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Most Important Points From Real Housewives of Orange County

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These are the most important things that happened on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

1. Shannon and Heather hired makeup, hair, and a professional photography teams for their annual family holiday card. It’s a lot of money and preparation that goes into a card most people throw out right after they open it.

2. Tamra went to an “anti-aging” doctor (translation: a plastic surgeon who pretends to sell creams) because she’s starting to feel old and haggy. The doctor suggested testosterone cream even though it might masculinize her. Tamra grows worried because if it were not for her implants and the hair extensions she would look like Peter Pan. Her son Ryan, the receptionist at her gym, tagged along for the appointment. He’s a big fan of Suzanne Somers because he loves the Home Shopping Channel and he’s been taking lady shots to keep his body fat low and his hair thick. Tamra explains to the doctor Ryan’s always had body issues so he likes to take short cuts, like the time he was on steroids and that time he started taking birth control because he thought it would make his boobs bigger.

3. Vicki continues to offend the entire state of Oklahoma by explaining to Brianna she is moving to a hellhole. After taking a tour of two potential houses equipped with underground tornado shelters and mounted crosses she asks Ryan when he plans to get a real job after he wraps up protecting American freedom. Later that evening over lamb testicles Brianna explains she has no plans to return to California because everything is too expensive and she’s tired of putting aside her hopes and dreams because her mom doesn’t want to cut the umbilical cord.

4. Lizzie and Heather met up for a play date at a park. Lizzie asked Heather for her sage advice on how best to deal with Vicki while her son chewed on her leg and screamed. Heather explained she too had her own issues with the Grammy Vic, who she believes is allowing Shannon to systematically talk about her behind her back to everyone. After all, it was Heather who introduced Shannon to the group (translation: the cast) after she spent 10 minutes getting tour of her house with a Bravo camera in tow.

5. Lizzie and her mute friend Danielle were invited to Shannon’s house for a free makeup lesson. Not that Lizzie needs makeup. She’s a former pageant girl and she’s been drawing on her Maleficent eyebrows for years. They got a nice tour of Shannon’s mansion and then got to hear all about how she loathes Heather and about her nose and chin replacement surgery.

6.Heather called Shannon and asked for her to meet up for drinks so they could hash out their problems. Shannon thought it was a good idea since she had already invited Heather and Terry to the annual Beador Christmas Gala and she’d hate to ruin the party by stabbing her with an ice pick.

7. Lizzie walked across the street to her sister Becky’s house. Becky’s got three kids, a side pony, and all the answers on losing baby weight. Lizzie would like another child eventually but she worries it would stall her bikini business and pageant judging gigs.

8. After ordering straight vodka Shannon explained to Heather she’s getting a little tired of her condescending tone. She also didn’t appreciate being called “scary angry” because it was over the top and basically a figment of Heather’s made-for-TV-movie imagination. Heather, however, was persistent that it was her perception of the evening’s events. While she did believe it was juvenile to get upset over a seating arrangement she was arguably still fearful of being alone in a dark alley with Lady Grey Goose. Heather was beginning to feel isolated. She had introduced Shannon to her TV friends and they found they liked her better. They all were blondes, enjoyed a stiff cocktail, and apparently like to go to football games when Heather is out of town. They agreed to move forward with the promise to approach each other if they ever have a problem with one another, which fortunately for us never happens in reality television.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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