Humor

When Jessie Spano Had A Caffeine Pill Meltdown

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DEAR JESSIE SPANO,

26 years ago I watched a young feminist with step-aerobics legs and a home perm have a mental breakdown over an addiction to caffeine pills. I remembered that episode because it highlighted the virtually undiscovered world of Fen-Phen consumption in the suburbs. One minute you are watching Gem and the Holograms reruns and the next learning what happens when a 17 year old gets overwhelmed with trigonometry and a burgeoning singing career.

PRESSURE

You undoubtedly had a lot on your plate that year. Not every high school junior can withstand the intense pressure that comes from being a junior in high school and fronting a band named Hot Sundae. How do you have time for soccer or the junior prom when you have to write an English paper and perform in shows at a strip mall? This is something, by the way, they should undoubtedly address during the next season of The Voice.

Now, of course, this all seems so saccharine. Even though your stash may have been unregulated and sold on infomercials starring a Lifetime movie actress, the kids these days probably take worse. In my guesstimation most of the cast of Big Brother is on pills.

I AM SO EXCITED

 

I also totally get why you broke out into the song lyrics from the Pointer Sister’s I’m So Excited. There have been countless times when I have been so sleep deprived from feeding a baby, returning client emails, and completing private school applications that I have done just the same.

This happened last week:

Me: “Tonight’s the night we’re gonna make it happen. Tonight we’ll put all other things aside.”

My Husband: “Did you pick up my dry cleaning?” 

Me: “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!”

My Husband: “Why are you crying?” 

Me: “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it.”

My Husband: “Did you drink too much tea?”

Me: “And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you.”

My Husband: “I would hope so, we are married.” 

So thank you for getting me.

Love, Kate

Saved By The Bell, Jessie Spano

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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