should US Weekly Magazine get the exclusive? Would People Magazine agree to the terms of the interview conditions?
ME: The first time I took a pregnancy test I kept urinating on the wrong side of the stick. The only person waiting outside the bathroom door was my husband. I couldn’t even get my own sister that excited about my pregnancy. “You are going to be an aunt!” I squealed. “Congrats,” she said, but with the sound of a phone operator agreeing to connect you to the right extension. When I found out I was pregnant the third, fourth, and fifth time I kept the secret from my husband for a few weeks. Why stress him out with news his wife would not only be increasingly hormonal for the next eight months, but that he would need to pay for another child to go through college?
KARDASHIANS: The Kardashian sisters have endless professional pregnancy boudoir photos. They are always well lit while modeling pregnancy thongs, and covered in contour makeup.
ME: I find myself apologizing to the spray tan technician who is forced to spray my almost nude body. “I am really sorry you have to do this. I am sure you are going to dry heave in a hallway closet after this. Don’t worry; I won’t be offended. This is probably a lot for you take in right now,” I assure them. They politely say it was no problem and then proceed to close their eyes while spraying the wall and not my body.
KARDASHIANS: They get escorted to the OBGYN office by a fleet of security to a back door entrance. The entire office is shut down for their appointment. They only see their primary doctor. Their entourage includes assistants, camera crew, publicists, and the fathers of their babies.
ME: I would often sit in the waiting room lobby for over an hour by myself. A nurse practitioner would check my cervix and call it a day. I’d walk out the front door of the building and walk 1/4 of a mile to my parking spot because all of the good spots were already taken.
KARDASHIANS: They relax at 5-star resorts. People bring them gifts like walls of roses and diamond earrings. They get spa treatments.
ME: I moved furniture when I was seven months pregnant with my second child.
KARDASHIANS: They have the world’s leading experts on floral design decorate ballrooms with cascading fabric, giant topiaries in the shape of animals, and signature drinks. Their guest lists include models, actresses, and the editors of magazines. The entire event is paid for by Amazon.com. All of the guests are given silk robes.
ME: My first baby shower was held at a gay bar on a karaoke night. I performed the theme song to Dirty Dancing and allowed a stranger to lift me into the air. I was in my third trimester.
KARDASHIANS: Luxury designers outfit them with expensive frocks tailored to their growing bodies.
ME: I am still trying to wedge my almost six month pregnant body into my old clothes.
LABOR AND DELIVERY
KARDASHIANS: The entire wing of Cedar Sinai is reserved for their delivery day. Paparazzi sit outside awaiting news of the arrival much like the royal children in London. A ticker tape will run on the bottom of CNN with predictions about the baby’s name. With cameras filming the baby will be pulled out of their body as cheers erupt from the gallery of guests in the room. The new arrival will rest firmly on the mother’s chest until they are outfitted with a cashmere jumpsuit. The trademark office will be notified of their birthdate and time. A reporter from InTouch Weekly will be taking notes outside the hospital room, which will be immediately sent to their editor. The baby will leave the hospital in a custom made Maybach with personalized license plate. The entire staff at Today Show will congratulate the mother with hopes of securing their first post-birth interview to be held in their white living room in full makeup.
ME: When I had my third baby I got rejected for a scheduled induction three days in a row because the hospital was too full. I sat through the early stages of labor chatting with the delivery nurse about how Michelle Duggar still had a viable uterus lining. My husband, by the way, was asleep on the pullout couch the entire time. Three of my girlfriends witnessed the delivery. My sister cut the cord when no one else seemed interested. The next day I had a series of visitors. My friend complained that she felt fat (as I sat in a hospital gown fresh from pushing a watermelon out my wazoo). My mother-in-law decided to bring along my brother-in-law with whom I have no relationship and his girlfriend I have only met twice. A friend brought along her husband who I can only assume felt nauseous having to look at me in a snap front hospital gown while my urine bag was on full display. The afternoon closed out with a visit from my babysitter, her husband, and his mother visiting from Mexico who as it happens doesn’t speak a word of English. The next day I left the hospital in a pair of Gap sweats and flip-flops looking like I had just escaped a tornado. I begged my doctor to discharge me forgoing the help of the post-delivery care staff so I wouldn’t miss that week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. I am just hoping the hospital gets more cable channels by summer.
So I’m not having a Kardashian pregnancy.
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