Reality TV Stars

Most Important Points From Real Housewives of Orange County

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These are the most important things that happened on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County.

De-Age

1. Tamra and her 26-year-old son returned to the anti-aging doctor. She’s now on testosterone, which while it has helped her looking young and fit, she now has to shave her face. Ryan received the results of his comprehensive blood test. Turns out the illegal growth hormone he bought off the Internet has made him at high risk for a heart attack. Tamra wonders aloud why her own son would try to destroy his body in attempt to meet an unrealistic body standard even though her face is frozen and she’s had two sets of implants.

Xmas Jazz

2. Shannon made final preparations for her Christmas extravaganza. She tries every year to keep costs minimal by purchasing all her decorations from the most overpriced store in town.

3. Despite their current issues Heather decided to show up for Shannon’s party even though it was the same evening her Hawaii 5.0 episode aired.

Good Day, Hell-A

4. At the party later that evening Heather pulled Tamra aside to let her know that the producers of Good Day LA have offered her a gig guest hosting when one of their anchors has to bail because a baby is about to fall out her lady cavity. “I would like you both to know I have taken the initiative to suggest CUT Fitness, your aerobics shack off the freeway, for a fitness segment and the producers said fine, sure, whatever. Isn’t that remarkable of me?” Tamra closed her eyes and then readjusted the open slit of her Forever 21 jumpsuit. She was sort-of thankful but pointed out that the last time Heather appeared on the show she featured her kind-of-but-not-really competitor Orange High Kick. “I thought that was a shitty thing to do to a friend, promote someone else’s gym when I had just opened mine and really need the press even though I am on a national television show shilling my business 13 episodes every year and in every subsequent interview I do. It would have been super helpful to be on that one local show that Jillian Barberie was fired from. In fact your husband, the father of your kids, agreed with me and said so much when he texted me immediately after we had that passive aggressive exchange over email.” Eddie suggested the girls just make up and move on. They were girlfriends after all and he was appreciative of the offer even though he thought Heather was full of shat.

Chromo-what?

5. Christian and David had a conversation about what it takes to inseminate your wife and develop a girl. It is David’s perception that if you are in a very unhappy marriage you hatch females, which is why he’s had three.

Hey, Girl

6. Eddie is thrilled to learn Danielle, the useless friend of someone, has a husband that makes him look straight.

Quiet Who?

7. Terry was disheartened to find Eddie and Christian have absolutely no idea who Quiet Riot is, the band his late brother fronted. It was understandable since Eddie only listens to Gloria Estefan.

Ambush

8. While Heather tried to provide advice to Vicki on how to cope when your adult aged child leaves the state Tamra explained to Shannon, Lizzie, and Danielle what had transpired in the other room beside the candy sculptor. Not only, in her opinion, did Heather betray her but she’d also suggested that she choose sides if she had planned on being friends with Steel Balls Beador.

9. Upon Heather’s entrance to the room she was stunned to find all four women staring at her as if she had just received a botched Botox job. Upon further explanation from Loose Lips Lizzie she surmised her issues with Tamra from 20 minutes earlier had not in fact been resolved. Tamra had relayed the contents of their friend baggage all over Shannon’s hardwood floor. Heather had, it seemed, been ambushed be a parade of housewives swilling chardonnay and one glass of straight vodka.

10. Mid-conversation Heather grabs her phone and insists to her son in an imaginary conversation that she will return to their family home at once to take care of his imaginary projectile vomit and stomach pains.

11. Shannon still hates Heather.

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

0 Comments

  1. Shereen

    June 12, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Hilarious! I love reading your housewives recaps!

    • mm

      Kate

      June 13, 2014 at 11:26 pm

      Thank you!

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