Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Wedding Speech

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Last night my very close friend Jennifer Aniston got married in Los Angeles. Somehow there was a mix-up with my email, text, and mail system and I missed her request for me to give the matron of honor of speech.

So, here it is. This is the speech I would have given.

Dear Friends, Family, Agents, Managers, Publicists, and Matt LeBlanc,

What a night! I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that we all thought this day would never happen. Three years ago, after she told him that John Stamos would happily marry her, Justin proposed to Jennifer after a steam bath in their custom built home spa with corresponding security system. She was surprised even though she had her assistant send him a folder labeled “this is the ring I want you to get for me” and a post-it note attached instructing him that her accountant had already made sure she bought it and it was being kept in a safety deposit box at her bank. Congratulations you two on making this random Wednesday night in the month of August in the ear of the sheep happen.

It takes a strong man to love our Jennifer. You must be well-tanned, lean, and understand the benefits of a monochromatic wardrobe. One must not mind having photographers live in your trees or a home filled with mirrors. You need to understand that good health includes copious amounts of Smart Water and eating a diet rich in lettuce leaves, garbanzo beans, and low-calorie lemon dressing. But you did, Justin. You have loved her completely with motorcycle jackets and Jonas jeans and whitened teeth.

Marriage, they say, is a journey. It starts with the casting, moves quickly into table reads, sometimes turns dark during filming, but in hindsight is always rewarding on the red carpet. They say marriages don’t last in Hollywood, but look at the great couples of our time…. Ben and Jen, Gwen and Gavin, (hang on, what?)…. Sorry, folks, was just notified they are both getting divorced.

Point is that this is a marriage will have legs, toned and lipoed legs that will last the test of the time. So I ask you all to raise your organic sprouted seed champagne glasses and toast to Jen and Justin on sealing the deal.

Terrific job, lovers. 

To marital unions! 

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Wedding Speech

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Wedding Speech

 

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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