Show Recaps

Injuries: 10 Best Moments From The Bachelorette This Week

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This week on The Bachelorette there were two injuries, one involving a touchdown and the other a bunk bed. The following are the 10 most important moments from this week’s The Bachelorette. 

Week 3

INJURIES

  1. It rained for two days straight, forcing the contestants to stay indoors surrounded by carbohydrates and ugly furniture. “Everyone is forming relationships with Becca,” said someone. They all barely knew her.
  2. Before the first group date Becca met with some contestants from the previous season of The Bachelor to get their insight. They must have been more attractive then her real friends, the ones that knew her before this show. She shared with them her concerns that Colton had dated Tia. Was it possible someone could be on this show for fame? Tia tried desperately to contain her smile as she explained to the other women who ignored the pastry tray beneath them that she had only kissed Colton. “I don’t want this to destroy you,” Tia said while hiding her face behind a mimosa glass. Colton had only dated her briefly and made it very clear early on he had also applied to be on the show. “So you think he ended things because he thought you would be chosen as The Bachelorette,” asked the girl beside her. “Probably,” said Tia.
  3. The women went with Becca to a one-star rated spa on Yelp. “Smells like cheese and the used sandals from the Easter passion play gave me athlete’s foot,” read one review. The men were told they were going to spend the duration of their group date dressed up like valets at a motel giving Becca’s hot friends pedicures. “This is right up my alley,” said Jordan.
  4. In order to get some clarification about Colton’s real motives Becca asked him to clip Tia’s toenails. If he really enjoyed filing her toes she would know he was not in this for the right reasons. Later that night she gave him a rose.
  5. David, a 25-year-old “venture capitalist” taunted Jordan, a “model” who has appeared in his own portfolio. After a group date Jordan bragged about the 4,000 swipes he’d received on Tinder. David tried earnestly to understand the mathematics behind having such a high success rate on a dating app when you claim you are hardly on it. He shared his concerns with Becca who in turn congratulated Jordan. “That’s a real bitch move,” he told David while his red manicured hands pointed in his direction.
  6. Jordan warned David that he had “professionality” because of his extensive work modeling sweaters tied around his neck. Since he had a private phone line to God he was certain the Lord would take care of David. That evening David fell out of his bunk bed thereby destroying his face. “I am used to sleeping in a king size bed,” he explained to Becca in a call to his hospital room. “I can’t see him?” she asked Chris Harrison. It was better she didn’t have to see his mangled face.
  7. Becca forgot Jason’s name. To make up for the embarrassing mistake she lied to him and claimed she had a crush on him.
  8. Becca and Chris spent their one-on-one date at Capitol Records where they met with 1990s romance singer Richard Marx to discuss a love song about their non-existent future. “I know this is hard for you,” Becca told Chris, “but I want you to open up.” Open up is basically code for reveal your innermost feelings and then weep on national television. Chris, who technically wears the same size pant as Becca, jotted down some feelings related to his parent’s divorce and his father’s subsequent abandonment. Richard Marx, who has never actually seen one episode of this show, somehow was able to weave a melody with their choppy poetry. Later that night she rewarded Chris with a short stem rose, long enough to be pinned onto his lapel like a chaperone at an 8th grade dance.
  9. The larger group date was held playing football, but in ice hockey helmets due to budget constraints and an ongoing feud with the NFL. Despite his muscles Lincoln has a lady voice and terrible footwork.
  10. Clay, the actual football player, was injured at the end of the game. Rather than staying any longer on the show he opted to get surgery for his injury. The loss of Clay and the realization that he may have destroyed his ability to provide for his family because of this group date was more than Becca could handle. “I can’t go on,” she whispered to a towel.

There was no rose ceremony. 

The Bachelorette, Injuries, Becca, Jordan, David, Clay, Colton, Tia

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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