I Guess The Bachelor Couple Had Sex Last Night

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Listen, I love a good wedding. So even though I went cold turkey on The Bachelor after Jason Mesnick dumped Melissa Rycroft on the After The Rose special several years ago I impulsively jumped from last night’s Grammy Awards to see the Bachelor live TV wedding. What I did know about this couple beforehand was that he considers himself a born again virgin and he tried to use Dancing With the Stars to catapult himself into stardom while his fiancee stood in the sidelines seething. With ABC willing to pay the tab for their nuptials they signed on for this wedding tornado months ago when he slipped a freebie engagement ring on her finger. Did I think this couple was really destined for eternity? I am sure it all seems legit when you’ve got a producer sending you on romantic dates to ski chalets and to have an R&B singer perform for you while you gnaw on chicken skewers, but that ain’t real life. At some point you find out that dude you’ve been engaged to is actually a borderline albino and that someone needs to pay the electric bill. But I digress.
First thing I hear right out of the gate is this little nugget from host Chris Harrison (not to be confused with Chris Hanson from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator): “One of the things that makes this day more “special” is that Sean and Catherine are saving themselves for the wedding night.” Hang on. Do I need to know this?  Then to make matters worse they continue to cut to the “Honeymoon Suite Cam” where two maids work tirelessly to smooth out the marital sheets. Delightful. Should I expect a lube commercial?
But it gets worse. In two pre taped segments we find out the theme of their wedding is “grown sexy,” which the bride tries painfully to explain to her groom means an event sprinkled with sex. Just think… Robin Thicke. (The same Robin Thicke, by the way, who has admitted in interviews that he basically has an open marriage with his wife). Then cameras follow Sean (whose spray tan has now started to blotch) as he chooses lingerie for the first night he is able to see his bride naked.
I applaud them for their very personal choice on waiting to bone each other, but the Irish girl in me wonders if that’s really m’biz. Because if I am a guest at that wedding (which technically I am since they are airing it on national television) I am now distracted with thoughts of how the whole situation will play out when they make it back to their hotel suite. Will she wear the black lace baby doll and thong or the peek a boo white bra set? Will he overwhelmed from holding out all these years finish early and fall into a deep snore? Is he disappointed? Does she think to herself that things can better in time when they get into their own rhythm? And then is she left wide awake next to him watching the Lifetime movie channel as she reads through her text messages?
And if you are going to disclose this much stuff pre-wedding night then don’t we have the right to get a full recap the following morning with Chris Harrison?

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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